


Hanging By A Gossamer Thread

by red_b_rackham



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Lost
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Situations, Non-graphic character death, Romance, Trigger: Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-31
Updated: 2012-05-26
Packaged: 2017-10-28 15:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 51,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_b_rackham/pseuds/red_b_rackham
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Kate goes on the run, Jack realizes he needs a fresh start, so he heads to Seattle, where Addison is looking for the same thing. As their friendship blooms, she begins to rethink her decision to move to LA, while he struggles to overcome his past. And of course, complications arise... (AU post-S3, crossover. T for character death, light language, adult themes.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> OHMYGOSH, I DID IT. This was written for the Het Big Bang 2011 over on LJ, and I can't believe I made it, given a variety of harddrive crashes, real life projects and issues, plus being an artist AND beta on top of that for others in the Bang. But anyways! DONE and here it is. :)
> 
> Though this is technically a crossover, very little knowledge of Lost is actually required (helpful, but it should be figure-out-able without having seen the show). Thank you SO MUCH to morgieporgie and slumber over on LJ for being my betas and cheerleaders! I seriously would not have done this without you.
> 
> This story takes place after season 3 of both shows, and heads off AU-ishly from there. PLEASE NOTE the Trigger warning for this story: non-graphic character suicide. Enjoy!
> 
> (Originally posted on http://hetbigbang.weebly.com/index.html, then on ff.net 10/1/2011)

* * *

_BANG._

The door opened with such force that it smashed into the wall, making the pictures on the wall rattle and sway ominously. Jack Shephard was putting on his jacket when it happened, startling him so severely that he stumbled backwards, knocking the vase off the end table in the hallway. It landed with a crash on the hardwood floor, shattering.

"Sorry," Kate Austen said breathlessly.

"Kate," he exhaled but stared at her in shock. "What are - did they let you go?" he asked, knowing it wasn't true but hoping anyways. He’d just been on his way to visit her at the courthouse.

She shook her head. "I had to get away. Look, I don't have much time."

"Kate - " he tried to protest, to maybe talk her down, but she swiftly overrode him.

“They’re right behind me," she said and glanced over her shoulder as if expecting the police to already be driving into the yard. "I'm leaving, Jack, I can't stay there - here - I can't... I can't handle the trial, or j-jail..."

"Kate, wait - "

"I can _not_ go to jail!" she shouted, tears welling up in her hazel eyes. He was still stunned by her presence and faltered to respond. She didn't wait and continued, "After everything we've been through, I... I just have to disappear. It's too much and I will not go to jail." She shook her head defiantly.

His heart sunk uneasily. He'd seen that look far too many times before. Fleetingly, he thought of walking through the jungle to find the cockpit, of dynamite in backpacks, of yelling for her to _run_ and never come back for him...

"You're running, aren't you?" he finally said.

She smiled a little. "It's what I do, right?"

He reached for her. "You can't do this - not now. There's still a chance you can get off."

"Come on Jack, be realistic. You and I both know there's no technicality or loophole that's going to get me out of life in prison," she stated flatly. "I've stolen identities, stolen cars, robbed banks - I _murdered_ my step-father. There's no other way out."

He pressed his palm to his forehead, his mind reeling. _But there has to be,_ he thought. "Kate, if you run, it will only make things worse. Give things a chance to work out, just – “

There were sirens in the distance, slowly growing louder. She grabbed his hands when he let them drop to his sides. "Please - come with me."

"What?" He snapped his gaze to her pleading one.

"Come _with_ me."

"And live like a fugitive for the rest of my life? Always looking over my shoulder, moving from place to place like a criminal? Kate, I have a life here!"

"Do you?" her tone was suddenly cold and he knew she was aware of how painfully disconnected he'd felt lately. Some days it seemed like going to see Kate at the courthouse was the only thing he had to look forward to in his day, the only thing that kept him from going crazy. If she disappeared and left him behind, what would he do then?

For a few seconds he seriously entertained the idea of leaving with her. Of walking out the door, never looking back, leaving everything behind. He would be with her and that was something he wanted more than anything - the ring box was in his pocket even then, and he'd simply been waiting for the right moment, almost ever since they landed in LA after being rescued, more than four months ago.

“Jack?" she prompted with another nervous glance over her shoulder at the approaching sirens.

He couldn't. He knew he couldn't. He'd be a criminal for as long as they were running and hiding. And when they finally slipped up, finally made a mistake and got caught? Well then he'd have a cell in prison too. He wouldn't just be walking out the door with Kate - he'd be throwing his entire life away. So he shook his head, unable to trust his voice.

Her eyes were shining but she nodded. She'd been hoping, but she wasn't surprised. She leaned forward and kissed him softly before running out the door without another word.

~

The police were not far behind her. As expected, they questioned him extensively. He told them the truth, and there wasn't much to tell. He agreed to inform them if she made contact with him again, and once they'd left, Jack was fairly certain they put him under surveillance. He'd watched enough cop shows to assume so, in any event.

He retrieved a six-pack from the fridge and set it down on the coffee table beside the ring box. He'd called in sick to work four days in a row, and on the fifth day, the head surgeon at St. Sebastian's had recommended Jack just take as much time as he needed to get better.

_Get better._

Jack snorted and tossed back the last of the beer in his can. This wasn't like the flu, something he could get over in a week by just resting. This... this was something he could barely articulate to himself, let alone anyone else.

Before Oceanic 815 had gone down on that damn island, he'd been a certain man with a certain life. A spinal surgeon, a man who'd just lost his father and was torn somewhere between regret and relief about it. Then the crash had happened. And the island happened. Kate, Locke, Boone, the hatch, the monster, the Others, Charlie...

Rescue - the freighter - had happened. And now he was a different man. He didn't know how exactly, what was different or why, he just _was._ He felt out of place and uneasy in his own life. The job he used to love, the job he used to excel at, felt almost foreign. He couldn't connect with old friends or family, his own home felt wrong. Everything had changed and yet _nothing_ had changed.

Then she'd left. And that was really the icing on the cake, wasn't it? The one reason to stay in LA, the one thing holding him tethered to reality, the one person he was undeniably, deeply connected to in a way he couldn't explain, and she disappeared.

The booze was helping to blur everything and numb the emotion that continued to pound through him, to drown out the memories but it wasn't helping his feelings of disconnection and listlessness. But right now it was all he had, so he poured himself some scotch and knocked it back too.

~

It was an awkward walk to their vehicles from the church. No one knew what to say, herself included. Addison Montgomery had never been to a wedding that was called off seconds before the bride came down the aisle. She doubted many people had.

Following Meredith’s declaration that it was over, Addison had exchanged quick glances with the others sitting around her then turned to watch Meredith head back down the aisle and out of the sanctuary. She wanted to know why Burke and Cristina had called it off, why now, why after Burke had shared his touching and confident vows in a full OR just that morning. She knew she wasn’t the only one left confused and wondering.

Karev came hurrying across the parking lot towards her at that moment.

“That was quick,” he said. “I was gone, what, 20 minutes?”

Addison sighed, not wanting to be the one to deliver the news.

“What?”

“They… they called it off.”

Karev blinked and seemed to be trying to determine whether she was pulling his leg or not. Addison moved past him and unlocked her car.

“Oh,” she turned back to him. “How’d it go with Ava?”

He shook his head. “She was already gone.”

She winced. “Sorry.”

“Yeah…” he brushed her off in typical Karev style. “So, wait. They didn’t get married? Seriously? What the hell happened?”

Addison shrugged. “Good question.”

She climbed into her car and left Karev standing there stunned and at a loss. She felt bad for him for more reasons than one, but there was nothing she could do to help him. Yang was one of his good friends, so surely he had a better idea than she did of why the wedding had halted.

Then again, she had thought she was fairly good friends with Burke, and she certainly had felt no indication from him about nagging doubts or cold feet. Not with those vows she’d heard in the OR. Now feeling at a loss with what to do with the rest of her day off, Addison sighed heavily and headed for home.

~

Jack wasn’t going to answer the phone – it had rang several times over the past few days and each time he had ignored it and let the machine get it. This time, however, for no particular reason, he leaned over and picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Jack? Is everything ok?” asked Sun. “Hurley told me he tried to call you but you never answered.”

Jack sighed. “I’m fine.” He swiftly dodged the rest of her statement and asked, “What about you?”

“Things are good. We went for an ultrasound today and the baby is healthy.”

“That’s good to hear,” he replied. “Jin must be getting excited.”

“He is,” he heard the smile in her voice. “He can’t decide whether he wants to know what it is or not. He changes his mind almost every day about it.”

Jack chuckled. A few moments of silence passed before he asked, “What time is it there?” They both knew he was really asking “Why are you calling?”

“We heard about Kate.”

“Yeah, well.” He shook his head though she couldn’t see. Perhaps it was because she was the first person he’d really talked to since it happened, perhaps it was because she’d been there on the island and she knew Kate too, but after a shuddering breath, he confessed, “I don’t know what to do.”

She waited patiently on the other end for him to continue. She’d always been good at listening.

“It’s not just Kate. It’s everything. I… I can’t remember how I used to be, how I used to… just get up in the morning and _function_.” He rose to his feet and began pacing the living room as he spoke. “I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened to us and everything we lost – I can’t… I can’t move forward.” He stopped and swallowed, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. “How do you go back to normal?”

Sun hesitated. “I didn’t. We didn’t.”

“What do you mean? You went back to Korea, you – “

“Going back to normal would mean being miserable all over again. We went back to Korea because that is our home. But Jin quit working for my father and I stood up to him, too. He’s no longer in a position where he can control our lives like he used to. I… am not on speaking terms with him right now, to be honest. But I know it is for the best, and we will work things out eventually, I think.”

He slowed his pacing as he listened to her. He’d known bits and pieces from previous conversations with her, or from talking to others, but he hadn’t known she was completely on the outs with her father.

Sun continued, “Jin and I communicate now. We live in a new house, and he’s reconnected with _his_ father. When we were rescued, we knew we had to change everything if we wanted to move forward. There’s no going back to our old lives, even if we wanted to. We were gone for more than three months, after all.”

She waited a moment while he processed her words.

“That makes sense,” he replied finally.

 “Jack, is the problem that you can’t get back to the life you had before the crash or that you don’t want to, but you’re trying anyways?”

“When did you become a psychologist?” he chuckled to lighten the mood.

She laughed softly but added in a more serious tone, “When you started drinking yourself to sleep and refusing to answer your phone.”

He settled with a sigh back down on the couch, pointedly not looking at the cans and bottles littering the floor. He didn’t know how she knew, but it didn’t matter because she was right.

“Jack, what you need is a fresh start. We all got one when we were rescued – the chance to start over and do things differently. We all changed on the island – it’s time you changed your life to reflect that.”

“Kate – “

“Kate is Kate,” Sun said. “She’s someone who didn’t change.” Her tone was a bit flat and cold and Jack felt surprised. Then again, Sun had known about the ring Jack had bought.

“Thanks,” he finally said after a good minute. “Thank you, Sun.”

“I have to go, but it was good to talk to you, Jack.”

“You too.”

After they’d chatted idly a few moments more, he bid her goodbye. He looked down at the cans and bottles on the floor, Sun’s words resonating within him. She and Jin had made changes to their lives in order to move forward. There was no going back, not after everything, not after all this time. And did he really want to? When he actually thought about it, was the life he had before one that he wanted back?

He’d been trying to get back to it and maybe that’s why he felt so lost and disconnected: it was a life he didn’t really want to return to. His father was recently gone, he was divorced and dealing with serious jealousy and paranoia, his mother guilt-tripping him about how he’d let things end with his father…

Then of course there was his job at St. Sebastian’s which had always been good, but he’d always been in his father’s shadow. Even after the incident, after his father lost his licence, somehow Jack was always being forced to prove he was good enough to be there, good enough to be a doctor and not just hired because he was the Chief’s son.

No, he didn’t want that life back, he finally realized. He didn’t want that at all.

A pang of sadness hit him as he thought, _I want Kate._

But she was long gone. He’d let her walk out the door. For good reason, and one he still stood by – he could not be a criminal and a fugitive, on the run, whether it meant being with her or not. But even so, it made his heart ache to know she was gone and probably never coming back. Someday she’d be caught and sent to jail. It was over for them.

His eyes moved to the ring box on the coffee table. _A fresh start. We all got one when we were rescued – the chance to start over and do things differently..._

He closed the box and suddenly feeling inexplicably lighter, he grabbed a garbage bag from the kitchen and proceeded to clean up the living room. Sun was right – all he needed was a fresh start.

~


	2. Chapter 2

“Here’s to Dr. Koroski!” Richard Webber toasted and everyone followed suit. They all knocked back their punch in unison before calling for Jim Koroski to make a speech.

“Alright, alright,” he patted the air with his hands to have the people gathered at the retirement party quiet down. “Working at Seattle Grace for the past sixteen years has been a wonderful honor, and I consider many of you to be good friends. Except Sloan, who steals all the good nurses.”

Koroski winked at Mark Sloan as everyone shared a laugh. 

He continued, “I’m hardly going to know what to do with myself now that I’m retiring, but Bev promises she has sixteen years worth of things for me to do!” When the laughter had died down again, he raised his punch glass. “To the doctors and nurses of Seattle Grace, my home away from home. May you find another spinal surgeon who is almost as good as I am.”

Addison chuckled as she finished her punch. She’d be sad to see Jim Koroski go. He was almost in his seventies and his wife had been trying to get him to retire for years, so she supposed it was time. He was a good friend however, and a very skilled surgeon, so it was bittersweet to be attending his retirement party. As she moved through the chattering crowd to refill her punch glass, Mark intercepted her.

“How about something stronger than punch?” he grinned.

She smirked. “Not all of us have the rest of the afternoon off, Mark,” she said. “Some of us are doing this thing called _work,_ which you would know about if you ever did any.”

“Oh!” he slapped his hand to his chest, pretending to be offended. “Two days off in a row does not a slacker make. When was the last time you had a day off, brown-noser?”

Now it was her turn to play mock offended. “I’ll have you know I took an afternoon off last week!”

“That doesn’t count.”

“Why not?”

“You took it off for your great aunt’s funeral. That doesn’t count.”

“But I wasn’t working.”

“But you weren’t _off_ having fun, either.”

“Fine, you win.”

“I always win.” He grinned again and turned his attention to the front where people were shaking hands with Koroski. “I’ll never understand the man.”

“Why?” asked Addison.

“He’s old but chicks still dig him. He has a top job and he’s retiring.”

Addison raised her eyebrow. “Which part don’t you understand? He’s just moving on, is all. Sometimes change is good.”

“Change is never good. And moving on is overrated.” He sent a suggestive look her way but she simply rolled her eyes.

“No, I admire him. He loves it here, but he realized it was just time for a change. Time to do something different, time to…”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with LA, does it?” Mark cut-in. “Because it kind of sounds like you’re just leading up to the moment where you slip in something like, ‘change is so good in fact, that I’m leaving tomorrow for Sam and Naomi’s place in LA.’”

She didn’t answer right away and the smile dropped off his handsome features at once. “You’re not. Tell me you’re not. Addison – “

“I’ve just been thinking about it! God, don’t make it sound like it’d be the worst thing in the universe.”

“It pretty much would be.”

She sighed and glanced idly at her watch. “I’ve _just_ been thinking about it, not deciding anything. Don’t panic.”

“Thinking all too often leads to doing. Which is why I avoid thinking – “

“That’s obvious – “

“Unless that thinking leads to a certain _kind_ of doing, like – “

“Oh God, don’t finish that sentence.” She drank the rest of her punch while he laughed. “I have to get back to the hospital. See you later, Mark.”

~

When Jack handed in his two weeks notice, many of the staff members at St. Sebastian’s were sad that he was leaving them. Irene wanted to throw him a going away party and Gary wanted to take him out for drinks, while Simon promised to call in favors to find him a job at any hospital Jack wanted, as did Clive. Erica, one of the neurosurgeons and a good friend, pulled him into her office the day she found out.

“You’re leaving?”

Jack nodded. “Yeah, I… it’s time for a change.”

She studied his features for a moment critically. “You know Jack, I never asked. When you got back and there was the media frenzy and everyone was constantly going at you… I’m just saying, I never asked.”

He remembered. She’d been one of the few people he could tolerate being around from his old life because she was content to let him be and didn’t badger him with questions about what happened on the island. He wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but he waited patiently.

“You’ve been different. Sad and distant. And I never asked.” Erica took a few steps towards him. “I understand if you don’t want to tell me, and I’m not about to pry. But… I just want to know if you’re okay.”

He shifted his weight from foot to foot and swallowed a sudden lump of emotion in his throat. “I will be.” He said, with an optimism he wasn’t sure he really felt.

She nodded slowly. “If you ever need anything, I’m always around.” Erica smiled and came forward to give him a friendly hug. “Good luck, wherever you’re going.”

Jack hugged her back and thanked her again. He promised to get together for coffee or drinks before he departed LA and then he left to get back to his patients of the day.

~

That night he started his job search. He searched dozens of job boards online and the websites of hospitals all over the country, from New York to Portland, Chicago to Austin. He didn’t have much of a preference, just that it was a fairly large city and not in California.

He applied for general surgery positions, Chief of Surgery openings and of course, postings for experienced spinal surgeons. He hoped to have a job in his specialty, but he knew he was more than capable to handle general surgery too if it came to it. He’d been close to getting the Chief of Surgery job before he’d gone after his father in Australia.

He sent out a number of resumes, and the following morning, placed several calls. Then he waited. As luck would have it, he didn’t have to wait long.

~

Addison took a breath before she opened the door to the Chief’s office. After a very long night where she laid awake tossing and turning, she had come to the conclusion that she was going to move to LA after all. There were a good many reasons to, though she’d be lying if she said her decision was more based on getting away from Seattle Grace than anything else. The people there were good and she missed Sam and Naomi. Working with them would be nice, and California was sunny and there would be no Mark or Karev clouding up her emotions…

Still, even as she walked down the halls to Richard’s office to tell him the news, she could feel herself wavering. She loved it here. She’d come initially on a favour, she’d stayed only to try and win Derek back, and then she’d somehow found herself laying down permanent roots. Leaving was going to be very hard indeed.

“Chief?” she said tentatively as she entered his office.

He made an angry growling noise and gestured for her to come in and shut the door.

Addison winced. She probably should wait and try to catch him in a better mood.

“I can’t believe this,” he grumbled. “I’m already down a spinal surgeon because Jim’s retiring, and Lacey is going on mat leave and I just received Burke’s resignation.” Richard rubbed his temples with his fingers while Addison stood frozen before him.

“Burke… quit?”

Richard sighed. “No Head of Cardiology, no Head of Geriatrics and no Spinal Specialist. I swear Addy, if you’re here to tell me you’re leaving too – “

“I’m not,” she said quickly and hitched a hasty smile on her face.

She could wait a few weeks, she thought. She was in no hurry to get to LA, and anyway, she didn’t need to pile more strain on the Chief before she absolutely had to. She hadn’t even officially talked to Sam or Naomi yet either and figured she probably should have done that first to make sure they actually had a spot for her.

“So Burke’s gone? Did he get another job?”

Richard heaved another sigh. “I don’t know. I can only assume it has to do with the wedding between him and Yang – what ever happened, or didn’t happen, I suppose, was enough to make him leave the hospital and probably Seattle. The letter’s very formal, it doesn’t say much of anything.”

He held it out to Addison and she skimmed it, catching wordy sentences about _“pursuing other opportunities_ ”, _“provided with a great deal of inimitable experience”_ , _“graciously acknowledging skills and practices of a celebrated medical institution”_ and _“regretfully submit my resignation from Seattle Grace”_.

Her heart sunk. Even though the wedding had been called off, she hadn’t thought he’d quit. Taken some time off, sure, maybe even an extended absence. It had been almost three weeks, after all. Yang was off with Grey on the pre-paid honeymoon, and Addison had just assumed that he’d be back. She, and everyone else, still had no clue _why_ the wedding had been called off in the first place. The rumor mill circulated violently of course, but she had been counting on asking Burke for the truth when she next saw him.

“I see,” she finally said.

“You don’t happen to know any excellent cardiologists or spinal specialists, do you, Addy?” Richard asked, only half-kidding.

She shook her head. “Unfortunately, no. Did you try Erica Hahn? Last I heard she was attending at Seattle Presbyterian. Burke told me she was top of the class with him at John Hopkins.” Addison shrugged and handed Burke’s letter back to Richard. “Maybe she’d be available.”

“It’s worth a try.” He returned his gaze to the papers strewn about his desk for a moment then looked back up at Addison. “Sorry, Addy, did you need something?”

“Oh, uh, no, I… was just coming to see if you’d found anyone to take Jim’s job yet is all,” she said quickly and not terribly convincingly, but Richard didn’t seem to notice.

“Mm,” he nodded. “Well I’ll let you know when I do.”

She exited his office and exhaled in a rush when she shut the door behind her. So much for standing her ground and telling the Chief that she was going to quit too and move to LA. She rolled her eyes at herself and decided to give it a week or two and hopefully he’d have found someone to take over for Koroski, Lacey or Burke and adding her name to the mix wouldn’t end up being so bad.

~

Jack had just come in the door, his armful of essential groceries, when the phone rang. Hoping it was someone returning his calls or better yet, a job offer, he dumped the various bags on the counter and hastily scooped up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Jack Shephard?” The voice on the other end was fairly deep and authoritative.

“Yes, it is.”

“My name is Richard Webber and I’m Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital. I got your number from Clive Burns over at St. Sebastian’s,” the man said. “I’ve recently had some openings in my staff, one of them a Spinal Specialist position. Clive tells me you’re one of the best he’s seen.”

Jack chuckled. “I don’t know if that’s true, sir, but I am very good at what I do.”

“Said you once performed a successful surgery on a woman with a crushed spinal column a few years back. That she walked out of hospital instead of being paralyzed for life.” Webber was asking for confirmation that it was true, but Jack could tell by the tone in his voice that whatever Clive had said had deeply impressed him.

Jack swallowed, memories of Sarah and their brief marriage flashing through his mind before he answered. “That is true, yes.”

“Clive also told me that you recently left St. Sebastian’s to look for new opportunities.”

“I did.”

“Ever look as far as Seattle?”

~


	3. Chapter 3

“Well,” Chief exhaled heavily as he approached Bailey and Addison, who were surveying the surgery board. “I have one less vacancy to fill.”

Bailey stepped forward with a couple charts in one hand and a dry erase pen in the other. “You find someone to replace Lacey?” she asked as she updated the surgical board.

“Not yet. And I’ll be interviewing Dr. Hahn from Seattle Pres on the 15th next month for Burke’s position. We do, however, have a new spinal surgeon.”

“Anyone we know?” enquired Addison.

“Not personally. I made a few calls and Alan Reynolds over at Seattle Pres had me talk to Clive Burns down in LA. He had a surgeon recently quit because of personal reasons or some such – looking to get out of California, in any event.”

Addison couldn’t help the smirk that slid across her lips. Ironic that she was planning to soon leave Seattle for LA, while another surgeon was doing the opposite.

“His name is Jack Shephard. He comes with a list of references as long as my leg,” Chief chuckled. “We’re going to be one lucky hospital if we get stars like him and Hahn, and so quickly too.”

“Well, timing is everything,” Addison mused.

Bailey proceeded to ask the Chief if he’d yet made a decision about the position of Chief Resident. The Chief answered vaguely and in a non-committal fashion before smoothly changing the subject. He proceeded to talk over the surgeries of the day with Bailey, and Addison took that moment to go check on some of her patients.

Yes, timing was everything. Which was exactly why she was going to hold off on telling the Chief about LA just a little longer. He was clearly pleased about getting this Shephard guy for Jim’s old job, but she could tell he was still stressing about the other two positions. They were top jobs, important ones, and though he was to be interviewing Hahn next month, there was no guarantee that she was right for the job nor that she even wanted it.

Still, Seattle Grace was a top hospital and he was bound to fill the open spots soon. She promised herself that she would do it then: call up Naomi and say she was coming for sure, then inform the Chief that she was leaving Seattle. Besides, this way she’d at least get to meet the new guy before she left for LA and maybe even laugh with him about how they were practically switching spots.

~

Jack wasted no time in getting things going once Webber offered him the job and he accepted. The job sounded good, and he knew Seattle Grace had a solid reputation as an excellent hospital with some of the top surgeons in the country. That, plus the generous salary, and most importantly the fact that Seattle was not California, made his decision easy.

He was packed within days, choosing to sell or give away most of his things. He kept some essentials and a few boxes of clothes, but he wanted to hold on to as little as possible from his old life. If he was going to have a fresh start, he was going to have a _fresh_ start. With the hefty settlement from Oceanic Airlines, most of which he hadn’t had a reason to spend yet, as well as the savings still in his bank account, it was going to be a fairly easy task to find a decent apartment in Seattle and furnish it with all new things.

Of course, if he was being truly honest with himself, the main reason behind getting rid of so much was that everywhere he looked, he was reminded of Kate or the life he’d had before the crash. Two things he very much wanted to forget.

He arranged to have the few things he was taking with him shipped to a storage facility in Seattle, then flew out the following day. He spent the week in a hotel with a travel bag, apartment hunting, and by the weekend, he’d found a decently sized if somewhat expensive loft apartment just half an hour or so from Seattle Grace. After another few days of shopping, putting furniture together and one trip to the storage facility for his things, he was officially moved in and ready to start over.

~

“Did you see?” Callie asked the moment she laid eyes on Addison.

“Did I see what?”

“The bulletin board – did you see it? The Chief made his pick for Chief Resident.”

“And I’m guessing by the idiotic grin on your face right now, he didn’t pick Bailey as we all assumed he would.”

Callie clapped her hands together excitedly. “He didn’t pick Bailey.”

“Congratulations,” Addison offered with a smile. “But good luck – the interns all come back from their holidays today, and now _they_ are _residents_.”

“God help us.” Callie mumbled darkly.

“Look on the bright side,” said the redhead. “You can torture them as much as you want now _and_ they’re going to each get their own set of petty, annoying interns.”

The grin returned to Callie’s face. “Mm, that’s true. Hopefully the new interns are just as irritating as the old ones were so they can know how it feels. Payback’s a bitch!”

Addison laughed in agreement before stating, “The new spinal guy starts today.”

“Should be interesting.  Every chance he gets the Chief goes on about how good this guy is supposed to be.”

Addison nodded. “And with any luck, he’s young, hot and available too.”

Callie’s pager went off about then and she bid her friend goodbye. Addison headed to the elevator and to the cafeteria to grab a quick snack. In the elevator on her way back up to the surgical floor, she couldn’t help but note that the other occupant was very handsome, with dark hair and eyes. He was wearing a very nice suit and, she casually noted with a subtle sideways glance, no wedding ring. Then her thoughts turned to the first day she’d been in LA, and the horrifyingly awkward conversation she’d had with a different good-looking man in an elevator. He had later turned out to be one of Naomi’s coworkers and she still hadn’t decided if that was better or worse than him being a perfect stranger.

The memory made her laugh and she tried to stifle it, but not before a muffled giggle escaped. The man glanced her way with a small smile and though she mentally promised not to say a word, she couldn’t just _not_ explain her laughter. What if he thought she was laughing at him for some reason?

“Sorry,” she said a moment later. “It’s not you, I was just thinking about this time I was in LA, and in an elevator. I just started saying things and didn’t stop. Something about how elevators are kind of aphrodisiac where I come from.”

He seemed to be trying not laugh himself as he asked politely, “Where do you come from?”

“Here. Seattle, I mean. I work here, actually.”

 _Shut up Addison, shut up, shut up – God, it’s Pete all over again. Although, that didn’t end so badly now that I think about it…_

“I see.”

“Not that elevators _are_ an aphrodisiac, but just at this hospital, it seems. People tend to make out in them. Not all the time, of course – clearly we’re not making out.” She forced a laugh that sounded very much unlike her own and the man turned to face the elevator doors.

 _God, shut up, shut up…_

“Please stop me anytime. Because for some reason lately, I find myself rambling incoherently in front of handsome strangers, and unable to stop. It’s apparently a new habit.” She winced and he chuckled.

Mercifully the doors opened to the surgical floor and she rushed ahead to climb out. She didn’t look back and hurried around the nearest corner where she slapped her hand to her forehead, cheeks burning. When the hell did she become such a school girl around any decent-looking man? And since when was she unable to stop herself from rambling like a complete moron? She thought of that elevator ride with Pete again and shut her eyes for a moment, internally calling herself names.

Just because she hadn’t sex in weeks did not mean…

She was so busy silently scolding herself all the way to the nurses’ station, where she planned to pick up her charts, that it wasn’t until she was standing right there that she realized the Chief was talking to the man from the elevator.

“That’s pretty well everything. I’ll take you around to meet some of the staff, and on the way I’ll show you to the locker room for Attendings where you can change into some scrubs.” Chief was saying and then held out his hand to shake the hand of the man in the suit. “Welcome to Seattle Grace, Dr. Shephard.”

Addison’s heart sunk. _Oh God._ She _would_ have to go and make a fool of herself in front of the hot new doctor. Of course, of _course_ she would. She snatched up some charts at random and hastened away, her face feeling quite hot. She decided she would do her best to avoid the new doctor for the rest of the day and hopefully by tomorrow, she’d be more in control of her tongue and he’d forget that she was the idiot in the elevator.

Her luck only got worse from there. A mere ten minutes later, she was passing a nurse who was hurrying a young man, with a decidedly green tinge to his pale face, to the nearest bathroom. Addison jumped out of the way when he retched, but not far enough, and ended up with much of the contents of the man’s stomach on her scrubs. Both the nurse and the young man apologized profusely, but Addison waved them off.

“Occupational hazard,” she smiled reassuringly and grabbed a handful of paper towels before heading straight to the Attending locker rooms to change.

Thankfully she made sure to keep a couple spare sets of scrubs on hand just in case, because every once in a while, she’d end up with someone’s body fluids down her front. With a heavy sigh, she opened the door to the locker room and went in, where, _of course_ , the new doctor was at that moment.

“Oh!” she exclaimed, caught off guard by the sight of Dr. Jack Shephard, changing into a set of navy blue scrubs. “Sorry, I – “

“No, it’s fine – “ Jack yanked up his pants over his boxers hastily.

“I just, uh – sorry, I - “

“Not a problem.” Jack slipped his top on and Addison furiously tried to forget the sight of him in boxer shorts. And without a shirt. And what she’d said to him in the elevator.

“Are you sure? I can come back.”

He surveyed her with a chuckle. “Don’t bother. Looks like you really need to change.”

She glanced down at the mess on her front and quipped, “Oh, I don’t know, I’m trying out a new look. I heard that Covered-In-Puke was all the rage.”

“I don’t know what fashion magazine you’re reading, but I think you better start buying a different one.” He joked back.

“Probably good advice. Can’t imagine I’m very attractive right now.” She said it without thinking and immediately wished she could take it back. Before he had the chance to reply, she hastily continued, “Oh God, sorry, I’m not looking for a compliment or anything, or you know, some cheesy movie line where the guy is all ‘You’re beautiful to me no matter what’ because obviously we just met. I’m just saying, being covered in puke _in general_ is unattractive, not just me specifically.”

Addison could feel her face growing hot again and wished she could disappear.

“And now that you’re probably fairly certain I am in fact from the psych ward and not really a doctor, I am going to finally stop talking.” There was that forced laugh again.

Jack chuckled. “No, it’s fine,” he said which somehow made her feel worse. He surely thought she was a complete whack job by now, she just knew it. He added, “I wouldn’t look good in puke either.”

He scooped up one of the folded hand towels on the bench and disappeared around the last row of large, dark wood lockers to wash his face at the sinks there. She mimed her fingers as a gun shooting herself for her ridiculousness then retrieved a pair of fresh scrubs from her locker. Addison hesitated for a moment, debating whether or not to go change in a bathroom, wait for Jack to leave, or to just be really, really fast. Seeing as how the smell was starting to get to her, she opted for really, really fast.

 _Although_ , she thought. _If he_ does _happen to catch me changing, I luckily wore cute underwear today._

For a small moment, she considered changing slowly so that he would “accidentally” catch her changing. Her own impulse made her blush, however, and she decided she’d already made things awkward enough between her and the new doctor, she didn’t need to make it worse. She also decided to speak in minimal sentences from now on to avoid more idiotic rambling.

Addison had just finished pulling on her fresh scrubs when her pager went off, as did Jack’s shiny new one. She tossed her things in the laundry bin and yanked her long red hair into a messy bun as she hurried for the door. Jack reached it first, opened it to let her through, and they hastened down to the ER together.

~


	4. Chapter 4

When Jack first arrived in the ER, it seemed like total chaos. After a quick moment of observation, however, he realized it was more just his unfamiliarity with the staff and processes at Seattle Grace that made things seem so chaotic. There were several residents, all with a few interns each, getting assignments from a tall curvy woman with dark hair and pretty eyes. Various other doctors and nurses were taking incoming patients to trauma rooms, while other groups rushed out to meet the paramedics at the Emergency bay doors.

“You Jack Shephard?”

The dark haired woman called and Jack turned. “I am, whaddya got?”

“Callie Torres, Chief Resident,” she said and thrust a chart into his hands. “Multiple vehicle accident, injuries all over the board. You take Trauma 2 – Wendy Dunbar, 25 years old, 34 weeks pregnant. She’s got a piece of the steering column right through her – looks like it missed the baby, but it’s crushing her spine and she’ll need surgery immediately. Nothing like being thrown in the deep end on your first day, huh?” She finished with a small smile and directed him to trauma room 2.

Jack nodded and once he was in the trauma room, he flew into action. The pregnant woman was crying heavily, strapped down to a backboard and had a brace secured around her neck to keep her from moving. Jack set to work examining her while another doctor swiftly tended to the superficial wounds on Wendy’s limbs and face.

“Wendy, I’m Dr. Shephard,” he said as he flashed a light from one of her blue eyes to the other, ensuring they were equal and reactive.

 _Good_ , he thought. _No serious head trauma._

He briefly looked over the metal coming out of her stomach before moving down to her feet. “We’re going to take good care of you. Can you wiggle your toes for me?”

“I’m not sure if I…” the blonde woman’s voice quivered and tears rolled down the sides of her face. “They’re wiggling, right?”

Jack noted grimly that they weren’t moving whatsoever. “Alright now, Wendy, I need you to tell me if you can feel this?”

He did the pin prick test next, poking a pin into her toes, then the tops and bottoms of her feet.

“Feel what? Have you done it yet?” She answered shrilly.

Jack prodded her ankles, shins and calves. “How about this, Wendy? Tell me if you can feel this.”

“I don’t – I don’t think so. What does that mean?” she cried. “Does that mean I’m paralyzed? Oh _God_ I can’t be paralyzed!”

“Wendy, I need you to calm down, okay? It’s going to be alright.” Jack said soothingly as he reached her knees. “I just need you to relax as much as you can and tell me if you can feel this.”

Wendy’s lips trembled as she closed her eyes briefly. A second later, she opened them and replied, “I think so… kind of. Are you – something is pinching or poking by my, uh, my knee. Above my… right knee.”

Jack nodded. “Good – that’s good, Wendy.”

As he was checking Wendy, the red-headed doctor he’d run into a couple times that day joined him. She was the Head of Neonatal, he quickly learned, and though she’d seemed oddly nervous or uneasy in his presence before, she hardly seemed to notice him now that they were working.

“Should I page Dr. Shepherd?” asked the resident when the red-head, Dr. Montgomery, had arrived.

Jack glanced up, about to say he was already present but she swiftly answered, “He’s tied up with a pair of severe head traumas. Dr. Shephard,” she gestured briefly to Jack. “And I will take care of this.”

While Jack checked for sensation in Wendy’s legs, Dr. Montgomery immediately began doing an ultrasound to ensure the baby was indeed unharmed by the chunk of steering column currently sticking out of the woman. Jack moved beside Dr. Montgomery and noted that the baby seemed alright for now, but they had to get it out at once.

“Baby’s heart rate is up,” she murmured. “The metal caused her water to break prematurely. We’ll need to get her into surgery right now.”

Jack agreed with her assessment and switched places with Dr. Montgomery so he could use the ultrasound machine to get a better look at what the steering column piece was doing to Wendy’s spine and internal organs. Dr. Montgomery turned to the first-year resident in the room with them.

 “Dr. Grey,” she said. “Book an OR. We need to take this woman straight into surgery.” After the resident hurried out with a couple interns to find an open OR, Dr. Montgomery faced Jack again.

“It’s hit her spine,” he shook his head slightly. “The rod is crushing her laminae and putting pressure on her spine. I’ll have to do an emergency laminectomy as soon as you’ve handled the baby.”

She nodded. “I’ll need to do a C-section right away and get that baby out of there.”

They both moved forward to where Wendy’s head was strapped down. Dr. Montgomery went around to the other side and in a calm voice, explained to Wendy what was going on and what needed to happen next, while Jack continued using the ultra sound machine to check for further injuries.

~

Jack admired the efficiency with which the staff at Seattle Grace functioned. It wasn’t too long before he and Dr. Montgomery had scrubbed in and were operating. He and the resident from before, Dr. Meredith Grey, worked to remove the section of steering column. Dr. Montgomery and an intern, George O’Malley, monitored the baby and prepared to perform C-section.

As Jack and Dr. Grey were attempting to assess the damage done to Wendy’s spine and internal organs, the fetal heart monitor began beeping rapidly.

“BP’s dropping – we have to get the baby out right away,” Dr. Montgomery said.

She and Dr. O’Malley worked swiftly to deliver the baby while Jack and Dr. Grey moved out of the way. Roughly forty or so minutes into the surgery, the baby was delivered and Jack could see Dr. Montgomery smiling under her surgical mask. She passed the baby to O’Malley who placed her in a warmer.

“Nice job,” commented Jack.

“All in a day’s work,” said Dr. Montgomery. She joined O’Malley by the warmer and proceeded to tend to the baby.

Jack couldn’t help but note how different this woman was than the one he’d met in the elevator and the locker room that day. This woman was strong and confident, professional and quick under pressure. He already admired her skills and the way she’d expertly delivered that baby. He glanced up from his work and thought that if all the doctors at Seattle Grace were as skilled as she was, it was certainly going to be a great place to work.

He returned his focus to the task at hand and proceeded to fully extricate the chunk of metal.

~

Addison turned on the scrub room faucet with her elbow and began washing her arms and hands. Jack joined her.

“That was very impressive in there,” he commented a moment later.

“Thanks,” she replied. “You weren’t so bad yourself. Pretty good first day, I’d say.”

“Pretty good first day.” Jack agreed.

As it fell quiet between them, Addison inevitably thought of her previous encounters with Jack that day and felt an embarrassed blush start to creep across her features again.

 _This is ridiculous,_ she thought. She didn’t want to constantly have this feeling every time she saw him.

“Just so you know,” she piped up. “I have an evil twin that runs around making awkward conversations in elevators and locker rooms. So if you see her, just pretend it never happened.”

Jack laughed. “That _was_ you, wasn’t it?”

“My twin. Definitely my evil – well, more awkward than evil – twin.” She smiled and dried her hands. “Basically I’d really like to just skip the part where I made a total fool of myself – twice – and start over. Or start properly, whatever you want to call it.” She held out her hand. “Hi, I’m Addison Montgomery.”

Jack dried his hands on some paper towel and then grasped her hand firmly, eyes twinkling as he played along. “Jack Shephard. Nice to meet you, Addison.” He headed for the door but turned back and added, “I’ll keep an eye out for that awkward twin of yours. Maybe avoid the elevators. And locker rooms.”

Addison laughed – her real laugh this time, not that horrid forced one she seemed to be doing lately – and he grinned as he exited the scrub room. From that moment, she knew there was no longer any doubt: she liked him. She already liked his close cropped dark hair, his wide smile and his brown-green eyes. She liked his lips too…

She gave herself a little shake before her imagination went any further. No way was she starting another complicated relationship at this hospital. If she was being honest with herself, she still thought far too much about Mark (she missed a lot of things about him, if not _everything_ about him), about Derek (she still missed him some days too – they’d been married for 11 years, after all)or even about her very brief fling with Karev (alright, so she really only missed the hot sex, but still). There was no way she should be adding Jack to that list.

Not to mention the fact that it was barely his first day. She’d only spent a few hours in the OR with him, that didn’t mean she knew him well, or if he had a girlfriend. Besides, she reminded herself, what good would it do to get involved right before she left for LA?

~

Jack was quite exhausted when he arrived at his apartment late that night. After Wendy’s surgery, he’d had two more, as well as an assist on a man with a severed arm that needed reattaching, and then countless minor sutures and bandaging in between surgeries. It’d been an extremely full day but he felt satisfied with the work he’d done and thought he’d made a good impression.

The best part was that though one or two people had commented that Jack looked familiar, no one had specifically recognized him. That was a relief so huge he almost felt doubly exhausted as a result. The rescue of the Oceanic survivors of course had been extremely publicized all over the world, but it had been more than four months ago, and there had been many survivors. The national attention span was short, however, and within weeks, Jack was fairly certain the majority of people had moved on and forgotten about them.

In LA however, where several of the survivors resided, they became tabloid fodder, especially when Kate was arrested for her previous crimes. Even months later, Jack found he got recognized or photographed often, or stopped by paparazzi and random passer-bys to be questioned about “what really happened” to him and the others. The survivors opted to keep the details about what exactly happened sparse, as they all simply wanted to move on with their lives. Naturally, this had only made the press dog them more for the “real story”. He kept hoping that they would give up and find someone else to bother, but when Kate escaped, he apparently became interesting all over again.

Coming to Seattle, he’d feared being followed by the paparazzi who had hounded him for stories in LA and figured it was only a matter of time before they found him in Seattle. He’d also feared that when he arrived at the hospital, people would recognize him as one of the Oceanic survivors and want to talk to him about his experiences.

And truthfully, it wasn’t that he refused to explain what had happened, but he’d had enough trouble trying to move on, he didn’t need to be constantly rehashing the past. Close friends or family had been given a slightly more detailed account of things, but he didn’t think the rest of the world and the press needed to know. Besides, there _were_ a lot of things that happened on the island that he was particularly reluctant to discuss or be forced to remember. He rubbed his eyes, clearing away memories of burying Libby and Ana, of Charlie not coming back from the underwater station, of Boone on that makeshift table, bloody and struggling to speak…

With a heavy sigh, he settled at his desk and opened his laptop, looking for a distraction to pull his mind away from his memories. Out of habit, he opened up several tabs in his internet browser and brought up various news related sites. He scanned the top headlines of the day and didn’t see anything about the fugitive Kate Austen being captured once again. He exhaled and closed his computer again.

Jack retrieved a beer from the fridge, settled onto his new leather couch and turned on his TV. He browsed aimlessly before choosing some older movie he’d never heard of and fell asleep before it was over.

~


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: This is probably one of my favorite chapters for some reason - well, one scene in particular. The Grey's characters very often came very easily to me, especially Mark. Hope you enjoy!

The rest of his first week at Seattle Grace went similarly. Because he had an extensive and broad medical background, as well as his speciality in spinal surgery, there was no shortage of work for him. His shifts were full of procedures, surgeries, check-ups, sutures and so on, while the time he spent in between shifts at his apartment were quiet, spent searching for any news on Kate before falling asleep on the couch.

~

The following Saturday, Addison was seated in the cafeteria idly flipping through an old magazine. She glanced up when Jack walked past, and flashed him a smile which he returned before he exited the cafeteria. Mark, arriving with a tray of his own food, noticed the way her eyes followed Jack out of the room. Once seated, he faced her, grinning like mad.

“What?” Addison scooped up the last of her salad, a bit unnerved by the look Mark was giving her.

“You have the hots for the new doctor.”

“Why, because I invited him to Joe’s earlier or because I just smiled at him? I’m going to invite the Chief to Joe’s – you think I got it for him too?”

“I heard you before: you said a bunch of people were going to Joe’s tonight. Now _after that_ you’re finding people to make up this afore mentioned _bunch_.” Mark shook his head slightly.

Addison rolled her eyes. “Just because I haven’t asked _one_ person – “

“Who else have you actually asked?” He leaned forward on the table.

She didn’t meet his eyes as she answered rather unconvincingly, “Lots of people. Enough to make _a bunch_.”

“Uh-huh. How about some names?”

Her cheeks flushed slightly and he started laughing.

“I do _not_ have the hots for him.” She hissed and hastened away from the table, tray in hand. And of course, her actions and tone only served to make it abundantly clear to Mark that she _did_ in fact have “the hots” for one Dr. Jack Shephard.

“Hey,” Mark called after her. “What about me? Aren’t you going to ask me to be a part of your bunch?”

She ignored him.

Addison cleared off her tray and left the cafeteria, finding it irritating and amusing that this was the second Dr. Shephard in her life she found herself strongly attracted to. Of course, Derek’s last name was spelt differently, but that hardly mattered.

 _Derek!_ She thought. _I can invite Derek too…_

~

When Jack finished his shift that day and headed home, the last thing he felt like doing was going out and being social. He didn’t know how the others did it: it seemed every other night a group of them were at a local bar near the hospital called Joe’s. He knew he should be used to the long hours, having dealt with them for many years, but somehow he still felt too tired to do anything lately. Admittedly, it was probably just the stress of the past year taking its toll on him.

He shut his eyes briefly…

 _“Do you really think all this is an accident? That we, a group of strangers, survived? Many of us just with superficial injuries?” Locke gestured as he spoke, the torchlight flickering across his lined features. “Do you think we crashed on this place by coincidence? Especially_ this _place? We were brought here, for a purpose, for a reason – all of us. Each… one of us… was brought here for a reason.”_

 _“Brought here.” Jack studied Locke, trying to determine if he was really serious, before adding, “And who brought us here, John?”_

 _“The island.”_

He shook his head, clearing his mind. Months later, memories of everything continued to plague him. Out of habit, he looked for an immediate distraction.

Jack went to the kitchen and fixed himself a drink. With a sigh he settled at his desk and opened his laptop, absently checking the same news websites all over again. Still no news. He checked his email next and sent off a reply to an e-mail from Sun, in which she had updated him on the progress of her pregnancy and asked how things were going in Seattle.

As he re-entered the kitchen to have another drink, he stopped with the bottle hovering over his cup. He’d been invited out for drinks with his new coworkers, and here he was drinking alone. It wasn’t like he had plans, had to be somewhere else...

 _But you never said you’d come, either,_ he silently reminded himself.

Still, he thought it was a good idea to get to know his coworkers a bit better, even if he was feeling a bit anti-social.

 _Besides_ , he thought. _I need the distraction._

He put the glass in the sink, scooped up his jacket and keys and headed out.

~

Addison told herself not to expect him. She told herself she didn’t care whether or not he showed up, told herself that just because she’d been in a few of his surgeries, spent a handful of lunch breaks with him, and chatted briefly in the halls from time to time, did not make them friends and mean she could count on him showing up. She reminded herself sternly that though she’d certainly shown interest the past couple of days when she happened to be alone with Jack (contrary to what she told Mark of course), and he seemed to be flirting back a little bit, it didn’t mean he was as eager to see her as she was to see him. And then she told herself she _wasn’t_ eager to see him, reminding herself that she knew hardly anything about him, including whether the growing feelings of attraction were truly mutual.

But that didn’t stop her from casually glancing at the door nearly every time it opened and feeling a bit disappointed when she didn’t see his handsome figure come through it.

So in order to continue pretending she didn’t care, she did shots with Mark, and ignored the noisy interns – _residents_ , she thought, still finding it hard to think of them as residents – seated at the bar. By the time Jack did in fact show up, she was past very tipsy and on her way to sufficiently drunk.

“Dr. Shephard, you made it,” greeted Mark.

“Just Jack is fine,” said Jack as he took the empty chair at the small round table.

“Good, because I don’t need Derek over here getting confused every time I say _Shephard._ ”

“You better order something - you need to catch up with these two.” Derek gestured to the various empty glasses and shot glasses scattered about the table, then at Mark who was a little bleary eyed and Addison who was smiling widely.

“Not having a drink yourself?”

Derek chuckled. “I have to be the sober one to make sure these two get home.”

Jack nodded and then headed to the bar to order a beer. While he was gone, Derek shook his head and laughed at his ex-wife.

“God, it’s so obvious.”

“What?”

“Mark was right – you are _so_ into him.”

“Not!” she protested fruitlessly and was rendered even more unconvincing as her eyes tracked Jack’s progress through the crowds of people back to their table. “Not…”

“It’s the name, isn’t it?” Mark slurred. “If I was Mark Shepherd – or maybe Shephard with an _A_ , you’d – “

Addison hastily shushed him as Jack was in ear shot and settled back at their table.

They proceeded to talk about their days and cases for quite some time, and when the subject inevitably shifted to cars and mechanical things as a result of there being three guys and one girl at the table, Addison decided it was time for another drink. She made her way to the bar.

“Two more,” she ordered.

Joe eyed her. “You look like you’re about three drinks away from being cut off .”

Addison smirked. “Well then after these two, I’ll still have one more.” When Joe raised his eyebrow, she added, “Alright, fine, a water too then.”

“Coming right up.”

As Addison waited, she realized that Meredith Grey and her friends were a few seats away at the bar, talking about the new Dr. Shephard.

“I feel like he’s got a secret – like a wonderful, dark secret and he just needs someone to listen. Look at him over there, smiling, but his eyes aren’t, are they?” Stevens was saying.

Yang snorted and Stevens glared.

“Not everyone has a tortured past they’re hiding, you know.”

“He needs a McName,” Grey said and sipped her drink thoughtfully, stopping Stevens from retorting to Yang’s remark.

“How about Mc-Tall-Dark-And-Handsome?” Stevens suggested, accepting the slight subject change.

“Too long,” Grey shook her head.

“Just McHandsome?”

Grey wrinkled her nose. “Not untrue, but...”

“Mc… Spinal Surgeon.” O’Malley put in unenthusiastically.

“Lame, George,” said Yang.

“I didn’t hear you suggesting anything. McAngry.”

“Mc-Shut-Up.”

“Mc-Make-Me.”

“Mc-Stop-Using-the-Mc.” Grey snapped. She turned her gaze back to Jack, as did Stevens.

“We’ll get it. We’ll figure it out eventually…”

Addison laughed to herself as she collected her drinks from Joe and returned to the table with the boys.

As the night wore on, Addison eased back on the drinks a bit so she wasn’t quite so drunk. She spent time chatting with Chief and Callie, and couldn’t help noting that her friend seemed worried about something.

“Don’t worry about it,” Callie smiled tightly.

“Callie, come on,” Addison wheedled when they were alone by the jukebox.

“Maybe tomorrow, alright? I really don’t feel like talking about it.”

Addison wanted to pry, but Callie dropped her gaze and her tone was the type of tired, defeated tone that left no room for the red-head’s tactics to get the truth out. She reluctantly changed the subject and after a few minutes of Addison regaling her with a humiliating story from her residency, her friend looked cheered. Jack had come up beside them at some point and listened, and laughed loudly when she was finished.

“You really wore it all day?”

“All day,” Addison confirmed, swaying slightly on the spot. “And it was _really_ that pink.”

Jack laughed and she tried not to stare at his smile. “I just have a hard time picturing you in a neon pink feathered bikini, scrubbing floors.”

“I still have it. It’s my favourite floor scrubbing outfit,” she dead-panned.

Callie brought over a round of shots, and the three of them threw them back, though Jack needed a little bit of coaxing. Addison caught Jack’s eye and smiled her best smile before losing her balance slightly and sitting down hastily to cover the fact. Callie laughed and went to join Mark and Derek who were playing darts. Or, more properly, Derek was playing darts and Mark was struggling to just hit the target and not the wall.

 _Wow_ , Addison thought, her head swirling a little. _I am_ really _drunk._

“Careful,” Jack grabbed another chair and pulled it around so he sat directly in front of her. “You okay? I think you’ve probably had a few too many tonight.” He smiled kindly and reached for the hand she had holding the table edge to steady her.

 _No wedding ring,_ she noted with an air of triumph.

“Addison? Are you alright?”

Then all at once, the attraction she felt for Jack bubbled up in one big rush of affection and she leaned forward to kiss him soundly on the lips. For one shining moment, she was _kissing Jack_ and his lips moved beneath hers…

But then he pulled away. “Addison…”

“Yes Jack?”

“Look, Addison,” he shifted uneasily. “I feel like you’ve been flirting with me all week, and maybe I’ve been reading the signals wrong – “

“You haven’t,” she said with her best seductive smile. God, she was drunk.

He cleared his throat. “I’m really flattered but – “

Her shoulders slumped disappointedly and the familiar feel of embarrassment was already making her face warm. “You have a girlfriend?”

“No,” he said hesitantly. “Not exactly.”

“Oh _God_ , you’re married, aren’t you?” she recoiled in horror, suddenly much more sober. “And you’re one of those guys, those doctors who doesn’t wear their wedding ring at work because they’re always putting it on and taking it off for surgeries so why bother and oh _God_ I’m so sorry, I would’ve never - !”

Jack laughed and held up his hands. “Addison, calm down, I’m not married either.”

She stared for a moment. _He’s just not interested,_ she thought. That wasn’t so bad. There were plenty of guys who’d liked her and _she_ hadn’t been interested…

Except somehow it felt worse. In that small moment after he said he wasn’t married and before he spoke again, it hurt to know he simply wasn’t interested. That maybe she wasn’t pretty enough (like hell she wasn’t) or funny enough (so she wasn’t a comedian, but come on! She had sense of humor!) or slutty enough (maybe he was interested in Grey – everybody else was at some point, it seemed).

But then he continued, “I’m… in love with someone else.”

She sat back in her chair. “Oh.”

He cleared his throat uncomfortably again. “Besides, aren’t you and Mark…?” He trailed off but gestured helplessly with his hand to where Mark was pulling his darts out of the wall around the target.

“What? Together? Oh no, no – been there done that,” she laughed much too hard, somehow trying to ease the awkward conversation but only making it worse. “Several times actually. I mean we got together when I was married to Derek, which was awful I know, and then I came to Seattle to get Derek back and then _he_ came to Seattle – Mark did. Then Derek left me for some skanky intern – okay, she’s actually not that bad, but I kind of hated her for a while, especially since everybody acts like she’s a damn goddess most of the time and she can’t do anything wrong…”

Jack was staring and she realized she was rambling. She stopped immediately and it was her turn to clear her throat uneasily.

“No. Mark and I are not together.”

“I’m sorry, I – “

“No! Don’t worry about it, please,” Addison insisted. “I am just incredibly drunk off my ass and doing stupid things – it’s just what I do these days. Especially around you, apparently.” She hadn’t meant the last bit to sound quite so cold.

“Addison…”

She stood none too steadily. “It’s fine, Jack, really. It’s late anyways, and I have a shift tomorrow afternoon, so I really should get going home. I uh,” she glanced at Derek who looked like he was having a great time with Chief, Mark and Callie. She wasn’t going to bother him to drive her home, especially if it meant being here for another minute. “I’ll just go call myself a cab.”

He stood too, wanting to say more, but she wasn’t about to let him. She’d already humiliated herself beyond belief with him several times over, what was one more? What was one more crushing moment of horrifying embarrassment? Maybe with any luck she would wake up tomorrow and not remember any of this, and neither would he.

“Addison – “ he tried again, but she waved her hand at him.

“Good night Jack, see you later.”

~


	6. Chapter 6

Jack thanked Derek once again for driving him home from the bar before letting himself into the building. He proceeded to make his way unevenly to his apartment, and collapsed on the couch once he was inside. He’d stayed at the bar for a couple more hours after Addison had left, drinking with the others (and when asked where Addison had gone, he’d said she wasn’t feeling well and had called a cab), but felt bad for embarrassing her.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like her – no, she was very attractive and though he didn’t know her well, she seemed to possess a lot of qualities he appreciated. Perhaps if he wasn’t currently attached, if his heart wasn’t currently wrapped up, in love with someone who would never be there – then maybe he would have kissed her back like he’d wanted to.

He rubbed his palms over his eyes, not for the first time silently cursing his love for Kate. She’d broken his heart before and still he continued loving her. She disappeared and she wasn’t coming back anytime soon – when and _if_ she ever did come back, she’d go straight to prison, and he’d be back to visiting her as much as possible, saying he loved her, though she had yet to say it back. Even knowing she loved someone else hadn’t stopped him…

 _She was sitting on a log tying her shoe and avoiding his eyes as he squatted beside her._

 _“He didn’t mean it, you know.”_

 _Kate glanced up, confused. “What?”_

 _“Sawyer. When he said he didn’t want you to go with him, he didn’t mean it.”_

 _She shook her head slightly, unconvinced. “If he didn’t mean it, then why’d he say it?”_

 _“He was trying to protect you.”_

He loves you, _he thought._ He can’t stand the idea that something would happen to you on his account.

 _Out loud he added, “That’s why I asked you not to come back for me.” He dropped his gaze and stood, about to head away and continue the hike to the radio tower with the rest of the group._

 _“Hey,” she stood as well, stopping him. “Why’re you sticking up for Sawyer? He’d never do it for you.”_

 _He knew that was true but nearly said,_ Isn’t it obvious? _He turned away momentarily, and though he was well aware her heart lay with Sawyer, he thought it was probably time she knew what he had known for a very long time now._

 _“Because I love you.”_

 _It felt good to finally say it aloud, to make sure she knew for certain. And he didn’t expect her to say it back then, maybe not ever, because he recalled the moment when he’d seen her and Sawyer together in the cages. How wrapped up together they’d been, how much it had hurt to know she’d chosen Sawyer..._

Once they were rescued, it was different. Whatever had happened between her and Sawyer he didn’t know - maybe things simply cooled off, maybe they weren’t in love after all – but he didn’t care, because it meant she came back to him.

She needed a place to stay before she found an apartment of her own, so she stayed with him. Then she stopped looking for somewhere else to live because they were happy and he loved having her around. She’d come to him late one night, waking him up, laying down beside him.

“I want us,” she’d whispered. “I want to give us a try.”

Then she’d kissed him hard, hungrily and not unlike the desperate kiss they’d shared in the jungle so long ago. The clothes came off in a hurry and in the morning, he relished the feeling of his arms wrapped around her smooth form.

It only made it all the more cruel that she was arrested later that day. Apparently there had been legal issues, privacy issues and so on to overcome, which is why it took two months since the rescue for them to come knocking, but come they did. He’d visited her ever since with the dim hope of marrying her when it was all over.

Now, staring at a collection of news websites – still no headlines bearing her name – he couldn’t help but wonder how much more _over_ it would have to be before he could let go. She was gone, without a trace, and was never coming back. The sooner he properly accepted that, the better.

~

Addison was on her way to work the afternoon after the disastrous night at Joe’s, her hangover still going strong. She popped a pair of Advil with her coffee and turned her back to the sun, leaning against the ferry’s railing. She still felt embarrassed about the way she’d acted, particularly the way she’d tried to kiss Jack and then left in such a hurry. She greatly hoped he wasn’t working the same shift as her – or at all today – so she could avoid him as much as possible.

Her cell phone rang out with a jingling tune and she swiftly answered, forcing her voice to sound bright and fresh, though she didn’t feel so whatsoever.

“Addison! It’s Naomi. How are you feeling?”

“Um, fine, mostly, and yourself?” she asked, a touch confused by her friend’s choice of words.

“How’s the hangover?”

Addison could tell her friend was amused but became even more confused – how did Naomi know she had a hangover? She asked as much and her friend laughed.

“I take it you don’t remember the very long, drunk voicemail you left on my phone at 3:30 in the morning last night?”

Addison racked her brain but everything (except the freaking _kiss_ , of course) was sufficiently fuzzy. It was even fuzzier from the point when she’d arrived home to when she’d woken that morning with a pounding headache and a craving for a chocolate milkshake. 

“That would be no.” She covered her face with her hand. God, what had she said?

“Have a listen.” Naomi was enjoying this way too much, Addison could tell.

A moment later, she heard her own voice coming back through the phone. It was so slurred, however, some words were impossible to make out, and alternated in volume between incoherent mumbling and full-on yelling. The message began with her singing off-tune but stopping abruptly when she realized the message was being recorded.

 _“Ground control to Major – oh, it beeped at me. Naomi? Naomi, Naomi, Naooooomi! I think I dialled you – I dunno know who I dialled… sss-trying to call Nay. Hopefully this is you, ‘cause it’d be bad if sss-not!”_ It went on for a few minutes in a similar vein before drunk-Addison finally got to the point.

 _“I’m coming to LA, Nay. That’sss… sss-why I’m calling. Have to. Mmm-failure at everything, you know? Well, not everything, but… love life. No men. No good men. I’ve wrecked ‘em. Or about to. Tried to kiss this guy – doctor, guy! He’s new, and hot, aaaand in love with somebody else. And with all the other ex-boyfriendsss I’ve got here, sss-best I just leave, you know? I’m coming. Tomorrow, I’m waking up, and coming ssstraight there.”_

Naomi mercifully came back on, ending the voicemail there. “It goes like that for a while.”

Addison groaned. This was just the icing on the cake of embarrassment at this point. “I am _so_ sorry.”

“It’s fine, Addy – we all had a good laugh.”

“You _all_ listened to it?”

“It wasn’t on purpose! I told Sam about it, and then he told Pete, and _he_ told Cooper…”

Addison moaned again.

“I’m sorry, Addy! Once everybody knew, Sam figured everyone should get to hear it first-hand – I swear it wasn’t my idea.” Her friend said earnestly and then continued in a more amused tone, “Pete thought the bit about kissing the new doctor was the funniest part. Sam thought the part about _just needing to get naked_ was classic Addy at your drunkest.”

If she weren’t somewhere public, Addison decided she would have sunk down to the ground and covered her head.

She could remember leaving the voicemail now, and remembered shouting about _just needing some sex_ and _that would solve a lot, wouldn’t it?_ She tried _not_ to remember leaving an unfortunately similar message on Sam’s voicemail back in college, and shouting about it in a bar to Naomi during their residency.

“I can’t believe you let everyone listen to it.” She finally said.

“I swear I tried to keep it to myself – well, between Sam and me, at least. But Sam said it was too good to keep quiet.” Naomi laughed softly before asking, “But anyways, were you serious, or was this just drunk-off-her-ass-Addison spouting random thoughts going through her head?”

Addison wrinkled her nose. “Both. But I really have been thinking about it a lot since I visited you guys down there, and… well, I think it might be a really good idea for me right now. Get away from…” she sighed, her mind flipping between Derek, Meredith, Mark, Karev and now Jack. “Everyone. Start over a bit, you know?”

“I hear that. Your spot is still open, so you can come anytime. When were you thinking?”

Addison hesitated. She _had_ been leaning towards going to LA for a couple weeks now – had firmly decided it at one point, even – and had almost told the Chief she was officially quitting, more than once (though every time she decided to, she subsequently decided it wasn’t the right time and didn’t say anything at all). So why was it suddenly making her feel uneasy to actually say the words _I am coming_ and pick a day in the near future?

“I’d have to give a few weeks notice, and probably stay a bit to help cover until they can find someone new…”

“Oh Addison, you know that can sometimes take forever. Besides, you’re the best! They won’t be able to replace you very quickly.”

Addison smiled. “That is _very_ true.”

The pair shared a laugh, and by the time the ferry was docking, Addison had tentatively agreed to coming in four weeks. She promised to touch base with Naomi before then and bid her goodbye, adding that next time (though she swore there never _would_ be a next time) she’d appreciate it if _everyone_ at Oceanside didn’t end up being privy to drunk-Addison.

~

Because the universe was currently her worst enemy, it seemed, it only made sense that not only was Jack working the same shift as her, but that they were to be running the ER together as the other senior residents were occupied in various surgeries. Her first reaction was to run to the Chief or perhaps Callie – anyone – to be re-assigned. Then she decided that she had to be (somewhat) mature about the whole thing, and face Jack.

Which, of course, was much easier said than done.

Addison entered the ER, a handful of charts in hand, and spotted him immediately. Practically of their own accord, and without breaking stride, her feet swiftly turned her around and she headed out as if she’d forgotten something. Not before he glanced up and saw her, however, and he called after her, the doors of the ER swinging in her wake.

“Addison, wait,” he caught up and stopped her. “You don’t have to avoid me because of last night.”

“Avoiding? Who’s avoiding anything?” Except she couldn’t meet his eyes while she said it, pretending to be very involved in the charts in her arms.

He sighed with irritation and lowered his voice. “Look, it’s not that I’m not interested…” He trailed off as a group of interns walked past, led by Yang.

“Hurry up kiddies,” she was saying in a bored tone. “We’re in the ER - let’s hope for a catastrophe.”

Jack cleared his throat. “Can we talk about this somewhere other than the hallway in front of the ER?”

 _Fine, let’s get it over with._ She thought and crossed the hall to a supply closet. Jack followed a bit uncertainly.

“Supply closet?” he questioned, amused.

“Best place to have a private chat.” She answered with a small smile. _Or way more than ‘chatting’…_ She forced herself hastily away from that train of thought and faced Jack expectantly.

He cleared his throat again, suddenly unsure. “It’s not that I’m not interested,” he repeated.

“You’re just in love with someone else – you said that last night.” Addison put in. “No, I get it, I do. It’s fine Jack, really.” She started towards the door but he put his hand up.

“Please, just wait a second.”

She stepped back.

“It’s… complicated.” He said after a couple seconds.

 _It always is._ She thought dryly.

“I can’t… I can’t explain all of it. Any of it, in fact. Not yet, at least. I’ve been through… a lot this past year, and… I just want you to know, it’s not that I’m not interested.”

Ten minutes ago she would have gladly never seen him again. Yet now, while he was letting her down gently and unable to tell her why specifically, somehow she suddenly found herself wanting to get to know him even more. Not necessarily romantically, but she was curious about the darkness that had seemed to pass over his features a moment ago.

Then again, maybe she was reading into it (she had been known to do that – especially where men were concerned).

“I’m sorry if – I didn’t mean to embarrass you. And it’s absolutely cliché, but I really would like to be friends, if you’re alright with that.”

She studied him for a moment ( _could she really do ‘just friends’?_ ) then held out her hand. “Friends.”

Jack looked relieved and pleased as he smiled back and shook her outstretched hand.

“You know,” he said. “Maybe I should add Joe’s to the list of places I need to avoid because of that awkward, evil twin of yours.”

For a quick moment she had no idea what he was talking about, but then she remembered their conversation after their first surgery together and joined him when he started laughing. She felt immensely better about everything as they exited the supply closet and ignored the suspicious look she got from a passing nurse.

~


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: Big thanks to inkspire, who spit-balled and brainstormed with me way back when I was beating my head against a wall for this story, a particular plot point and much of this chapter. ;D

The next afternoon, Addison was working late and had time for a short nap before her next surgery. She went to an on-call room and tested the knob to see if it was open. It yielded and she was grateful to find an empty one so quickly. As soon as she crossed the threshold, however, she realized it wasn’t empty after all.

“Oh – “ she started, seeing Jack asleep on the bottom bunk. She quieted, and was about to back out, when she noticed he was clearly distressed.

Addison was unsure of how to proceed but also felt like she couldn’t just leave him. She closed the door behind her, and carefully approached him. He was mostly mumbling incoherently, but she was fairly certain she heard him say _“No”_ at one point.

“Jack?” she said quietly and gently touched his shoulder.

He jumped awake and nearly knocked Addison in the face. He was sweaty and panting as he looked up at her, slightly disoriented.

“Addison?” His eyes darted around the room briefly before landing back on her. He sat up, avoiding her gaze. “Sorry, I didn’t realize I’d missed a page.”

“No, it’s fine, there wasn’t a page,” she hastily explained. “I was just coming to grab a quick nap and you were… well, I just thought I should… Jack, are you ok?”

Jack rubbed his hand over his face. “It was just a bad dream.”

“I know. But are you… ok?”

He looked at her then, and she felt heat rise in her cheeks against her will under his unexpected intense gaze. He asked suddenly, “Do I look familiar to you?”

Addison though the question was odd, especially at this moment, and wasn’t entirely sure how to respond. Was he asking because she looked familiar to him?

“I don’t think so,” she answered after a moment. “Why do you ask?”

She didn’t know him well enough to discern his reaction, but he sort of nodded and seemed disappointed by her answer.

“You’re sure?”

She studied his features for a moment but couldn’t understand what Jack meant. Why would he look familiar to her?

“No.” She replied.

As if this wasn’t confusing enough, Jack stood abruptly and cleared his throat. He didn’t spare her a glance as he snatched up his pager and turned towards the door.

“I should get back to work.” He said briskly.

“Jack – “ She tried to stop him, wanting to know where the strange question had come from.

“Thanks for waking me. See you later.” He hurried out of the on-call room, letting the door close behind him.

Addison wondered what that had all been about. She didn’t have time to wonder long, however, as her pager went off just a moment later.

 _So much for that nap._ She thought with a shake of her head and rushed out of the room.

~

When Addison stopped in the break room for coffee, she found Callie knee-deep in paperwork.

“Don’t talk to me,” she said, holding up her hand as soon as Addison entered. “If you talk, I won’t be able to focus, and I _have_ to get this done. I’m having enough trouble focusing on it as is.”

Addison chuckled then said, “I won’t say a word. I’m just caffeine-ing up.”

She turned her back to Callie as she poured herself a not-terribly-fresh coffee and added an ample amount of cream to make up for it. She was still thinking about the incident in the on-call room with Jack a couple hours ago, and despite her promise only moments earlier that she would be quiet, Addison couldn’t help herself.

“Does Jack look familiar to you?”

“Addison…”

“One thing. Just one thing and then I’ll leave and you can get back to your focusing.”

Callie huffed a sigh that moved her bangs out of her eyes and said, “Fine. I need a break anyways.” Tossing down her pen, Callie rose from her chair and joined Addison.

“So, does Jack look familiar?” Addison asked again.

Callie shrugged and grabbed herself a cup of coffee as well. “Should he?”

“I don’t know. It’s just that I went to one of the on-call rooms earlier, and he was in there sleeping – well, he was having some sort of nightmare. So I woke him up, and then he asked me if I thought he looked familiar.” Addison explained. “When I said no, he left right away and now he’s pretending like it never happened. I mean, that’s weird, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I’d say so. Maybe he’s a child star and he was pissed you hadn’t see one of his movies.” Callie joked. “You should Google him.”

Addison laughed. “I’m not going to Google him.”

“Why not? I’ve done it to all my exes.”

“Really?”

Callie nodded and gulped down some coffee. She winced. “This is _terrible._ ”

“It’s better with cream,” said Addison. “ _A lot_ of cream.”

“I think I’ll pass after all.” Her friend made a face and dumped her half-full cup in the garbage. With a sigh, Callie headed back to the chair she’d previously vacated and grabbed her pen again.

Taking her cue to leave her friend to work, Addison bid her good luck and exited the break room.

~

Jack had no problem burying his nightmare while he was at work. However, once he’d arrived to the quiet emptiness of his apartment, he felt overwhelmed by images and memories. He made himself a stiff drink and began searching headlines for Kate’s name.

After discerning Kate was still free somewhere, Jack leaned back in his chair and rubbed his tired eyes.

This wasn’t the fresh start he’d imagined. He was in a new city, with mostly new possessions, a new job, new friends, everything. Except everything he was trying to forget seemed to be clinging to him like a layer of clothing he couldn’t remove. He was supposed to be moving forward, moving past everything that happened.

He felt as though every time he shut his eyes, something would pop up to torment him. Things that had happened, things that never had but could have, things his imagination invented. He couldn’t seem to shut it off and didn’t have a solution to make it stop. He supposed he would just have to hope that eventually it would all go away.

Jack made himself another drink, downed it fast and went to bed.

~

After Addison arrived home from her shift, she gratefully took a shower and then booted up her computer to check her email. When her homepage, Google, loaded, Addison remembered what Callie had said about Jack being a former child movie star. She snickered at the idea and thought she should Google Jack for pure amusement’s sake.

She began typing his name, felt silly and deleted it at once. It was stupid. There was no reason to Google him. Except then she thought of the way Jack had asked her if he looked familiar to her, and her curiosity was piqued again. Maybe she would just check the first page of results or something…

A second time she started typing his name into the search engine, but she only made it about halfway when she changed her mind again and deleted it.

Shaking her head, she instead opened her email and forced herself not to think about Google. It really was ridiculous. She didn’t need to Google him. They were friends now, and she would find out whatever she needed to know about him the old fashioned way.

~

A couple days later, Addison was crossing the catwalk when she found Mark and Derek leaning against the railing with deceptively innocent looks on their handsome faces.

“What’s up with you two?” she asked when she reached them. “You look like you’re trying hard to look casual.”

“What?” Mark shrugged. “We’re just… taking a break.”

“ _I’m_ taking a break,” said Derek. “Mark is spying on the new doctor that the Chief is interviewing.”

“And trying to read lips. I’ve never been able to do that.”

Addison glanced over her shoulder to the Chief’s office and could see a blonde woman sitting before him. “That’s Dr. Erica Hahn, isn’t it?”

Derek nodded.

“I hope she gets the job – she is _hot_.” Mark put in with a grin.

She rolled her eyes. “Keep it in your pants, Mark.”

“Oh, I think you should take your own advice, Addison.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“Please. I saw how cozy you were getting with Jack the other night at Joe’s.”

“It’s true,” added Derek. “I saw you kiss him.”

“Well, did you also see him reject me?”

Derek winced and hissed sympathetically, while Mark let out a bark of laughter.

“It’s not funny! It was humiliating. He’s – look, not that it is _any_ of your business, but he’s attached, so, we’re just friends now.”

“’Attached’? As in married? That hasn’t stopped you before.” Her ex-husband smirked.

“Ha, ha,” she said humorlessly, then added, “No, he’s not married. And I’m not discussing this with you two anymore. So you can get back to your ridiculously obvious spying. I have patients to check on.”

“You’re going to the on-call room with Jack, aren’t you?” Mark grinned suggestively.

“No! _God_ – he’s not even working today.”

“And you would know, wouldn’t you?”

She ignored the pair’s laughter as she rolled her eyes and walked away. She tried in vain not to think about the idea of her and Jack in an on-call room together.

~

Despite Jack’s teasing that he would have to avoid Joe’s because of her “evil twin”, Addison again found herself in his company at the familiar bar, two weeks after “the incident” (as she silently referred to it). This time, however, she was not openly hitting on him or so drunk she couldn’t think straight. She felt she was doing quite well, in fact, keeping her drinking to a minimum. Besides, though others had no qualms playing darts while drinking heavily, she preferred not to for fear of impaling someone.

“You’re up, Shephard,” she said. “Let’s see your best shot.”

Jack took a quick swig of his beer and rolled his shoulders. “I’ll have you know I came in second place to a record high score at a bar beside the college I went to.”

“And what college would that be?” Addison asked.

“Columbia.”

“Hey!” Mark, seated with Callie nearby, raised his glass. “That makes two of us.”

Jack took his shot. His dart hit just a shave off the bull’s-eye and he grinned as he threw his second dart, which stuck in the next ring outside the bull’s-eye. Mark whistled, impressed, and Jack tossed his third dart, hitting inside the bull’s-eye ring.

“How’s that?” he smirked and gathered his darts.

“Not bad, not bad.” Addison nodded approvingly before lining up to take her shots. “But now it’s my turn, and you’re going to see how this is done.”

Jack crossed his arms over his chest. “Think you can beat my score?”

She looked over her shoulder at him, head tilted down slightly. “Oh, I _know_ I can.”

Mark and Callie _ooed_ and Jack’s grin widened. “Since you’re so confident, _Montgomery_ , why don’t we make this a little more interesting?”

“What do you propose?”

“You buy the next round if you can’t beat my score.”

“And when I do?” She raised her eyebrow, a smile growing on her lips.

“ _If_ you can, then _I’ll_ buy.”

She pretended to think about it for a moment before shaking his hand. “Deal.”

He stepped back and gestured for her to take her turn.

Addison threw her first dart which was a little too far away from the bull’s-eye for her taste. Jack hissed disapprovingly beside her and Mark laughed.

“Bad start,” Jack shook his head.

She ignored him and threw her second dart, which hit dead center. Callie whooped and high-fived Mark and Jack chuckled.

“Still one more to go – you have to hit center again or – “

Her third dart stuck directly beside her second, tight inside the center of the bull’s-eye. She turned to face him, trying not to look too smug.

“Didn’t you say you were second or something at Columbia?” She eyed him. “Well, I used to be _first_ when I was there.” She smirked and scooped up her darts. “So I believe the next round is on you.”

Mark and Callie clinked glasses.

“Thanks Jack!” said Callie.

Jack laughed. “One of you might have mentioned she was a champion dart player _before_ I made the wager.”

“And what fun would that be?” Addison smiled.

As Jack left to get the new round of drinks, Callie and Mark exchanged amused and knowing glances before turning to Addison. She saw immediately what they were thinking and shook her head.

“Don’t – we’re friends.”

“We didn’t say anything,” Callie said and the pair of them smiled wide. Addison rolled her eyes and left to help Jack with the drinks.

“ _Just friends,_ my ass,” Mark mumbled. “She repeats that like a broken record. Shall we place bets on how long that lasts?”

“Absolutely.” Callie agreed.

The pair broke off their wagering as Jack and Addison approached.

“What were you two talking about that was so interesting?” She questioned.

“Nothing in particular.” Callie shrugged and accepted her fresh drink from Jack, thanking him.

“Just that I’d like to see Addison hand Jack his ass again.” Mark joked.

“And I’d like to see _you_ try to play darts sober, but we don’t all get what we want.” Addison teased.

Mark pretended to be offended and immediately challenged Jack and Addison to a dart duel while Callie sat back, highly entertained.

After several more rounds of drinks and darts, they finally parted ways shortly after midnight. Jack and Addison were easily the most sober of the group, but Jack offered to drive them all home so they wouldn’t have to pay for a cab.

“Thanks for driving tonight,” said Addison when they arrived outside her apartment building.

“No problem at all.” Jack smiled.

As Addison grabbed her purse from beside her feet, she noticed a small picture laying on the floormat. She scooped it up; it was of Jack and a pretty brunette woman with hazel eyes. It was close up and the background blurry, but they were indoors somewhere and judging by the way they were hugging in the picture, it was clear they were a couple. She wanted to ask if this was the “complicated” “someone” he’d mentioned, but then he cleared his throat uncomfortably and she handed him the picture.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to… you know, stare.”

“It’s fine. Must’ve fallen.” He looked suddenly closed off and distant which was a sharp contrast to the hours of fun they’d just had together.

“Is that…?” She couldn’t help asking, though it was obvious he didn’t want to talk about it.

“Yeah.” He said after a long moment. His brow furrowed briefly as he stuffed the picture into his pocket, not meeting her inquiring gaze.

She was dying to ask more but already felt she may have over stepped with him, so she smartly bid him goodnight, thanked him again for the ride and climbed out. As he drove away, her curiosity about him seemed to increase tenfold.

 _Damn it, Addison,_ she thought. _What is your fascination with broken men?_

With a heavy sigh, she headed inside.

~


	8. Chapter 8

“Well, I got a call from Dr. Hahn at Seattle Pres,” said the Chief, a wide grin on his face.

“Yes, Mark and Derek told me about the interview.”

“They weren’t being very subtle, were they?”

Addison chuckled. “I don’t think they know the meaning of the word. So, what did she say?”

“She’s excited to come work for us. She’s extremely qualified, and it’s easy to see why the only person she came in second to was Burke. She’ll make a great Head of Cardio.”

“That’s great, Richard,” she looked up and smiled warmly at him. “Is it just Lacey’s job that needs filling now?”

“It is.” Chief beamed. “I can’t believe how lucky we’ve been to find replacements so fast.”

Here was her opening – it couldn’t be better. All she had to do was say he’d need to find one more replacement, that here was her two weeks notice, and it’s been wonderful but it was time to move on…

But somehow the words seemed to catch in her throat and she couldn’t make herself say them. Then she missed her chance altogether.

“Oh, excuse me, Addy. There’s Dr. Bailey – I need to have a word with her. She’s still mad at me because I didn’t choose her for Chief Resident. Miranda! Wait!” He hurried after her and Addison found herself frozen and silently cursing herself.

She told Naomi she was coming. She _had_ to tell the Chief she was leaving. She promised herself that she would… later, as soon as she was done her charts. And rounds. Ok, first thing tomorrow…

~

Addison was nearly done her shift in the early evening and was getting ready to head home when the door to the senior residents’ locker room flew open with a bang.

“Go _home_ , Torres!” Bailey barked. “And get yourself together, because I don’t have the patience to deal with _nothing_ from you again tomorrow.”

Callie was visibly shaking as Bailey shut the door behind her.

“Callie! What happened?” Addison stared. She hadn’t seen much of her friend lately, and hadn’t had the chance to hang out with her since they’d played darts at Joe’s several nights ago.

“It wasn’t that bad – it’s not a big deal.”

“Miranda just came storming in here and told you to go home over no big deal?”

“I just nearly beat up a patient’s husband, that’s all.” Callie shrugged and wouldn’t meet her friend’s eyes as she opened her locker with more force than was necessary.

“You _what?_ Okay, _what_ is going on? I keep asking and you keeping saying things like _not now_ or _later_ or _some other time_ and I keep backing off because I’m your friend and I’m trying to listen to you, but if you don’t explain – “

“He cheated on me.” Her voice was so small Addison nearly missed it.

She came closer, heart sinking, hoping she hadn’t heard right. “What?”

“He cheated on me.” Callie repeated, her back to her friend. Then her shoulders started to shake and she sunk down onto the bench.

Addison rushed forward at once, seating herself beside her and wrapping her arms around Callie’s shoulders. When her friend’s tears finally slowed, Addison asked quietly,

“How do you know?”

“He told me,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “We fought and he left. He came home the next day after work, and then a few days later… he told me. He… slept with Izzie Stevens.”

Addison closed her eyes briefly. She didn’t know O’Malley that well, but he had never seemed like the cheating type. She’d always wondered if something was going on between O’Malley and Stevens too, based on the way they always interacted, but everyone said they were best friends, so she didn’t bother to think much of it.

With a sickening feeling rolling around in her stomach, she remembered a brief conversation she’d had with Izzie several weeks previous. The blonde had quietly admitted to having “sex with the wrong person” and Addison had been thrown off guard by the confession. She wasn’t sure she would call herself friends with Stevens either, really, and in any event they certainly were not close enough to be swapping stories about their sex lives.

 _“The thing is, it didn’t_ feel _wrong at the time. It felt like… like something was falling into place.”_

She should have somehow realized then what Izzie had meant.

“I’m so sorry, Callie,” she finally said. “What are you going to do?”

Callie wiped her eyes. “I don’t know. I… said I forgave him, but… I didn’t. I can’t. I always hated the way he always chose her, and I was constantly convincing myself it was just because they were best friends. I didn’t… I never believed if anything happened, he would follow through. He’s George. He’s… he’s my husband.”

A fresh wave of tears made their way down her olive-toned cheeks and Addison felt her heart breaking for her friend. She remembered with a twist of her gut the day _she_ was in George’s position, the one who was married and cheating. She thought of the look on Derek’s face, the way she stood in the rain pounding on the door, and the way he simply disappeared. She recalled the divorce papers he finally signed earlier in the year and how bad it felt some days to see him so in love with Meredith.

Was the same thing going to happen to Callie and George, only George would be the one stepping out and in love with Izzie? Or was it a one-time thing they would have to now deal with?

“I can’t even look at him,” Callie continued softly, her voice pained. “I can’t stop thinking about how stupid I was. I… I don’t think this is something we can get past. And… the worst part is, I’m not even sure I _want_ to anymore.”

Addison didn’t know what to say, so she simply stayed with her friend, holding her until Callie was ready to go home and figure things out.

~

Jack was very much looking forward to having lunch with Hurley. Not only did it mean seeing a familiar face from LA, but it was a familiar face from the island too, which somehow was a strong comfort.

When Jack entered the bright café, he spotted his friend immediately at a table by the window, not because of his size but because he was already waving. Hurley’s face broke into a wide smile as Jack approached and stood to embrace him once he’d reached the table.

“It’s been a while.” Jack slapped Hurley’s back and took his seat.

“Glad you could make it, dude.”

Jack chuckled. He’d forgotten how much he’d missed hearing Hurley’s _dude_ all the time. “I’m glad you had a conference in Seattle this weekend.”

The pair made the usual small talk about lives and jobs, and gave their order to the waiter. Hurley seemed to know everything about what everyone was doing while Jack was content to sit back and listen.

“Frank’s flying planes again. He took a couple months off but he just flew to Guam last week. Claire is living with her mom still, but she got a job at a jewelry store like 10 minutes away. Oh, and Sawyer didn’t tell me, but Juliet mentioned she and him went out the other day – like _out_ out.”

Jack leaned forward, a bit surprised. “Sawyer and Juliet are dating?”

Hurley nodded and sipped his water. “Back a couple months ago, at Sayid and Nadia’s wedding? I guess there was a spark or whatever, and they’ve been hanging out a lot.”

Jack didn’t know how to respond. He knew Sawyer had fallen in love with Kate on the island, same as him, and he knew things with Kate had somehow fallen apart between them after they were rescued. Jack also was very aware of the connection he personally had with Juliet, and though he’d never fallen in love with her, he had wanted to, just so he could get over Kate. He’d liked Juliet, respected her and felt connected to her. She was so different from Kate and, he felt, seemingly incompatible with someone like Sawyer.

“I know, dude, weird.” Hurley shook his head and continued. “Oh, and Sun told me they went in for another check-up – she and Jin are really excited about the baby. She said she’s glad it will be over soon.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“And speaking of pregnant, I guess Penny is pregnant too.”

Jack smiled at the news. He’d only met Penny briefly when they were rescued on the freighter, but she was the girl Desmond had talked so much about. He almost felt as though he knew her in a way, and it had made him feel so warm to see Desmond finally reunite with her.

“They, uh, Desmond said if it’s a boy, they’re going to name him… Charlie.” Hurley grew quiet and dropped his gaze to his water so Jack wouldn’t see his eyes begin to swim with tears.

He felt a sharp stab of sadness himself. Charlie Pace: the one who had rescued them all by swimming to that underwater station and flipping a switch so they could get a signal from Naomi’s phone. Memories flashed past him: Charlie getting him out of the cave-in, giving Charlie the remaining aspirin so he could cope with the heroin withdrawals, surviving being hung by his neck at the hands of Ethan, his friendship with Claire...

The day they returned from the radio tower and Desmond told them Charlie was gone, that he’d drowned to make sure Desmond got out safe, that everyone could be rescued.

His own eyes pricked with emotion. _He saved us all._ Jack thought.

“I… I had headstones made,” Hurley finally said. “There’s a cemetery like a dozen blocks from my house. I had headstones made for… for everyone.”

Jack nodded, unable to think of what to say next.

The silence stretched.

“Do you… “ Hurley raised his head, meeting Jack’s gaze. His eyes looked sad and haunted instead of their usual bright and cheerful glint. “Do you still have nightmares too?”

Jack regarded his friend. “All the time.”

Their food came about then, and as they ate, the conversation returned to more every day or mundane topics. Despite those few uncomfortable moments, by the end of lunch, Jack’s spirits felt lifted. Hurley tended to have that effect, no matter what was going on. He was often endlessly optimistic, more so since they were rescued, as he believed he’d broken the “curse” he’d felt had hung over him since winning the lottery a few years earlier.

As they were finishing up and paying the bill, Hurley hastily dug in his pocket for a crunched up sticky note.

“Dude, I almost forgot.” He flattened out the little yellow paper and passed it to Jack.

“What’s this?”

Hurley leaned forward and dropped his voice to a near whisper. “She came to my house – looking for you.”

Jack’s heart sped up. “When?” He didn’t need to ask who _she_ was.

“About a week ago.” His friend glanced around as if afraid someone might be eavesdropping and lowered his voice even more. “I told her you’d gone to Seattle. She wrote that down and told me to give it to you in person as soon as I could. Dude, she looked _rough_.”

Jack swallowed and stared at the paper. It was hasty, scribbled writing but he recognized it nonetheless.

“She didn’t say much else – just that she was pretty sure the police would be watching you so she couldn’t see you herself.” He leaned back in his seat. “And you’re supposed to use a pay phone.”

The doctor nodded and pocketed the paper, his mind reeling.

“Sorry to spring that on you, dude, but there wasn’t exactly a _good_ way to…”

“No, it’s fine. Thanks, Hurley.”

Moments later, they parted, and Hurley promised to keep Jack in the loop about everyone else via email. He commented that his parents had not-so-subtly hinted that they were going to throw him a big “surprise” birthday party next  month and Jack was likely invited. Jack laughed, promised to watch for the invite, and bid his friend goodbye.

As he was heading to his car, he suddenly found himself feeling quite paranoid about Kate’s message. The police were still watching him? If they were, how would he know? He glanced up and down the street as if they would be right there, but of course, it was a busy downtown street and he no idea if he was being watched or not. He decided, just to be safe, that he would wait until it was dark and then head to a pay phone far away from his apartment to make the call.

~

Jack didn’t know if he was being overly cautious or just cautious enough, but he decided it couldn’t hurt to be rather safe than sorry. So he drove across town, doubled back and stopped outside a late-night diner near the outskirts of Seattle. Once at the payphone, he retrieved the paper Hurley had given him earlier that day from his breast pocket and smoothed it out. It had an unfamiliar area code followed by the rest of the phone number:

 _555 – (the first and last numbers of the hatch code)_

It was a good code, as the only ones who would know it were those who he and Kate had been rescued with. He took a deep breath, put money in the phone and started dialling, finishing the phone number with _4842_. As it began ringing on the other end, his heart hammered loud in his chest in anticipation of hearing her voice, of hearing what she had to say.

After what seemed like an agonizing amount of time, she picked up.

“Jack?”

He exhaled, leaning against the booth’s wall. He could hardly believe he was finally hearing her voice again after what felt like an incredibly long time. There were so many things he wanted to say, wanted to ask.

“Are you ok?” He managed after a couple seconds of dead air.

He heard her exhale in relief too. “You got my message from Hurley.”

“Just today. He came to Seattle for a management conference for his, uh, that box company he owns. We had lunch.”

“How is he? I didn’t get the chance to really talk to him when I…” she trailed off.

“He’s good. Better – a lot better. He still misses… he still misses them.”

“We all do.”

He shut his eyes. “Kate – “

“I just had to hear your voice,” she interrupted. “I needed to… It’s just that this has been a lot harder than I remember.”

“What, running from the law?” He hadn’t meant his voice to sound so cold and he softened immediately. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine.” Kate paused. “Jack, I don’t have much time.”

He rubbed his free hand over his forehead. “I know. Where are you?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“I know that too. I just…” He hesitated, having trouble choosing what to say. Their time was so limited and he only had a few minutes left.

“So… Seattle, huh?”

He smiled a little though she couldn’t see it. “Yeah.”

“Why Seattle?”

“Because it’s not LA.” Silence stretched for a small moment before he added, “I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” she sniffed.

“I actually… I check, every day, to see if you’re – if you’ve been… you know.”

“Not yet,” she chuckled, though it was the saddest, quietest laugh he’d ever heard.

“I wish you could come home.”

“Me too.”

“I want to see you.”

She sighed. “You know we can’t. They’re probably watching you. It’s bad enough we’re doing this.”

“I wasn’t followed – “

“You don’t know that.”

“Kate, I’m not living in LA anymore, it’s been more than a month since – “

“They’re not going to back off just because it’s been a month, Jack. They’ll probably never back off.”

He shook his head, frustration rising. He didn’t want to waste their time fighting.

“You didn’t answer my question,” he said a moment later. “Are you ok?”

Another bitter, sad little laugh. “Define ok.”

He heard a loud dinging in the background like a timer but before he could ask what that was, Kate’s voice was rushed.

“I have to go, Jack.”

“Kate, wait – “

“I’ll get another message to you next time I can, but don’t try this number again, it won’t work.”

“Kate – “

“I love you.”

“ _Kate!_ ”

The line went dead and he reluctantly hung up. He didn’t know how he had expected to feel after speaking to her – reassured? Glad? Relieved? – but all he felt was empty somehow. Because this was it: short, secret phone calls from pay phones or cryptic messages delivered by friends. He wasn’t going to see her again anytime soon, if ever, and this was going to be all that could be, as long as he loved her, as long as he held on.

He exited the phone booth and hurried to his car, slamming the door shut. He picked up a six-pack of beer and a few bottles of various hard liquors on his way home. He figured if he could numb himself sufficiently with alcohol, then he could sleep soundly.

~


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: Thanks to both The Office and inkspire for inspiring a little something in this chapter. ;)

The following day as he got himself ready for work (downing orange juice, Gatorade and Advil to combat the hangover that was fast developing), he couldn’t help but notice the dark colored sedan parked a few doors down. It looked like there were two people seated inside, and he remembered Kate’s words from the night before:

 _“They’re probably watching you. It’s bad enough we’re doing this.”_

After a few short moments of watching the vehicle sitting there, a tall woman came out of one of the nearby houses and climbed in. The car drove away a few seconds later and Jack felt very foolish for being so paranoid. Still, he couldn’t help but feel a little fearful after his conversation with Kate, so he took special note of the various cars parked around and nearby his building before heading to the hospital.

~

“Wow, you must have had fun on your day off,” Addison commented when Jack entered the elevator with her. “Rough night?”

 _You have no idea,_ he thought, then chuckled before saying aloud, “What gave me away? The deep dark circles under my eyes or the fact that I didn’t shave this morning?”

“I was going to go with the slow, zombie-like walk that suggests a major hangover.” She smiled. “I know that walk well.”

As Jack regarded her and her pretty smile, he had the urge to tell her the truth. For a fleeting moment, he considering telling her why he’d drank himself to sleep last night. But to explain that he’d driven across town to make a brief phone call to a fugitive, which resulted in the drinking once he was back home, meant explaining a great deal of other things he was still trying hard to forget.

So instead he shoved away the impulse, laughed a little and shrugged sheepishly. “I met up with a friend for lunch.” It wasn’t a lie, but it had very little to do with the reason behind his drinking – but she didn’t need to know that.

“And lunch went long, clearly. What’s her name?”

“ _His_ name is Hurley, actually. He lives in LA but he was up here for a conference.”

“Gee, Jack, when you said you were in love with someone else, I had assumed it was girl,” Addison teased. “You never struck me as the type to swing the other way.”

The pair laughed together and Jack felt his spirits lifting. He had noticed that often lately, in fact. The moments he shared with Addison between shifts, at Joe’s, the cafeteria and so on almost never failed to cheer him and easily pull his mind away from the complications – or more properly, he supposed, the _baggage_ – in his life.

A group of interns joined them in the elevator, talking in rushed voices.

“Leo just told me!” a young red-head gushed. “Dr. Torres and O’Malley are on the outs because he totally slept with Dr. Stevens! He said they’re probably gonna get a divorce.”

A dark-skinned girl shook her head. “It can’t be true – Leo heard wrong. I mean seriously, it’s _O’Malley_. He’s like the nicest person I know. No way he cheated on his wife.”

“Plus, it’s _Torres_.” The tallest intern, a guy with curly hair, shook his head. “She is _smokin’_. I still can’t believe they’re even married in the first place.”

“Yeah, but it’s _Stevens_.” Another guy countered. “She’s annoying as hell, but damn hot.”

Jack stopped listening to the interns as he wasn’t the type who was interested in gossip. He had noticed quite quickly after he started working at Seattle Grace, however, that it had a _very_ active grapevine. Any bit of news, gossip or rumour spread like wildfire and it continually amazed and worried him. The thought of what would happen if anyone found out about what had happened to him, or about Oceanic 815 and Kate, made him shudder involuntarily. He knew the whole hospital would know everything in minutes and he deeply dreaded the day that might happen.

He glanced at Addison briefly and immediately noted the troubled look on her face. He knew she was good friends with Callie Torres, and wondered if the interns’ gossip was true. The interns exited the elevator with Jack and Addison, turning the corner up ahead and still talking rapidly. As Jack and Addison passed a pair of nurses, also discussing the hot topic of the day, the worry etched across her features deepened.

“You ok?” he asked quietly as they approached the senior resident’s locker room.

She sighed and ran her hand through her long red hair. “I have no idea how the whole hospital knows about it already. She just told me a couple days ago, in private.”

Jack held the door to the locker room open for her. He wasn’t sure what to say, but murmured, “I’m sorry. I know you two are close.”

Addison sighed a second time, opening her locker and tossing her things in. “Yes, well, one of the curses of Seattle Grace I’m afraid. No secret is safe for long. Somebody _always_ finds out and then five minutes later, the whole hospital knows.” She smiled a sad, tight smile – the kind that spoke of first-hand experience – and turned her back on him to get ready.

He swallowed uncomfortably, his eyes lingering on her a moment too long, before going to the sinks to wash his face and ready himself for his shift.

~

“Good Morning, Mrs. Preston, how’re you feeling?”

“Sore,” the brunette winced.

Her husband, seated in a chair beside the bed, had a wild mop of dark curly hair streaked liberally with grey. He smiled and gave his wife’s hand a squeeze.

Mrs. Preston added, “But it could be worse, I’m sure. How’s our baby boy?”

“He’s doing pretty well for his condition,” Addison answered. “Though we do have some serious concerns.” She looked to Izzie Stevens, the junior resident assigned to her for the day.

“Your son was born at 32 weeks, which means he’s about 5 weeks premature.” Izzie presented. “His lungs are weak, and normally we would wait to operate until he was stronger. However, in order to ensure no further damage occurs with the defect on his spinal cord and that his chances of paralysis later in life are minimized, Dr. Shephard will be performing a routine repair surgery this afternoon. Dr. Montgomery will be in the operating room as well to monitor your son’s vitals and assist Dr. Shephard.”

Mr. and Mrs. Preston exchanged worried glances.

“There are risks to any surgery,” Jack warned. “And I’m sure this all sounds pretty scary, but I assure you it’s fairly routine. I’m also the best at what I do, so you know your son is in good hands.”

“And that’s all well and good, Dr. Shephard,” said Mr. Preston. “But we’ve been trying to have children for eight years. We had tried literally everything, and had basically given up hope before Tamara finally got pregnant. It feels like a miracle and if we lose our son…”

“Let’s just say we know lightning doesn’t strike twice.” Mrs. Preston smiled, but it was a sad, strained smile. “That being said, we want our son to have the best life possible, so we’ve decided to go through with the surgery, as you recommended yesterday.”

“We will do everything we can,” Addison assured the couple with her best everything-is-going-to-be-alright smile.

They went over some finer details with the Prestons before sending Izzie and her interns off to run labs. Addison instructed a nurse to bring the baby up so the Prestons could be with him for a few hours before the surgery. Then she and Jack gathered up charts from the nurses’ station on the surgical floor and headed off to check on other patients.

~

“Ok Jack,” Addison said as she and Jack seated themselves at a table by the window in the cafeteria. “I have told you several embarrassing stories about my residency, it’s time I hear one of yours.”

“Alright,” He took a bite of his lunch and chewed thoughtfully for a moment. “Alright, I got one.”

She nodded expectantly and began eating her own lunch.

“It was back when I was an intern…”

He then proceeded to tell Addison about a night during his internship when himself and several other interns went out for drinks. They drank extensively, ordered round upon round of shots, and then proceeded out into the night where typical drunken hijinks ensued.

“Truthfully, I don’t remember a lot from that night,” Jack said and chuckled sheepishly. “Just that it was probably the most drunk I have _ever_ been. There was one point where I remember I was laying on the sidewalk laughing, while my buddy Garrett was streaking down the street. I have no idea how we weren’t arrested.”

“I’m still waiting for the embarrassing part,” Addison said. “I think everyone has a streaking story from their internship.”

“Oh really? And what’s yours?”

“No way – finish your story first.”

“Well,” Jack leaned back in his chair. “Our intern test was the next day.”

“Oh no.” She covered her mouth in anticipation, smiling.

“As you can imagine, we were… _extremely_ hungover.”

“Oh God, you totally fell asleep, didn’t you?”

“Worse.” Jack winced.

“ _Worse?_ ” She said incredulously.

“I may have thrown up. In the middle of the test.”

Addison _ooed_ and began laughing.

“All over my test, and myself, and the desk… it was not pretty.” He shook his head and joined in her laughter.

“Oh, I’m sorry, it’s not funny, but…”

“No, you’re right, that part wasn’t funny. But then my buddy Garrett started throwing up too because _I_ was throwing up.”

Addison was holding her stomach by this point at the mental image. The story became even funnier to her when Jack continued, saying that four more people became sick as a result of the sights, smells, and sounds coming from Jack and his friend. The test was then cancelled and rescheduled as a result.

She was trying to catch her breath from laughing so hard when Derek approached the table.

“What?” he asked. “What’d I miss?”

“Oh, I was just telling Addison a story about when I was a young, stupid intern,” said Jack with another chuckle. He scooped up his garbage onto his tray and stood. “I gotta go. I’ll see you in surgery, Addison. Later, Derek.”

Once Jack was out of earshot, Derek raised an eyebrow at his ex-wife. “What was that all about?”

“It wasn’t really _that_ funny, to be honest. Jack was just telling me this story about when he was an intern - it was him and a couple of his buddies, and they were so drunk the night before the intern test, that they…” She started giggling again but recovered quickly. “Ok, it’s really not funny, because they threw up during their test.”

“Mm, sounds hilarious.” Derek said, then swallowed a mouthful of his late lunch before adding, “But I was actually referring to the fact that the whole time I was getting food, you two looked awfully happy and cozy over here. I thought you said nothing was going on?”

“There isn’t,” Addison shrugged. “It’d be nice if there _was_ something, but sadly we are truly just friends.”

He leaned back in his chair, chewing and regarding her skeptically.

“C’mon Derek, I would tell you if we were together.”

“I’m just saying that the past few weeks, I see you two together a lot. It implies you’re more than friends.”

“We’re not, for the thousandth time. Let’s drop it.”

Derek seemed quite amused but obeyed and changed the subject – slightly. “So what surgery are you scrubbing in on with Dr. Jack?”

“I had a preemie born yesterday with a spinal defect. We’re scrubbing in together in a couple hours.” Feeling like she needed to force the conversation in a new direction, she asked innocently, “Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you: how’s it going with Meredith these days?”

Instantly the amusement was wiped from Derek’s handsome features. Addison knew full well that they’d recently broken up – again. She was also aware they (or more correctly, Meredith) had called it quits after Burke and Cristina’s wedding-that-wasn’t, though they had since gotten back together and broken up once more.

“Couldn’t be better.” Derek mumbled darkly, stabbing at his salad forcefully.

“Still on the outs then, I take it?”

“I told her I couldn’t wait forever,” he said. “And I don’t intend to.”

It was Addison’s turn to be a bit amused. Derek and Meredith were constantly pushing and pulling, but they always returned to each other. She suspected this time would be no different, and in a few weeks, they’d be back together once again. At the same time, she did feel bad for Derek, as she knew he deserved more than someone he was perpetually chasing after and backing off from.

“She’ll come around,” she said encouragingly.

“Ya, well, I might not be there when she finally does.”

After a few moments of quiet, Addison again forced a change of subject, and they chatted idly about their day so far, as well as the news about George, Callie and Izzie. Shortly, however, it was time for Addison to do rounds before heading to surgery with Jack (she resolutely ignored the miniature internal flutter when she thought of them in close quarters for several hours).

~


	10. Chapter 10

As Addison dialed Sam’s phone number, she was well aware she was being a coward. She knew she should be calling Naomi to talk to her about postponing, but she also knew if she called Naomi, it wouldn’t be a quick conversation. Her friend would need details, would need to know _why_ and Addison didn’t think she could articulate the why just yet – even to herself, let alone to Naomi.

So she was calling Sam’s phone, while he was likely at work, and leaving a voicemail.

 _“Hey, this is Sam Bennett. Sorry I didn’t catch your call, but if you leave a message, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”_

Addison took a breath, and after the tone, she left her message.

“Hey Sam, it’s Addison. I just wanted to let you guys know… that I need to slightly postpone. Sorry to do this, but things have just gotten sort of… crazy here, and uh, I haven’t had the chance to… quit. So anyways, I’d say it’ll probably be another… three weeks from now. So. Anyways, talk to you soon. Bye!”

She tossed her phone back into her purse and replaced it in her locker. She was supposed to have been leaving for LA this week according to her conversation with Naomi, but was putting it off yet again. She pretended she wasn’t doing it because of Jack and her blooming friendship with him. At the same time, she couldn’t help but notice that she always found it very easy to come up with a reason to stay longer in Seattle, yet struggled to stick to her original reasons for wanting to leave in the first place.

This gave her momentary pause – should she be moving to LA after all? – but she gave her head a shake. No, it was time for a change. And besides, like the broken record she felt like, she reminded herself that she and Jack were only _just friends_.

~

It turned out to be one of those surgeries where everything was going fine until it wasn’t. The baby’s heart rate started dropping too quickly and Jack swore under his breath when he realised the preemie was hemorrhaging. He tried feverishly to save the baby’s life.

It was mere minutes until the beeping monitor changed to one flat tone. Jack stepped back slowly, realizing grimly that he had lost the baby.

“Time of death… 7:48.”

He yanked off his gloves and sped out of the OR.

~

“Jack.”

He ignored Addison and slammed the sink switch much harder than necessary.

 _“Jack._ ” She tried again.

He kept his gaze trained on his hands as he viciously scrubbed them.

“There was nothing more you could have done.”

“Of course there was something I could have done,” he snapped, his voice low and furious. “I’m a _surgeon_. That’s my damn job – to _do something_.”

“He was weak, Jack, we all knew that. The parents – we all knew there was a chance – “

“A _chance_. It was routine – there was a bigger chance I’d save him, and I _should’ve_.” He dried off his hands and continued, “I should have saved him. I should have fixed him.”

“You can’t fix every single one. Sometimes things happen –“

She was startled when he lashed out and abruptly slammed his fist into the wall beside the paper towel dispenser.

“ _Dammit!”_

“Jack,” she said quietly a couple moments later, as he gently flexed his smarting fingers. “I’m sure this isn’t the first patient you’ve lost before.”

He swallowed, finally meeting her blue eyes. “He was their miracle. And I just… I just destroyed that. I ended their chance for happiness. I couldn’t… I couldn’t fix it.”

She reached out to touch his shoulder, trying to give him some kind of comfort. They all lost patients from time to time, and of course it was never easy. This was the first time she’d seen Jack lose one, however, and she wasn’t sure why he was taking it quite so hard. All surgeons had a deep-seated need to _fix_ things, she knew, and that was why they became surgeons in the first place. Somehow, though, it seemed that need went even deeper with Jack.

He pulled away when her hand made contact with his arm. “I’m going for a run.”

“Jack, wait – “

He exited the scrub room without looking back.

~

It was dusk when he went outside and headed down the block. He’d changed out of his scrubs and into sweatpants and a tee-shirt, then let another senior resident know that he was going for a run.

Jack began jogging and he hadn’t gone too many blocks when he found a park. It was sparsely populated with a handful of other people out jogging or walking their dogs. He increased his speed.

 _“You’ll always need something to fix.”_

The words Sarah, his ex-wife, had said to him the day she left came back at him as he thought about the baby he’d lost on the table earlier. He resented what she’d said to him that day, but it was true. He took the loss of a patient harder than most because it meant he’d _failed_. He couldn’t save them, couldn’t fix the problem, and he brought pain to the loved ones of those he lost.

Jack remembered Boone, then, lying on the makeshift table in the caves.

 _“Let me go, Jack…”_

And having to tell Shannon the next morning what had happened while she was spending the night down the beach with Sayid.

 _“Shannon, I’m so sorry. There was an accident…”_

As if he could outrun the memories, Jack pushed harder. He didn’t want his mind to go there, didn’t want to think about the island and everything that went with it – just _couldn’t_. It didn’t matter that several months had passed since he was rescued and brought back to the real world. It still felt as fresh as if it had just happened yesterday and he still felt weighed down by it all, struggling to breathe.

 _“You don’t want to be a hero. You don’t want to try and save everyone. Because when you fail… you just don’t have what it takes.”_

He thought of his father’s words to him, long ago now, telling him that he couldn’t handle failure, that he had an inability to let go. Like Sarah’s words about his desperate need to fix everything, he resented what his father had said to him too.

Jack slowed his pace a bit as he neared the edge of the park and turned around to head back the way he had come. As he did, his thoughts turned to the brief therapy sessions he’d been required to attend at the express request of Oceanic for a few weeks following the rescue.

He’d been irritated by the process at first (how could it possibly help anything?) but had reluctantly obliged by the third session. He’d only planned to fulfill the required five sessions anyways, so it didn’t hurt to minimally cooperate (he didn’t need therapy anyways, he always dealt with things on his own).

The therapist had told him repeatedly that talking would make things better and help him get past it. She told him at the end of the fourth session that he was deliberately holding back and that wasn’t helping anything. He’d simply shrugged.

By the end of the fifth session, she recommended that he come back for more. He’d replied that he wasn’t required to, and thanks very much for trying to help, but he didn’t need help. He’d ignored the skeptical and concerned look on her face as he’d left her office for the last time.

It had taken him this long to finally realize that maybe she wasn’t completely off about things after all. He felt like he was bursting, constantly trying to shove things away. Work was an excellent distraction, but once he was home, he was consistently overwhelmed. He wasn’t about to start therapy anytime soon, but maybe talking to someone, even just a little, might help alleviate the stress.

All along he’d been thinking that if no one knew his past, things would be easier. That had so far proven to be untrue – if anything, it was in fact harder, because no one understood and he felt trapped and silent, holding everything in. If someone _did_ finally know, maybe he could finally properly move forward.

Jack was sweating heavily by the time he returned to the hospital. He grabbed a towel from a linen closet and went straight to the senior residents’ locker room to shower. He decided he would worry about it all tomorrow.

~

Addison was in the locker room, gathering her things when he emerged from the shower in a fresh set of clothes, towel drying his hair.

“How was your run?” she asked, looking up.

He smiled a little as he answered, “It helped.”

“Good.” She returned his smile briefly and then said hesitantly, “Jack, you should know that I am cursed with this ridiculous sense of curiosity – well, being _nosy_ , I think is probably more correct. It causes me to… overstep my bounds. That whole curiosity killing the cat thing – it’s practically my motto. So you can tell me to take a hike if you don’t want to answer.”

Addison paused as if asking for permission to continue, and when Jack didn’t reply, she carried on.

“Is everything ok? Because it seems like every day you… no offense, but you look worse.” She regarded him with concern. “Like you’re not sleeping - like something’s really wrong. And there was that day in the on-call room, when you were having some sort of nightmare. I don’t know what you’re going through, but… Jack, what I’m trying to say, is that I am here if you want to talk about it. I want to help you if I can.”

She offered him an apprehensive sort of smile when she’d finished.

Jack dropped his gaze to the towel in his hands and thought about the run he’d just had, about the baby he’d lost that day, about Kate and the island and… He didn’t think he could tell her everything just yet, but she was offering, and he could really use a friend right now.

He saw her shift uncomfortably as he raised his eyes to look at her.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Jack asked, then added, “But not at Joe’s. I’d rather not… I’d rather there wasn’t a chance that we could be overheard.”

“Sure,” Addison nodded.

“I’ll grab my coat.”

~

They were seated comfortably in a dimly lit booth at the back of an Irish pub fifteen minutes from the hospital. Once their drinks had come, Jack spent several minutes watching the condensation slide down the side of his glass while Addison waited patiently for him to find the words he wanted. When he finally spoke, he kept his eyes trained on his scotch.

“About eight months ago, I was involved in… a major accident, with a large group of people. It was extremely traumatic and I haven’t… I’m really struggling to get past it, even now.” He paused and took a quick sip of his drink.

He didn’t know how to explain that by _major accident_ he meant plane crash, and by _extremely traumatic_ he meant that he’d been rescued from a deserted island only five or so months ago where a whole mess of crazy things happened. Jack didn’t really want her to think he was completely insane when he started in about a number of people conducting psychological and environmental experiments or a smoke monster that snatched and killed people.

“There was a woman who was in the accident too, and I fell in love with her. We were together for a couple months and then she…” He found he couldn’t say _was arrested for murder_ , knowing how it sounded. He cleared his throat before saying, “She had to leave. We… stayed in touch at first, but then she… took off. She basically disappeared.”

Addison reached for his hand then, giving it a comforting squeeze and he finally looked up from his glass.

“Look, Addison, there’s a lot more to it than that, but I… I can’t really talk about it. Not yet. I’m… I just can’t deal with it.”

“I understand,” she said at once. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that.”

He clenched his jaw briefly. “Me too.”

They soon moved out of deep waters and eased back into lighter conversation. As the night wore on, Jack and Addison chatted idly about this and that, getting to know each other a little better in the process.

At the end of the night when they had paid their tab, Jack handed Addison her coat. She caught his eye.

“You know, whenever you’re ready to talk about it some more, I’m here.” She said earnestly. “It doesn’t matter what time of day or night, alright? I’m here.”

As Jack regarded her open features, he felt like a small weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

“Thank you,” he replied. “Thank you for listening.”

“Anytime, Jack.” She smiled warmly.

~


	11. Chapter 11

As Addison got ready for bed that night, she felt glad that Jack had finally confided in her a little. She had begun to feel increasingly worried about him as he showed up to work looking more and more haggard, and now she had an idea of why. There was also that day she'd walked in on him having a serious nightmare and she'd been concerned about what was going on ever since.

At the same time, she almost felt a bit frustrated, because she still didn't know enough to be able to help him. He was still keeping her at a distance, still trying to struggle on alone and she badly wanted to just _be there_ for him, to understand what was going on and help him through it. She tried to promise herself it was purely out of friendship – she would do the same for any of her other friends, after all – but it was more than that with Jack. Maybe there never really would be a chance at romance between them, but she couldn't help thinking about it. She still had feelings for him that she couldn't banish.

Addison began brushing her teeth and thought about what Jack had told her that night, about being involved in a major accident. What kind of an accident, she wondered. A car accident? Something more major? He'd said it had involved a large number of people and that it was a traumatic experience. Perhaps a building fire? A boat sinking?

Finished in the bathroom, she flicked off the light and crossed the living room of her apartment. She passed her laptop but then stopped and backed up a few steps until she was standing in front of it again. She remembered how Callie had once suggested she should Google Jack if she wanted to know more about him. She'd thought it was silly at the time, but…

If it was a major accident, surely it would have been in the news? Maybe that was why he had thought she might recognize him?

Even as she sat down and started booting up her laptop however, she began to change her mind again. She'd told Jack she was here for him whenever he needed to talk. She'd promised herself on her way back home that she'd be patient, she'd respect his privacy. From what she knew of him, he didn't let on what he was feeling easily, or hardly at all, and him opening up earlier was a big deal.

Her browser was open and waiting almost at once. She should shut down her computer and walk away…

Addison typed Jack's name into the search engine, hesitated briefly, then hit enter.

Damn her insatiable curiosity. And Callie for ever suggesting Google in the first place.

Instantly she was bombarded with results that took her breath away.

" _YouTube: Oceanic Survivor Jack Shephard Releases Statement in Press Conference"_

" _Fifty Survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 Rescued Via Freighter"_

"' _We Just Want to Move On' – Oceanic Survivor Breaks Radio Silence"_

" _Special Investigation: Why Did Flight 815 Crash?"_

"' _Miracle' Rescue as Fifty People Found on Deserted Island by Long Range Freighter"_

" _Oceanic Survivor Kate Austen Arrested For Previous Crimes"_

" _LA Times: Oceanic Survivors Jack Shephard and Kate Austen Dating?"_

" _Driveshaft Holds Memorial Concert In Light Of Oceanic Flight 815 Rescue – Former Band Member Pace Not Among Survivors"_

" _Oceanic Survivor Sayid Jarrah Marries Childhood Sweeatheart – Number of Other Survivors Attend Private Ceremony"_

" _Oceanic Survivors 'Trying To Get Back To Normal'"_

" _Flight 815 Goes Missing Over The Pacific Ocean With 324 Passengers On Board"_

_ Search Related: _ _  
kate austen trial  
charlie pace driveshaft  
flight 815 disappears  
plane crash  
st. sebastian's hospital los angeles_

Her heart was racing as she scanned the various headlines. She clicked the first one, a video link for a press conference and sat back to watch.

It began with a representative from Oceanic Airlines, a woman in a sharp navy suit, approaching a podium. Camera flashes and questions assaulted her at once, but she put her hands up swiftly to quiet them down, then proceeded to talk into the microphone.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. On September 22, 2004, Oceanic Flight 815 took off from Sydney, Australia bound for Los Angeles, California. Six hours in, the plane lost radio contact and seemed to have disappeared somewhere over the Pacific Ocean." A map appeared behind and to her right, and she gestured with a laser pointer. "108 days later, a freighter suffered an electrical malfunction and deviated from its proper course, coming upon a small island, not on any of their maps. It was here that they found the missing plane and just 50 remaining survivors of the original 324 passengers who had originally been on board the plane."

Addison covered her mouth with her hand in shock as she listened. _Major accident_ he'd said!

"As you've all read in your briefing books, the survivors were then transported to Honolulu, Hawaii and once it was determined who they were, they were brought back to Los Angeles. This photo was taken of the survivors as they exited LAX four days ago." The woman paused, lowering the laser pointer as a large picture of a number of people flashed behind her. "I'm sure you can imagine that this has been an _extremely_ trying experience for all involved. Dr. Jack Shephard, however, has agreed to read a statement on behalf of the Oceanic survivors."

Jack emerged from behind the Oceanic emblazoned curtain as the woman stepped aside. He took up her place behind the podium as camera flashes went off continually again.

"Thank you. I would like to start by saying that we are very grateful to be home and are eager to put this all behind us." He cleared his throat and began reading off a set of papers in his hands. "As you already know, the plane took off from Sydney and several hours in, it lost all radio contact. The pilot was attempting to turn around to land in Fiji, when we hit a pocket of severe turbulence and went down. He later told us, before he died of his injuries, that we were more than a thousand miles off course.

"The plane broke apart in mid-air, and crash landed all over the island. I was in the mid-section, which ended up on the main beach. The death toll was catastrophic: only 48 people survived, with another 23 surviving the tail section's crash on the other side of the island. The only survivor from the front section was the pilot, Seth Norris, who as I have already mentioned, shortly died of his injuries. There were numerous other injuries, and many succumbed to them within the first few days of being stranded. As the only doctor, I did everything I could to ensure the survival of as many people as possible. With extreme conditions and next to no supplies, however, I was often unable to."

Addison shook her head, unable to fathom the situation Jack had once found himself in. She tried to imagine what it could possibly be like, to be in a plane that crashed on an island, to be surrounded by casualties and as a doctor be unable to help. How many of them died in his arms? How many of them died within hours, days or even weeks?

"The island we landed on was rich with fruit and fish," Jack continued. "And we were able to keep ourselves from going hungry. Due to the elements and the realities of living on an island for three months, however, more lives were tragically lost, resulting in there being just 50 of us remaining when the freighter came upon the island. A scouting party of scientists was sent from the freighter to study aspects of the island when they found us, and they immediately radioed for help. Following that, as you know, we boarded the freighter and were brought to Hawaii and then LA.

"We are extremely thankful to the crew of the freighter for discovering us and bringing us home, and for Oceanic Airlines for the settlement we have all received. This trauma will be with us forever, and we simply wish to return to our regular lives as much as we can. We appreciate you respecting our privacy as we overcome the past few months and move forward. Thank you for your time."

As Jack concluded the statement and stepped back, the press immediately jumped to their feet, shouting questions. Jack disappeared behind the curtain on the stage, while the Oceanic representative rushed forward. She practically had to shout to be heard despite the amplification the microphone provided.

"No questions will be taken at this time," she said. "No further questions! Thank you for your time, but the survivors of Oceanic 815 would like to ask that they be left to move on from this gruelling and traumatic experience, and therefore will not be releasing any further statements."

The video ended with the Oceanic woman, looking slightly harried, following Jack behind the thick curtain.

Addison's mind was reeling. She felt like she couldn't wrap it around what she'd just watched. As the press conference had gone on, she realized she'd heard about flight 815 back when it had happened in September. It had been big news, splashed all over every newspaper, that the massive Boeing 777 had simply disappeared somewhere over the Pacific Ocean. Then back in January, she remembered hearing about the extraordinary miracle that a group of passengers had been found. She wasn't one to keep tabs on the news generally, however, and there was always some new catastrophe that was being reported, so the story about Oceanic 815 had simply faded from memory, extraordinary as it was.

But Jack – _her_ Jack, the man she worked with, was friends with, wanted more with – he had actually been on that plane. He and 49 other people had, against all odds, survived a plane _breaking apart in mid-air_ and had spent something like three months on a _deserted island_. No _wonder_ Jack was having nightmares and looked constantly exhausted. If it had been her, she thought she wouldn't be able to get up in the morning after having gone through something so extreme. It was the type of thing you saw in movies or on TV, heard about on the news from time to time. The type of thing you believed would never happen to you or someone close to you.

With trembling fingers, she began reading the other links and it wasn't long before she knew basically everything there was to know about Oceanic 815, the crash, the rescue, and more. She read story upon story reporting the plane's disappearance and the rescue a few months later. She delved into articles about Kate Austen, a survivor with a criminal past who Jack was romantically linked with. The online archives of several LA tabloids were a treasure trove of sensational articles about the pair.

They had moved in together shortly after they were rescued, and then Kate was arrested for a laundry list of crimes she'd apparently committed (and been on the run for) prior to Oceanic's crash. Another article talked in depth about how Kate had broken out of the place she was being held awaiting her trial and had disappeared without a trace, just back in May.

 _Complicated_ , she thought, remembering Jack's statement about being in love with someone else. _Is the understatement of the century._

She realized that all of this must have been why Jack had come to Seattle in May. Kate had left him and disappeared, he was still dogged by members of the paparazzi begging him for "the real story" and the gritty details of his time on the island, and it sounded like they even had started bothering him where he worked. She couldn't blame him for running away, for struggling every day and wished more than ever she could help him somehow, maybe ease his pain.

"Oh Jack…" she breathed, her heart breaking for him.

 _Damn_ her insatiable curiosity.


	12. Chapter 12

That night was the first time in weeks he didn't drink himself to sleep. Even better, he slept soundly and didn't experience a single nightmare.

In the morning, he went about his usual routine, looking forward to another day of work. He hoped this day would be better than the previous, what with losing the Preston's son. Though he admitted that the day had ended on a higher note, at the bar with Addison. He quickly checked his list of bookmarked websites for news on Kate and found nothing as usual, before crossing to the kitchen to grab his travel mug of coffee.

Jack glanced out his window and did an immediate double take. Parked across the street was the same navy colored sedan that had been parked there for nearly a week. That wasn't troubling by itself, as there could be any number of reasons behind the car's inactivity. What bothered him was that all the vehicle's windows were tinted and he had just spotted a glimpse of a man with a large camera around his neck climbing into the passenger's side.

Jack swallowed hard, worry and paranoia coiling in his stomach. His immediate fear was that the paparazzi had found him. It wasn't like he'd made it impossible or anything for them to do so, and he'd always known it was just a matter of time before they tracked him down. But he'd always held onto the dim hope that he would finally be uninteresting enough that he could disappear into a normal life.

He shook his head, hurrying out of his apartment. No sense in worrying about it now. Whether it was photographers or not, he was still running late for work.

~

That day Addison and Jack worked opposing schedules, so she saw very little of him. This, contrary to most days, suited her just fine. She still didn't know how to compose herself around him now that she knew his secret, especially when she wasn't _supposed_ to know it. She had tossed and turned restlessly the night before, cursing her need to _know_ , as she hadn't been able to stop thinking about it.

She was also bursting to tell someone, especially Callie, but she knew that even if she told Callie in private, somehow it would end up being spread around the hospital. Not that Callie would tell anyone else if Addison asked her not to, it was just that things inevitably had a way of being found out, especially at Seattle Grace. In fact, she thought it was practically a miracle that no one had found out about Jack already. She wasn't about to be the one to spill the beans, however, so if it meant struggling to keep it to herself, than struggle she would.

Thankfully, there were plenty of other things to keep her distracted, including several surgeries, as well as the usual circulating gossip. Later in the afternoon, she made her way to the cafeteria for a late lunch, and it wasn't long before Mark joined her.

"I just spent six hours in surgery with Dr. Hahn," he said as he took a seat beside Addison at the round table. "And I've had an epiphany."

"That there is finally one woman in the universe immune to your charms?" the redhead teased.

"That there is _actually_ one woman who is immune to my charm."

"I saw you flirting with her at the nurses' station. I also saw her shut you down. It was refreshing _and_ entertaining." She smiled.

"So she's a challenge. I like a challenge."

"Please."

"You won't be laughing when I wear her down and get her to go out with me."

Callie hurried over at that moment and plopped down with a heavy sigh on Addison's other side. "Hahn said no, I take it?" She interjected without glancing up from her food tray.

"How did _you_ know already? You've been locked up doing paperwork for days on end."

Callie waved her hand at him and swallowed a bite of her sandwich. "She's never going to go for you. She's not your type. Give up now."

"Never give up, never surrender." Mark grinned.

"Really?" Addison rolled her eyes and proceeded to change the subject to Callie's battle with her position as Chief Resident.

Her friend sighed wearily again. "It is _way_ more work than I thought it would ever be. I feel like all I do is organize and schedule and fill out paperwork, and charts…" She set down her sandwich and rubbed her hands over her tired eyes. "If I had known this was what it was going to be like, I would never have applied. I just want to be back in surgery. I literally haven't held a scalpel in two weeks."

Addison patted her shoulder sympathetically, while Mark was busy gazing across the cafeteria at one Dr. Erica Hahn.

"I mean, she's damn hot, and so am I." He mumbled, only half to himself. "What could possibly be the problem?"

The two women ignored him.

"Have you considered asking Bailey for help?" suggested Addison.

"I don't know… she's still pretty pissed that she didn't get the job. I get the feeling she's eager to see the Chief get fed up with me and demote me so she can tell him _I told you so._ "

"I'm sure Miranda would help you pick up the slack," said Addison reassuringly.

Callie smiled wanly, unconvinced.

"I'm going to go sit with her." Mark said to no one in particular and after scooping up his own tray, went and did just that.

The two women chuckled as Dr. Hahn looked quite unimpressed when Mark joined her.

"I might have to go rescue her in a few minutes." Addison smiled with amusement.

When her friend didn't respond, she glanced at Callie and followed her gaze to the table where Meredith and her friends were sitting. George O'Malley and Izzie Stevens were seated side by side, and though it was hard to tell from where Addison was, it looked like the pair was holding hands under the table.

"How are things?" she asked a moment later.

Callie hastily turned her eyes away from George and Izzie, back to her food. "We're signing the papers." She said in a sad, low voice.

"I'm so sorry, Callie."

She looked up at her redheaded friend with shining eyes. "Maybe it's kinda for the best, you know? I mean, we rushed into it, right after his Dad died, and…" She cleared her throat and Addison could tell that while Callie believed what she was saying in some small way, for the most part she was simply saying it to make herself feel better. "I really did love him."

"I know." Addison gave Callie's shoulder a comforting squeeze, wishing there was more she could do or say to help her friend. "You know, I don't have surgery for another two hours. Why don't I come help you make a dent in that paperwork?"

"That would be great, Addison, thank you so much."

When Callie had finished her lunch, the pair headed up to the break room that was doubling as Callie's office. Addison helped her friend with as much scheduling and paperwork as she could before she had to head into surgery. Before she left, she made Callie promise to ask Miranda for help and Callie agreed she would before the end of her shift.

~

Later that week, Jack found Addison filling out patient charts at one of the nurses' stations on the surgical floor. She was wearing her glasses low on her nose and he couldn't stop the smile that stole over his features at the sight. He approached her before he lost his nerve, the invitation he'd received in the mail that morning was stashed safely in his lab coat pocket.

"You busy this weekend?" he asked when he'd reached her.

Addison looked up. "I'm already taking Mark's shift on Friday so if you need me to take yours too –"

Jack chuckled. "No, it's not about work."

She seemed to perk up instantly and removed her glasses. "Oh, well in that case, no, I'm not doing anything. Yet." She smiled widely.

"Remember I told you about my friend Hurley? Well, his parents are throwing him a surprise birthday party this weekend, down in LA. I was wondering if you'd want to come with me, you know, be my plus one?" He didn't know why he felt nervous awaiting her answer, because he was asking her as a friend, but he did nonetheless.

He had nothing to be nervous about however, as Addison leaned back in her chair and smiled again.

"Sure, why not. What do I need to bring?"

Jack shrugged. "Overnight things. We'll fly out Saturday morning and be back Sunday evening."

"It's a date." Almost as soon as the words were out of her mouth, she sat upright and her smile vanished. "I mean, not a _date_ date, obviously. This is a friends thing for a friend's party, I didn't mean like an actual, romantic – I mean it could be if you wanted, but I wasn't thinking it was, or _expecting_ , I just - "

"It's fine," Jack laughed, holding up his hand to stop her rambling. His pager went off a second after. "I have to go, but I'll see you later."

~

As it turned out, Addison was paged moments later as well. The patient was a thirty-three year old woman, one Anna Grable, who was 35 weeks pregnant and had been involved in a serious car accident. Both Derek and Mark were occupied in another surgery, so Jack scrubbed in to repair three of the woman's fingers which had been severed, while Addison was there to monitor the baby and deliver it if necessary.

She kept a close eye on the fetal monitor while Jack worked. As he was putting tiny sutures on the last finger, the monitor began beeping noisily.

"Baby's heart-rate is rising." Addison stated.

Jack acknowledged her and concentrated on the sutures. He was nearly finished when George O'Malley piped up,

"Contractions are two minutes apart, and her water just broke."

Addison swivelled around. "Let's get a warmer in here. O'Malley, get Anna in the stirrups. I'm going to press her abdomen."

"She's crowning," said George only a moment later.

"Watch the jostling." Jack warned as Addison and her intern worked to deliver the baby. He completed the last of the sutures just as the baby was delivered and placed in a warmer.

As Addison hastened to take care of the brand new child, Jack couldn't help but watch her. Seeing her eyes crinkle behind her mask, the way she looked when she brought life into the world like that… it was something he didn't think he could ever get tired of seeing. She looked up and caught his eye and he returned her smile under his mask.

A short time later when they had completed the surgery and were washing their hands in the sinks, Addison turned his way and asked,

"So this party. What's the dress code going to be like? Am I going all out formal ball gown, jeans and a t-shirt, or somewhere in between?"

"Oh, definitely the ball gown. It's going to be _very_ black tie. I'll be wearing a suit with tails, white gloves and a top hat."

She realized he was joking then and threw a balled up piece of paper towel at him. "Funny. What will the dress code _actually_ be?"

Jack shrugged. "It's Hurley, so I can't imagine it will be anything fancier than a step up from casual."

"Well, then I know what I'm doing with my day off tomorrow." Addison said. "I'll need to find the perfect new party dress. Maybe not a _ball gown_ …"

"I look forward to seeing it, though I think the ball gown would still be pretty great." Jack chuckled and held the door open for her.

"I'll keep that in mind."

Jack watched her go down the hall to check on patients before heading away himself. He surprised himself with how much he was already looking forward to Hurley's birthday party. As he went on his way to tend to his own patients, he amused himself with the mental image of Addison in a gigantic sparkly dress.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: This chapter relies a bit on that flash-forward scene season 4 at Hurley's birthday, but mostly is new because of the circumstances.

On Saturday, the pair flew down to Los Angeles early in the morning. They went straight to their hotel to drop off their things and since they had the rest of the day before Hurley's party in the evening, Jack suggested they do a little sight-seeing. Addison had visited the city a handful of times, but she had never really had the time to actually check out all the touristy things (though she'd always wanted to). Having lived in LA for many years, Jack had seen pretty well everything but was happy to show her around anyways.

They hit all the usual spots, including a section of the Walk of Fame, Grauman's Chinese Theatre and Rodeo Drive (where Addison pretended she was rich and snobby, affecting an accent and playing the part well enough that a sales woman fawned all over her, as she tried on a couple dresses in the most expensive store they could find). They had lunch at a little out of the way hot dog place that Jack loved and later they drove by the hospital where he used to work.

Late in the afternoon when they arrived back at their hotel, Addison whined that they hadn't spotted any celebrities out and about. Jack reminded her that they had driven past Gary Sinise out walking his dog, which was followed by her repeating that it hadn't been him though Jack maintained that it had. The pair separated into their rooms, still arguing good naturedly about Gary Sinise, and started getting ready for Hurley's birthday party.

~

As Jack dressed, he felt some trepidation about the party because he knew it was going to be strange to be with the others without Kate also present. He also was not looking forward to any questions he might have to field about what happened with her, her whereabouts and so on. He was determined to banish her from his mind, however, and did his best to shake away her memory for a few hours.

"Addison?" Jack rapped on the door that joined his and Addison's hotel rooms. "You almost ready?"

She opened the door a moment later and Jack felt his breath catch in his chest when he saw her. Her dress was a deep blue color with a thick band of shining black fabric at the waist. When she stepped forward, the lower half of the dress, which reached just above her knees, flowed gently. She'd left her hair mostly down, though a portion was held neatly back with a small black clip.

"You clean up nice," she remarked with a smirk.

"Thanks," Jack said rubbing his hand over his freshly shaved face. He glanced down at his own attire – a fitted black suit jacket with matching pants and a crisp charcoal-colored button up shirt – before returning his gaze to Addison. "Ready to go?"

~

During the cab ride to the Reyes residence, Jack worried about Addison meeting others from the Oceanic crash. He still didn't feel ready to disclose the entire truth about what had happened to him and therefore didn't exactly want to be standing there chatting about it in front of her. As they pulled up in front of the massive house, he decided he might just have to make sure the others knew that Addison wasn't aware of the whole truth and ask them to keep it that way.

Addison meanwhile, was feeling elated to be attending a function with Jack. He looked extremely handsome and she couldn't help but stealing little glances at him when she knew he was busy looking out the window. She fretted silently that she'd chosen the wrong shoes, as the shiny black heels she'd chosen were impossibly high and likely would have her feet throbbing in a few short hours, but they matched the black on her dress too perfectly _not_ to wear.

Jack and Addison arrived at the party with just a few minutes to spare. Hurley's mother, Carmen Reyes, bustled out at once, hastening them to the backyard where the rest of the guests were.

"Hugo will be here any minute!" she said, her voice colored by a Spanish accent.

The pair joined the small crowd gathered in the expansive backyard. Jack frowned as he glanced around, noting the Hawaiian island theme of the decorations. Hurley's father came forward a moment later with large fake leis.

"Here, here," he said, handing them each one. "Glad you could make it, Dr. Shephard. Hugo will be so happy."

Mrs. Reyes shushed her husband at once. "He's coming!" she whispered hoarsely and waved for everyone to stop talking.

Jack and Addison exchanged amused looks and put on their leis.

Only a few moments later, Hurley threw open the patio doors and everyone shouted, _"Surprise!"_ Mrs. Reyes rushed forward, kissing her son on the cheek and placing a lei around his neck while he looked a bit stunned and confused, but Jack was fairly certain he was putting it on for his parent's benefit. On Hurley's other side, his father clapped his back cheerily.

"Happy birthday, son! Were you surprised?"

Hurley glanced between his parents. "I had _no_ idea – you got me!" He sounded fairly convincing, but Jack couldn't help chuckling quietly. Hurley may not have known exactly which day his parents were planning the surprise birthday, but he had known it was going to happen for a long time already.

Addison had to stop herself from staring at the bigger man while he and his parents exchanged typical "post-surprise" comments. She'd noticed some of the other Oceanic survivors scattered amongst the other guests previously, but somehow seeing Hugo Reyes not too far away from the spot where she was standing made everything she'd read about Jack feel suddenly much more real, though she couldn't articulate why exactly. This man too had survived the horror of a plane crash and three months on an island.

She hastily swallowed down the emotion fast rising in her throat. She would have to pretend she knew nothing about the crash – nothing past the minimal that Jack had told her that night at the bar. That was the only way she was going to get through this party without letting on that she in fact knew nearly every detail.

The party officially kicked off about then, and Jack retrieved a pair of drinks from the Tiki bar for himself and Addison. He shook his head in disbelief at the excess of island themed objects everywhere as he made his way back to her. He wasn't sure if the Reyes' thought they were being funny or ironic, but he personally was finding the theme quite irritating.

"Everything ok?" asked Addison when he'd reached her and handed her a drink. "You looked kind of… dark and stormy right now."

"Do I?" he looked up, clearing his features. "I was just… thinking."

"Penny for your thoughts?" Addison smiled.

Jack glanced around at the other party guests briefly, spotting Hurley across the sun dappled yard, laughing and talking animatedly.

"He was in the accident with me." Jack finally replied. "In fact, there will probably be… several people here from the… accident."

Addison dropped her gaze to her drink for a moment, though Jack didn't notice as he rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. She couldn't imagine how hard this must be for him, to be surrounded by people who were traumatized, same as him. She wished he would talk to her about it so she could help him through this.

 _Why must he do everything alone?_ She thought. Aloud, she asked, "Are you ok?"

He cleared his throat. "I will be. Will you excuse me for a second?"

She nodded. "Sure."

Jack crossed the yard to where Hurley was standing, and his friend embraced him happily at once.

"Good to see you again, dude." Hurley grinned. "Who'd you come with? She's pretty hot."

Jack laughed. "Her name is Addison. We work at the hospital together."

"You two, like, _'together'_ together?"

He shook his head, glancing briefly back at her. She was chatting with a couple and he knew instinctively she was rambling on about something that had happened at the hospital one day. He was smiling when he faced Hurley again.

"No, we're just friends."

"Sure, dude. Sure."

Jack chuckled, then reluctantly changed the subject. "She doesn't know about what happened – or about Kate. I haven't told her."

"She doesn't know _anything_ about it?"

"She knows that we were in a major accident."

"Uh, biggest understatement ever, dude."

"I know, it's just…" Jack sighed. "It's too much. Even now, it's too much."

"I get it, don't worry. I haven't really told my parents all the details either. They know the gist of it." Hurley shrugged. "Maybe someday, you know?"

"Exactly. So if we could just… well, avoid the topic when she's around?"

Hurley gave Jack's shoulder a pat. "Not a problem dude. I'll let the others know."

Jack thanked his friend and rejoined Addison, who was chatting easily with Juliet. The blonde woman smiled and greeted Jack with a hug.

"It's good to see you, Jack." She said and pulled back. "Addison was just telling me about a certain story from your intern days. I must say it's one I haven't heard."

Jack chuckled sheepishly. "It's not really a story I tend to spread around."

"How do you two know each other?" Addison asked. She was fairly certain she hadn't seen this woman's face in all her Oceanic-related reading a few nights ago and couldn't help wondering if she was Jack's ex or something.

"We used to work together," Jack answered swiftly. Juliet's eyes flicked briefly to him but she nodded in agreement. He could tell she was curious as to why he hadn't said where they really knew each other from, but she played along effortlessly.

As they began discussing Juliet's work at a fertility clinic, several people approached them. Addison's pulse quickened as she recognized James "Sawyer" Ford, Sayid Jarrah and his wife Nadia – two crash survivors and his childhood sweetheart. She held her smile in place, firmly reminding herself that she wasn't supposed to recognize any of them.

"Wondered if you'd be here, Doc." Sawyer smirked. "Heard you'd up and gone north to Washington."

"I did," Jack smiled and shook his friend's outstretched hand, then joked, "Got tired of all the sun."

Jack greeted Sayid and Nadia next, before proceeding to introduce Addison to them as his good friend and coworker from the hospital in Seattle where he now worked. As he chatted with his old friends, he felt himself relax. Being with them was familiar and welcome, and even though they'd met under horrible circumstances, he felt closer to all of them than anyone else in his life. He had to silently admit, however, that Addison was closing in on being added to that list of closest friends.

The only problem with being surrounded by these people was the painfully obvious fact that someone was missing. Kate, of course, was not present and the ache of that fact clawed at his chest and he ignored it fiercely. He pulled his attention back to the conversation.

Addison was content to listen as the group talked about everyday things. Though she'd repeatedly promised she wouldn't think about the crash and information she'd read, she couldn't help it. These people, these survivors, were all around her and she watched their faces as Jack talked about his new life in Seattle.

She could tell that these people admired and greatly looked up to Jack, and she felt a flood of warmth towards him. She thought of the press conference video, how he had been the one to face the press and release the statement on behalf of everyone. It almost felt as though he was a leader to them, the person who made decisions and held them together. Even Sawyer, who took every opportunity to tease Jack throughout the conversation, seemed to respect him deeply.

There was no mistaking the connection and bond he had with these people.

Hurley approached the group shortly after that, his round face beaming.

"Mom said Claire is coming too, she's just running late." He said. "I'm glad you guys all made it here today."

"Couldn't miss it, Tubby," said Sawyer. "Heard there was an open bar."

Hurley cocked his head at his Southern friend. "Dude, I _actually_ miss the nickname thing."

They laughed and Hurley began peppering Sayid and Nadia about life in Iraq. Jack noted that Juliet slid her hand into Sawyer's. He still felt a bit surprised to know that they were dating, but then he saw the way Sawyer looked at Juliet, and his doubt melted away.

He finished the drink in his hand just as Hurley began explaining how Sun had called earlier that morning. She and Jin were just about to leave for the hospital, and Hurley gushed that there was probably a new baby Kwon in Korea right now.

Addison listened to Jack glean more details from Hurley about Sun's phone call for a moment, before she excused herself and headed to the bathroom.

~

She hadn't been actively thinking about it and it wasn't a decision she had consciously come to, really. But as she had stood there watching Jack in that crowd of people, Addison simply knew: this wasn't attraction, or mere friendship, or anything seemingly simple like that.

She'd seen the way he'd looked at her when she'd emerged from her hotel room earlier. It had made her heart skip a beat to see him gazing at her like that. Maybe he was in love with someone else, but maybe – _just maybe_ – he was falling in love with her too. She was certainly willing to wait and see where things went between them, as long as it took.

 _Oh God,_ she thought, staring at her reflection in the guest bath mirror. _Of course I would go and fall in love with the one guy I can't have._

Addison sighed heavily.


	14. Chapter 14

Sayid cleared his throat softly then said, "Interesting choice of theme."

Hurley shook his head. "Yeah, Mom really doesn't get it, dude. I don't know what they were thinking."

"Were they trying to be ironic?" asked Jack, his lips quirking into a half-smile.

"Dude," Hurley chuckled. "I doubt they know what _ironic_ even means."

Mr. Reyes approached the group at the moment, an excited grin on his face. "Hey, how's everybody doing? What are you all talking about? Building a fire? Hunting boars?"

Jack stiffened and he exchanged glances with Sayid. The smile on Nadia's features disappeared and she visibly bristled, ready to defend Sayid if need be.

"Dad…" Hurley groaned.

"I guess not, huh?" Mr. Reyes looked good-naturedly from face to face, and when he received no encouragement, he laughed uneasily and turned back to his son. "I need to borrow Hugo for a minute – come on son, I have to show you your birthday present!"

He grabbed his son's arm and edged away from the group. Hurley grimaced but followed.

Nadia excused herself to the bathroom while Sawyer and Juliet went to refill their drinks, leaving Jack and Sayid momentarily alone.

"Hurley told us about your friend, Addison," Sayid said. "Is there a particular reason why you have not told her what happened to you? And about the island?"

"How long before you told Nadia?" Jack countered.

"Just a few weeks." Sayid answered. "But we have known each other for a very long time. Once we were reconnected, I knew at once I wanted to marry her."

"Did you tell her about Shannon, too?" He wasn't trying to be rude, but he had to know.

Sayid nodded. "That was not a secret I could keep from her."

Silence stretched between them for several seconds. It was Jack who broke it first.

"I just… can't bring myself to talk about it. The best way I know how to deal with it is… well, to ignore it. If I don't tell her, I can do that."

"But if you do not tell her, and you grow closer, how much worse will it feel to have this secret between you?"

Jack knew his friend was right, but the thought of explaining to Addison about everything that happened, about Boone, the raft, the hatch, Ben, Kate… He just couldn't bear for her to look at him differently, to treat him like he was something fragile and wounded like everyone else had when he'd returned from the island.

If she knew, then everything would change, and his "fresh start" would be a complete waste. The point of dropping everything and coming to Seattle was to leave his baggage far behind, to start over and move forward.

 _So much for that_ , he thought grimly, remembering the short conversation he'd had with Kate on the payphone. He tried to run away from his baggage, but it simply came with him.

Sayid spoke again, breaking Jack from his thoughts.

"I am sure you will be able to tell her when you are ready," his friend said. "She clearly means a lot to you, and it is quite plain she cares about you too."

Jack almost denied this statement with the usual " _we're just friends_ " defense, or something about how he was still in love with Kate and therefore could not be in love with Addison. He couldn't deny the way he felt when he'd laid eyes on her earlier in the evening, however, or the way that he was itching to be near her again. His fellow survivors relaxed him because it felt warm and familiar to be around them, but with Addison he was relaxed because he felt safe and _normal_.

He didn't have the chance to discuss the subject further with Sayid, however, as Addison and Nadia returned moments later and the conversation turned to other topics.

~

By midnight, the crowd had thinned out but the party was still going strong. It was starting to resemble a small wedding in many ways, with drunk guests, conga lines and more. There was also a limbo event, and of the course the cutting of the cake, and as the night wore on, Jack and Addison continued having a great time.

She ditched her shoes under the buffet table shortly after midnight and Jack shed his coat not long after. With a lot of wheedling and one more beer, Addison finally managed to get Jack out on the grass dance floor with her. While Hurley was opening gifts on the well-lit patio, Jack, Addison and a variety of other guests continued dancing, stopping occasionally to take a break and have another drink. She was quite proud of herself in that she'd kept her alcohol consumption moderate and was feeling a "good buzz" as she and Jack took another break from dancing.

Jack collapsed onto one of the folding chairs that had been set up in the yard close to the house. "Is everywhere I go humid and hot or is it just me?"

Addison laughed. "You used to live here – you should be used to this. Besides, you're the one who wore long sleeves."

" _You're_ the one who's making me dance and get all sweaty."

"You can't come to a party like this and _not_ dance," she said matter-of-factly. "That's why there's a DJ and designated dance area. It's not just for show."

"When _I_ go to a party, it is."

"Oh, admit it, you're having fun."

Jack sighed heavily but the effect was lost when he smiled as he answered, "I might be having a _little_ bit of fun."

She stood and gestured for him to get up as well. "I might have an idea to get you away from the heat of the party, too."

"Really?" Jack looked hopeful as he followed her across the lawn, weaving between guests.

She led him to the edge of the expansive lawn – or what he thought was the edge – where a small cobblestone path led off into the darkness of some tall hedges. The path went straight for roughly ten feet then turned sharply to the left, and the path was illuminated from some pale white light coming from up ahead. They followed it and a few seconds later the path opened to a small courtyard with a fountain and a pair of stone benches on either side. Small, semi-dim white lights similar to Christmas lights were dotted in the hedges, creating a firefly-like effect. The path crossed through the courtyard and continued beyond more hedges, but Addison held out her arms and said in a sing-song voice,

"Ta-da!"

"How did you know Hurley's parents had this?" Jack questioned, staring around the space in awe. It was beautiful and surprisingly quiet, the hedges somehow blocking out much of the pounding music. Even better, because it was removed from all the people and dancing, it did indeed feel cooler in temperature.

"Your friend Juliet was mentioning it earlier. Apparently Mrs. Reyes did a mini-tour of the yard when most of the guests had arrived, but we got there after that."

"It's amazing," said Jack and took a seat on one of the stone benches.

"I know," she agreed, sitting beside him. "I have officially decided that I need to move out of my apartment into a house with a backyard so I can make it look like this. I don't even care if the house is ridiculously small, so long as the backyard has that fountain, those lights and these benches."

Jack chuckled and then said in a more serious tone, "And you can't forget the hedges."

"Nope, no hedges."

"Why not?"

"Because then my neighbors won't be able to see into my yard and be jealous. Besides, I kind of suck at gardening, so with my luck, I would simply _kill_ the hedges and that would be much worse than not having them."

"Ah, but how are you going to have those little lights without the hedges?"

"Hmm." She cocked her head to the side, facing him. "Touché."

Their laughter died away a few seconds later and he became suddenly quite aware that they were sitting very close, and their faces were turned towards each other. It would be almost no effort at all to kiss her. All he had to do was lean forward just a little bit…

A loud burst of noise and laughter caused them to jump apart. A couple had stumbled onto the stone path nearby, though by the sounds of it, they retreated a few seconds later without finding the romantic little courtyard. The quiet thrumming beat from the dance floor stopped and a muffled voice could be heard speaking into the microphone.

The moment between Jack and Addison was lost, and she cleared her throat, standing up.

"We'd better get back out there. It sounds like Hurley is nearly done with the gifts."

"Yeah," he agreed, glancing at his watch. "It's late, we should probably go to the hotel anyways."

~

Once they were back at their hotel, they went into Jack's room first and then Addison headed towards the adjoining door.

"I had a lot of fun tonight," she said. "Thanks for inviting me to the party, and LA, with you."

"You're welcome." Jack replied. "I had fun too."

"Well… good night."

"'Night."

She shut the door with a soft click. He stared at it for a few moments, conflicted. He had the urge to follow her through it and finish the kiss he'd wanted to start in the courtyard. He realized with a jolt that he hadn't thought of Kate in several hours – not since he'd been talking to Sayid, and even then, though her absence at the party had felt painful at first, it had dulled and disappeared as the night went on. That had to be a sign, right?

His hand was hovering over the door knob, but he stopped himself. What he _should_ be doing, if anything, was apologizing for trying to kiss her earlier. He was the one, after all, who had first rejected her. He was the one who said they should stay as friends. He was the one who was giving her mixed signals left and right.

He backed away from the door. It was better to leave it like this, he decided. She still didn't know about the crash and he still couldn't handle the idea of telling her about it. Kissing her and starting something would only make things immensely more complicated.

 _The last thing I need is more complication_ , he thought with finality.

Jack turned away and headed into the bathroom to have a quick shower before he turned in for the night.

~

She shut the door with a soft click. Addison leaned against it, her mind racing with possibilities. She had forced herself not to think too much about that almost-kiss-or-something in the courtyard at the Reyes', but now that she was alone, she couldn't _stop_ thinking about it.

He'd smelled so good, and he had leaned forward, and she'd wanted to kiss him badly. She'd hesitated despite this, however, for a number of reasons. First and foremost, of course being that he had once upon a time turned her down because he'd stated that he was in love with someone else. She wanted to believe that maybe he had somehow changed his mind, fallen out of love with this other woman – who, according to the internet, was Kate Austen the fugitive.

But suppose she assumed he was no longer stuck on Kate and she'd kissed back, started something between them, and then Kate came back into his life? What then? And when she, Addison, was left completely heart-broken when he inevitably chose Kate, she'd end up on Callie or maybe even Mark's couch with ice cream, full _I-knew-it_ s and _I-told-myself-so_ s. She'd already been through enough heart break, in her opinion, what with her failed marriage with Derek, the crumbling of her romantic relationship with Mark and ill-advised fling with Karev. Did she really want to add Jack to that list?

Not to mention the fact that she was _supposed_ to be leaving for LA to work at Oceanside with Sam and Naomi. She was supposed to have quit, she should be at home packing, not out partying. And there was yet another reason why she needed to stay on this side of the door. How could she go ahead and get involved, only to leave for LA in a few short weeks? Or at best, post-pone for the third time or fourth (or whatever time she was on now – she was losing track of the messages she'd left) and _then_ leave him behind? It wouldn't be fair to either of them.

Even as she considered all this and felt fairly certain she could see exactly how this would play out should she open the door at her back and march into his hotel room, she thought, _But wouldn't it be worth it? It's_ Jack _._

Addison tossed her clutch and shawl onto the floor, making her decision. She ran her hands over her hair and dress, took a deep breath and opened the door.

She stepped in and didn't see him, but then she heard the shower going. She hesitated momentarily, unsure what to do next. Then she lost her nerve and retreated back into her room, closing the door again and this time flipping the lock. She exhaled and covered her burning face with her hands, having second, third and fourth thoughts about what she had almost just done.

 _His life is enough of a mess as it is,_ she silently chastised herself. _He doesn't need you coming in and making it worse. Maybe someday – far away – and on his terms. Nothing more. Besides, you're leaving._

Keeping that firmly in mind, she made her way to the bathroom to get ready for bed.


	15. Chapter 15

The following day, things between Jack and Addison probably should have felt more awkward, but because both were silently and steadfastly determined to ignore the almost-kiss in the courtyard, they returned without too much difficulty to the routine of their friendship. They shared a large brunch at the hotel before packing up and heading to the airport roughly an hour and a half later. When the pair arrived at LAX, they discovered that their flight time had been changed, the result of which meant they were suddenly running late for their flight instead of being comfortably early.

"Oh, come on!" Addison groaned.

Jack shook his head with frustration. "Nothing we can do – come on, let's hurry."

They rushed as best as they could through the usual security checks to their gate, where the airline employee stationed there was cheerily issuing a last call for boarding.

"You can't just change the time like that," Addison panted irritably, shoving her tickets at the uniformed woman.

"It was changed early this morning, and we do post the changes on our website. It is up to those flying to ensure they arrive early or on time for their booked flight." Her smile was plastic and her tone infuriatingly light.

Addison glared at the woman and looked ready to retort but Jack shot her a look and mumbled, "It's fine, let's just go."

Addison reluctantly kept her mouth shut but shot the woman another fierce glare before heading down the walkway to the plane.

She complained quietly to Jack as they put their luggage into the overhead compartments about the whole thing. He had lifted her mood by the time they took off, however, with amusing stories about past flights he had been on with nasty flight attendants or overly friendly passengers. When he looked away to purchase each of them a set of earphones, she wondered if it was hard for him to get on a plane again after what had happened – she wouldn't have been able to, ever, she thought – and wished she could ask him how he did it.

When they were almost to Seattle, the plane hit a little turbulence. Though the turbulence was indeed quite mild, she still saw Jack's knuckles go white as he clutched the arm rests. He let go briefly as the plane settled and she grabbed his hand in hers.

Jack turned to her in surprise and she forced a nervous smile on her face.

"I know it's hardly any turbulence, but I've never been great with flying," she lied. With perfect timing, the plane shook slightly again and she squeezed his hand hard, inhaling sharply as though truly anxious.

"It'll be alright," he assured her. "We're almost there."

He leaned his head back in the seat and closed his eyes. Addison watched his shoulders relax a little and felt comforted herself at the sight. She continued to hold his hand until the plane began its descent for landing and was glad he didn't know she had never really been a nervous flyer.

~

By the time they'd retrieved their luggage and were sharing a cab back to their apartments, it was shortly after 5 o'clock.

Addison rubbed her eyes. "I can't believe that after all that food we had this morning at the hotel, I'm actually hungry right now."

Jack chuckled and joked, "I didn't think I would be hungry until midnight, at least. What makes it worse is the thought that I actually have to get up the energy to cook some form of supper now."

Addison moaned. "Don't remind me. I don't know why I'm so tired, but the first thing I want to do when I get home is sleep. Especially because I have an early shift tomorrow."

"Me too." he sighed.

A couple minutes passed and then Addison perked up slightly. "Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we order take out at one of our apartments for supper? Then no one has to muster the energy to cook."

"I like your style." Jack grinned. "Whichever one is closest."

"Deal." Addison returned his smile.

~

They ordered Thai food from a place three blocks over from Addison's apartment and it wasn't long before it arrived. They spent the evening watching TV and chatting, simply relaxing. Though they were both exhausted, time managed to slip by without them noticing until it was nearly midnight.

"I can't believe I stayed up this late," Jack grumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Tomorrow morning is going to come _way_ too fast. And I still have to get home!"

"Why don't you stay here?" Addison offered. "You still have your things from the weekend, and I have a couch."

She kept her gaze trained in a casual manner on the TV. She meant the offer as a gesture of friendship, she truly did – she'd said the couch was free, after all – but that didn't stop her over active imagination from already racing with possibilities and unlikely scenarios. For this reason, she almost hoped he would say no, so she could slow her rushing pulse and quell the butterflies that had suddenly sprung up in her stomach.

Jack shrugged. "Why not. We're working the same shift tomorrow anyways, so we can carpool. You sure you don't mind?"

"Not at all." Addison smiled and chanced a glance his way.

She couldn't help wondering if this was a dangerous combination: him in her apartment, and her sitting next to him, aware that she had fallen in love with him. She forced herself away from that avenue of thought. She felt as though she was always the one who took a chance, who put herself out there, who got her heart broken. When it came to love, or even lust, she forged forward swiftly with almost no second thought. For once in her life, she was going to be patient. She would wait, she wouldn't push. She would let him stay at her place tonight because they were friends and nothing more. That was that.

"Thank you, Addison," he said. "I appreciate it."

"You're welcome, Jack."

~

Early the next morning, when the alarm clock in Jack's phone went off, he sighed grumpily, feeling cheated out of a good night's sleep. This was of course his own fault, as he had stayed up late the night before watching TV with Addison, but he was sleep-deprived and edgy nonetheless.

He was ready quicker than Addison and proceeded to make them some fresh coffee so they wouldn't have to stop and buy any on the way to the hospital. He felt better after he got some caffeine in his system too, so he wasn't quite so surly when he saw Addison.

"Good morning," he greeted when she finally emerged from the bathroom.

"And good morning to you." She took the coffee mug from his outstretched hand. "How was the couch?"

"Comfortable, actually."

"Slept ok then?"

"Slept great. Just not long enough."

"Here, here."

They finished up their coffee and headed out of Addison's apartment. Despite feeling tired, Jack found he felt strangely at ease and content as Addison drove them to Seattle Grace. It was something he hadn't felt in a long time, and attributed it to the weekend he'd spent with Addison. He wondered what it would be like if he began dating her and wondered if she would even want to date him.

She was an incredible woman and a brilliant surgeon. He felt good when he was with her and it was easy to forget all the horrible things that happened to him. She made him happy and he cherished his friendship with her. He shot her a sideways glance before returning his gaze to the passing buildings and scenery.

 _And she's completely beautiful_ , he thought.

His mind was still turning on a similar track when Addison pulled into the parking lot a short time later. He stopped short when he saw all the activity in front of the hospital. He noted dozens more vehicles than usual in the lot, many of them not even properly parked. There seemed to be a crowd of people at the entrance but it was difficult to see why.

"What's going on?" Addison asked.

"I don't know," replied Jack, but a cold feeling of dread was slowly building in his stomach. He was pretty sure he could see boon mikes and large television cameras which meant that the crowd was full of the paparazzi. It looked like there were dozens of bystanders, too, all hovering and wondering what the commotion was all about.

Addison parked her car, far away because there were no empty spots closer, and the pair made their way across the lot. As they neared the entrance, she said quizzically,

"Is that… the press?"

Jack's heart was thumping wildly in his chest now and he fought the urge to turn around and run. _It's me – they found me_ , he thought anxiously. _It's over. Everyone is going to know now and everything will be different. God, please let this be a mistake – something else. Let it not be about me…_

They came around the side of a large SUV and then everything seemed to happen at once. Several members of the press at the back of the throng caught sight of Jack and Addison approaching the hospital and began shouting to one another, passing the word up to the front.

"It's him!"

"It's Shephard!"

Jack's gaze darted between the various faces and cameras as they rushed forward, while Addison stepped close to him, looking startled and pale. They began walking quickly, practically having to push their way through the paparazzi as questions were hollered at Jack and microphones where shoved in his face.

"What really happened on that island, Jack?"

"Is it true you flew to LA this weekend to attend an event with several other Oceanic survivors?"

"Dr. Shephard, why did you move to Seattle from LA?"

"Witnesses say this hospital is where you now work – is that true?"

"Police say Kate Austen was very nearly caught last night in Seattle. Have you heard about this report?"

"Jack, do you know anything about what happened? Did she try to contact you?"

While Jack had been keeping his head down, fighting through the crowd and refusing to speak a word, at the onslaught of Kate related news, he couldn't help himself. He glanced up at the nearest reporter who'd been trying to badger him about Kate.

"What about Kate Austen?"

The cameras continued clicking and flashing or recording but the crowd fell quiet the moment he spoke. The man Jack had addressed looked joyful that he was the one who would get a scoop or quote.

"Last night, Kate Austen was spotted at a diner outside of the city. A citizen notified the police who were in pursuit of Miss Austen as she fled into the city, but they lost her somewhere downtown and were unable to locate and apprehend her. Do you have any comment on this, Dr. Shephard?"

He held the microphone out and Jack swallowed hard, his heart pounding. Kate was in Seattle? He wondered if she had tried to contact him, to find him at his apartment perhaps. He felt dizzy at the news and his mind was reeling. He hadn't checked any sort of news outlet for anything new on Kate in almost two days and now _this_ had happened.

"No," he finally said hastily. "No comment."


	16. Chapter 16

Jack began shoving through the crowd again and the noise level ramped back up as the shouting restarted in earnest. Addison practically clung to him, and couldn't help wondering if the pictures that were being taken would end up in the tabloids. She'd been the subject of gossip before, usually contained within Seattle Grace, however, and didn't much like the idea of having her face – which probably looked quite frightened right about now – splashed over every newsstand.

Jack and Addison made it to the doors and squeezed through them into the hospital's front entry way. The doors slid closed behind them, muffling the din from the swarm outside. Inside, people were scattered about staring and talking in rushed tones and she could see Jack's face become flushed as a result of the attention.

"I didn't know – I wasn't even _here_ ," he sputtered, striding rapidly towards the elevators and Addison hurried to keep up. "She was probably here for me, and I wasn't – "

"Jack, you couldn't have known – "

"And now everyone knows, and _they_ came _here_ – "

"We should have gone around back when we saw them, I'm sorry – "

He stopped so suddenly she nearly ran into him. "No, Addison," he said, grabbing her hand tight. " _I_ am sorry. I'm sorry I never told you the truth about who I am, and what happened to me. I should have a long time ago. I'm sorry you had to find out like this."

"It's ok, Jack, really."

He shook his head and practically pulled her into the next open elevator, where they were mercifully alone.

"It's _not_ ok. You're the closest friend I have right now and it's not fair that I was keeping everything a secret from you."

She could see the pain in his eyes and wanted nothing more to make him feel better. She squeezed his hand and blurted,

"I already know, Jack, and it's ok. We didn't know the press would be here, or that Kate – "

He straightened and his whole demeanor changed instantly. "You knew?"

Feeling suddenly inexplicably nervous, she replied cautiously. "Yes, I know about… about the crash, and about Kate."

He dropped her hand. "How long have you known?"

"Just a few weeks – "

"A few weeks? Did you know the night in the bar when I said I'd been in a major accident?"

She couldn't understand why he seemed so abruptly angry but replied, "I found out afterwards. I… I looked you up on the internet."

It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now standing before him, the way he was looking at her made her wish that she had never found anything out. He took a step away from her.

"You _looked me up_." He turned his gaze away from her and she didn't know what to do.

The elevator dinged, they disembarked and still he hadn't said anything else. The silence was ice cold and Addison didn't know how to break it, especially since she was at a loss to understand the depth of his anger at her. She almost had to jog to keep up with him as he made his way swiftly to the senior resident's locker room, ignoring the looks and whispers from staff members as they passed by.

"Jack – "

He threw open the door with a bang and she noted with immense relief that because it was the early shift, there wasn't anyone else here yet.

"Jack," she tried again and when he still wouldn't look at her, she reached out to touch his arm.

He recoiled as though her touch had burnt him. "Don't."

"Just tell me why you're so furious with me!" Addison pleaded.

He slammed open his locker door. "I came here to get away from everything that happened. I just _needed_ to start over. The crash was… it changed me, and I cannot get over it. Not yet. And I was trying to leave it behind me, and I can't even _begin_ to tell you what a relief it was that no one here recognized me, that no one here knew who I was."

He finally faced her now. "I trusted you enough to start to let you in. And you couldn't offer the same trust that I would tell you when I was ready. You had to go behind my back and find out your own way. Now everything is different."

"Nothing has changed! I'm still here, I'm still your friend, I still – "

"No, don't you get it?" he snapped. "It's over! _Everything_ has changed! I can't pretend that nothing happened, I can't just be Jack or Dr. Shephard – it's always going to be the guy who survived a plane crash and everyone has to treat me like I'm _breakable_ or if they say the wrong word, I'll lose it or something. They'll look at me with _that look_ and I already did that once, I can't do it again. That's why I left LA!"

Addison's eyes glistened with tears as she listened to the ache in Jack's voice. She desperately wished she could do something – _anything_ – to fix this or make it better.

"On top of that, now everyone knows about Kate. They all know she was here to see me, and they'll all know about my past with her." His anger seemed to have subsided and his shoulders slumped. "I can't _be_ just anybody anymore."

"But you're _not_ just anybody," Addison said intently. "And you _did_ survive a plane crash. You can't hide that. I'm sorry that it came out this way, but you had to know it would happen sooner or later, didn't you?"

His jaw muscles clenched tight. For what felt like several minutes, the silence stretched. Then, in barely more than a whisper, Jack said,

"Do you ever feel like… like you're just hanging on by a thread?"

Addison didn't have a chance to reply, however, as the door to the locker room swung open and Erica Hahn entered, followed by Mark.

"It's not a matter of will or won't, Sloan," she was saying. "We work together and that means – "

Hahn stopped as she and Mark caught sight of Jack and Addison.

"Jack, we heard," Mark said sympathetically.

"Kind of hard not to with that media circus out there." Hahn put in.

"I remember hearing about that plane thing too, way back. I can't believe you were on that. Man, I'm so sorry." Mark shook his head.

 _Stop talking!_ Addison mentally shouted. She could feel Jack stiffening beside her and she tried to glare at Mark, wishing he would read her mind.

"It must have been awful to endure an experience like that." Hahn said.

"I can't imagine what that would have been like," Mark continued, oblivious to the look on Addison's face. "If it were me, I don't know if I would have survived being on an island for three months."

Addison cleared her throat and when her friend finally looked at her, she widened her eyes at him and gave her head a small shake, trying to get her message across. Typically Mark didn't seem to understand, so he merely narrowed his eyes in slight confusion.

"I have to go." Jack mumbled. He rushed forward, exiting the locker room at once.

Addison exhaled harshly and strode after Jack. She turned to Mark when she was level with him and snapped, " _God_ , Mark!"

"What?" he held his hands out, palms up. "I was being nice!" He called after her but she was already out the door.

As Addison hastened down the halls of the hospital, various people tried to talk to her both about Jack and work-related issues. She brushed them all off and managed to catch up to Jack as he was climbing into a cab across the street from the hospital, the paparazzi still gathered nearby fiercely taking photographs. She managed to skirt around them while they were busy with Jack and it wasn't until she was hurrying awkwardly in her high heels across the parking lot that they recognized her from earlier and began shouting questions after her. Addison paid them no mind as she started her car and took off after Jack's cab.

She almost lost him at two separate stop lights (she ran one of them and thanked God there were no cops around to catch her), but was able to follow the cab all the way to Jack's apartment building. She parked hastily in front of a house nearby and sped towards the building's entrance. He had already gone inside, but she hardly hesitated, simply running her hand down the list of apartment buttons, buzzing them all. There was a chorus of "Hello"s and "Who's there"s but someone hit their buzzer without checking who had buzzed. She glanced at the list to note which apartment was Jack's before seizing the door handle and dashing inside.

Addison didn't have any second thoughts about following Jack until she was standing in the elevator riding up to his apartment. She doubted he'd be very pleased to see her and probably wouldn't let her in, but the way he'd said "go" in the locker room was frighteningly final, like if she let him walk out of the hospital, he'd be gone forever, and that was that. She couldn't let him do that, which is why she'd rashly followed him. Addison hoped with everything she had she could talk him out of disappearing if that was what he was indeed planning to do.

"Jack?" she knocked rapidly on his door and called his name a second and third time before he opened it.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Please let me in, Jack."

He complied, surprising her, opening the door and retreating into his apartment. She saw at once half full bags and boxes that he was clearly just throwing things into for a quick departure.

"You're not leaving, are you?" Addison asked worriedly.

"I have to. I can't stay here anymore."

"Jack…"

"You saw Mark and Erica. The way they looked at me? That is why I have to leave. I can't _be_ here, surrounded by them all _looking_ at me like that."

"They – we are your friends, Jack, and finding out you survived something like this doesn't change that fact. We know you better now."

He was busy shoving clothes into a duffel bag. Addison stepped forward and gently grabbed his arm, stilling him.

"I typed your name into a search engine because I couldn't wait to know you better. I care about you, Jack, and I'm the first one to admit my damn curiosity gets me into a lot of trouble. But knowing those things about you didn't change the fact that I _still care_ and I'm still your friend."

She paused and when he didn't reply nor continue to pack at top speed, she continued softly,

"Everybody has baggage, Jack. Yours is just bigger than most. But you can't just keep running away and hoping it will disappear – it will always come with you. Starting over fresh is a nice idea, but you can't do it, not really. You have to deal with things and move on from them. That's the only way it will get better or easier."

Her words came back at her, hitting her sideways: wasn't she trying to move to LA for the exact same reason that Jack had come to Seattle, and was now trying to leave again? She wanted to get away from Seattle, away from her past with Derek and Mark, and she wanted to start over and start new. She wasn't dealing with her baggage either. She was trying to bury it and pretend it never happened, just like Jack was.

It finally dawned on Addison then that she shouldn't be moving to LA at all, but staying here and taking her own damn advice. She gave herself a small mental shake, however – she would have to deal with her own issues later – and returned her focus to Jack.

"I'm here for you, and I will be here, as long as you need me."

Finally he lifted his eyes to meet hers, and there was no more anger there. She had gotten through to him.

"You've already overcome so much, Jack," Addison added. "You have what it takes to get through this. You just need to let go."

He looked at her funny for a moment and then he burst out laughing. Stunned and rather taken aback by this reaction, Addison simply stared until he had recovered.

"I'm sorry," he said eventually. "It's not funny – it's not funny at all, actually. It's just that… my father used to tell me that I don't have what it takes. He said I was never good at letting go. And of all things to say, you go and say _that_."

Addison's lips quirked into a half-smile. "Well, it seemed appropriate. It's also kinda true."

He exhaled. "I know."

He began taking clothes out of the duffel bag and putting them back in his closet. Without a word, Addison moved forward and began helping him. As she unpacked with him, she thought about the part that she hadn't said out loud to him.

_What would I do if you left? I can't imagine you gone and I never want to._

It was amazing how in just a few months, Addison had grown so used to having him around and having him as a friend, that the idea of him leaving was awful. Not to mention the fact that she realized she'd fallen in love with him – that turned merely "awful" into unbearable and devastating, in her opinion. Addison didn't know what to expect going forward, but he was staying and so was she.

Which reminded her: she had a phone call to make.


	17. Chapter 17

Shortly after Addison left to return to the hospital, Jack called the Chief to request the rest of the day off. He figured if he could give himself a day to get used to the fact that _everyone_ now knew about the plane crash, it might be a bit easier to go back to work the next day rather than trying to navigate the horrible bombardment he'd faced today.

By the time late evening had rolled around, Jack had put everything back in its proper place. He was just cleaning up his supper dishes when the phone rang. He approached it warily, worried the press was going to start calling him now (it had happened before and he previously had changed his phone number more than twice as a result), but smiled when he recognized the Korean area code.

"Hello?"

"Jack, how are things?" Jin's heavily accented voice replied. His English had improved vastly over the past several months; he no longer needed Sun to translate for him.

Jack chuckled. "I should be asking you that. How is Sun? Hurley told us on Saturday you were on the way to the hospital."

"Yes, I was going to call earlier, but she had, uh… complication. Labor was very long, too." Jin's voice sounded exhausted, but there was also a note of joy in it.

"A complication? But she's alright?"

"Yes, fine, now."

"And the baby?"

"A good healthy girl!"

"Congratulations!" Jack grinned. "Have you already picked out a name?"

"Yes: Ji Yeon. It means, _flower of wisdom_."

"It's beautiful."

Jack talked to Jin a bit more about the birth and Sun's condition, part out of doctorly habit and concern, but more out of friendship. Though it was only mid-afternoon in Korea, Jack bid Jin goodnight, telling him to get as much as rest as possible while his wife and new baby were resting, as there wouldn't be much time for it later. Jin promised he would as soon as he made a few more phonecalls.

~

Addison had put off calling Naomi all day, but she knew she couldn't any longer. She wasn't looking forward to hearing the disappointment in her friend's voice when she told her she wasn't coming after all.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Addison."

"Hey! How are you? Wait, you're not calling to postpone again, are you?"

"Not exactly…"

"Because we're excited that you're going to come down here. We've already picked out your office and everything!"

Addison pressed her palm to her forehead. Her friend was _not_ making this any easier. She figured there wasn't exactly any perfect way to say it, so she simply plunged right in.

"Nay, I'm sorry, I'm not coming after all."

Naomi paused, then asked, "Why not?"

"Because… I realized that the reasons I originally was using as reasons for why I needed to move don't really apply anymore." Addison said hesitantly, before adding quickly, "I still think it would be great – a lot of fun to work with you guys, and Oceanside seems wonderful."

"But…?" She didn't sound angry, merely a bit confused and as Addison had suspected, quite disappointed.

"But… look, Nay, this part stays between us, ok?"

"Of course. What is it?"

Addison bit her lip. This would be the first time she was admitting it out loud and even though she was certain of it, it still scared her to voice it.

"I fell in love with someone." She finally said. "And I can't leave because I need to be with him."

"Oh Addy," said Naomi, and Addison could hear the smile in her friend's voice. "Well, there will always be a spot for you should you change your mind, or if things don't work out. But I'm rooting for you."

"Thank you, Nay."

More than an hour later, Addison finally hung up and felt oddly liberated. She was a little sad that she wouldn't be working with Sam, Naomi and the others down in LA, but she knew she'd made the right decision. Even if it took forever for something much more concrete to develop between her and Jack, this was exactly where she was supposed to be. It was a feeling she hadn't had in forever and she went to bed smiling as a result.

~

When Addison was buying herself a coffee the next day on her way to work, her eyes caught on an open newspaper that was laying on a table nearby. With a jolt she recognized the man in a large photo on the page as Preston Burke. The picture was situated next to a headline that read: _Area Surgeon Takes Prestigious Award._

She stared at the article. So Burke up and left Seattle, his job, all his friends – his _fiancé_ – and no one had heard from him for months, because he was off winning a major medical award? Addison shook her head, wondering what became of the man she used to be good friends with. She still thought of him from time to time and had wondered why he'd severed all contact with everyone. She couldn't imagine how Cristina Yang was feeling. At least he mentioned her in the article.

On the bright side, Addison thought the news that Burke had won the Harper-Avery was sure to take some of the gossip and spotlight off of Jack.

~

Though the news about Preston Burke was certainly big news, it wasn't considerable enough to sway the gossip away from Jack as much as he would have liked. Chief posted the article on the main bulletin board on the surgical floor and walked around grinning for most of the day and several more following. Not only was his hospital the center of attention because of Jack, now Burke winning an award had been thrown into the mix. There were scores of press still practically camping outside the hospital's front entrance for a scoop, and though Chief had made a big show of telling them off for bothering his staff two days after they'd arrived, it was clear to everyone he was relishing the attention.

For the most part, it actually wasn't nearly as bad as Jack had been anticipating. There were a lot of the pitying or curious looks he'd expected, but a number of the staff treated him no differently, which somehow surprised him. There was a fair bit of whispering and traded glances when he would walk into a room or down a crowded hall, and many people offered him sympathy for what he had gone through and must be going through now. The odd person actually asked him outright about his experience, while his friends, after a few initial comments, moved away from the subject and didn't bother to come back to it.

When asked questions about his experience, Jack didn't shy away from answering, though he never went into much detail, and he accepted the condolences various people offered graciously. By the end of the week, the amount of press gathered outside had thinned significantly, but the remaining bunch doggedly bothered Jack every time he arrived for work though he continued to ignore them. Inside the hospital, the gossip surrounding him still was circulating rampantly, though with each passing day, the rumors and statements he had supposedly made were becoming more and more extravagant.

"Just ignore it," Callie advised at lunch. "There's no point getting uptight about it, because then someone invents a reason why you're upset and before you know it the whole hospital thinks you're going to beat Izzie Stevens up in the cafeteria."

Addison rubbed her friend's shoulder consolingly while Mark laughed loudly.

"I _embrace_ the gossip," he said, leaning back in his chair and linking his fingers behind his head. "It builds reputation without even trying."

Addison rolled her eyes. "You just love that some intern started spreading around that you and Hahn are sleeping together."

"Are you?" Jack asked curiously, unable to stop himself.

Mark snorted. "I wish. That woman continues to refuse to go out with me. I can't figure out why."

"Maybe she just doesn't like you," Addison suggested. "Did that ever cross your little mind?"

"How could she _not_ like me?" Mark questioned and glared when everyone else at the table began laughing. "Fine. I'll just have to make her like me."

"You can't _make_ her like you," said Callie, shaking her head. "Maybe she'll get so fed up, she'll finally say yes. _Maybe_."

"Well, thanks for the vote of confidence." Mark frowned.

Callie smiled. "Anytime."

Jack had to head off into a minor spinal repair surgery, so he bid everyone goodbye and took his tray to the garbage. As he was heading to OR 1, he fell into step several feet behind a few junior residents he recognized and quickly realized they were talking about him.

"What about McOceanic?" asked Izzie Stevens.

"It sounds weird." Meredith Grey shook her head.

"Mc-Plane-Crash?" Cristina Yang tried.

"Cristina! That's horrible!" Izzie rounded on her friend. " We can _not_ call him that!"

"Simmer down, Barbie, it was a _suggestion._ "

"We're not calling him that."

"What about McSurvivor?" George O'Malley piped up. "You know, 'cause he survived…?"

All three women shook their heads.

"It's not right. Why can't we find a name that's right?" Izzie huffed. "It's been months and we _still_ can't think of a good Mc-name. McDreamy and McSteamy were so easy."

"That's because they _are_ McDreamy and McSteamy." Meredith said. "Jack is…"

"Mc… Awesome?"

"George," Cristina snapped. "Stop talking. You suck at this."

They rounded the corner and Jack carried on past them, chuckling to himself. Addison had told him that Derek and Mark had been nick-named McDreamy and McSteamy, and he had always wondered if a nick-name had been chosen for him too. With another a shake of his head, he entered the scrub room for OR 1 and began washing his hands.

~

It wasn't really a decision he specifically made, but in the middle of surgery, as his hands were busy and a few nurses were quietly and idly chatting off to the side, Jack cleared his throat loudly and began speaking.

"Everyone here knows, or has heard, I should say, what happened to me last September," said Jack in a ringing voice. The room suddenly seemed quieter than usual and the interns observing the procedure exchanged wide-eyed glances. "I've heard a lot of rumors circulating through this hospital the past several days, and I feel that I need to clear up a few things."

As he spoke, he wondered if this was what Addison had meant when she had told him he needed to face his baggage. He probably didn't really need to explain to the whole OR that yes, he was in a place crash and yes, once upon a time he'd been involved with Kate Austen who was now on the run. At the same time, Jack felt like _he_ needed to. _He_ needed them to know the truth (or the part available to the public, anyways).

Jack concluded his speech by stating he hadn't seen or heard from Kate in a long time, that he was doing much better, he hoped this would not affect his job any more than it already had, and thank you for listening. It took quite some time before the usual, quiet chatting started back up again, but by the time Jack closed up, surgery complete, things in the OR had returned to normal.

In the scrub room afterwards, he reflected that his little speech was either going to greatly fan the flames of gossip or cause them to die out faster (because once rumors were proven true or false, it seemed the level of interest people had in them disappeared rapidly).

As he was washing his hands, Izzie Stevens, who had been assisting Jack in surgery, joined him.

"I think that was incredibly brave," she said, smiling wide at him. "I'm sure it took a lot of courage to tell everyone your story like that. I can't imagine doing it myself."

"Thanks," Jack returned her smile and dried off his hands. "Maybe you guys should call me McBrave."

The smile dropped off Izzie's features and she stopped scrubbing her hands, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"I think it has a better ring than McOceanic."

Jack exited the scrub room smirking as Izzie sputtered and attempted to apologize. He chuckled all the way back to the next nurses' station where he stopped to fill out some patient charts.

~

"Well, it's official." Callie collapsed with a huff in the nearest arm chair in the break room, where Addison was sipping some much needed coffee and going over several charts.

"What's official?" she asked without looking up.

"I suck at life." Callie covered her face with her hands and groaned.

Addison lifted her gaze to her friend's now, concerned. "What happened?"

"Bailey is the new Chief Resident." She mumbled through her fingers.

"Aw, Callie, I'm sorry," Addison said consolingly. "You hated all the organizing and scheduling, though – I thought you'd be happy?"

Her friend dropped her hands to the arms of the chair with a thud. "Because now the Chief thinks I am completely incompetent. I had Bailey helping me, and the more she helped, the more I let her do, until she was basically doing it all. Obviously the Chief noticed – especially because I was doing way more surgeries all of the sudden. So he told me off and then announced Bailey was taking over in my place."

"Well, while how it happened isn't great, it's probably for the best, right?" Addison said reassuringly. "Besides, I doubt the Chief thinks your _incompetent_ – he just knows now that paperwork isn't your forte."

Callie sighed. "I guess. Maybe I'd feel better about it if everything else in my life wasn't sucking so hard too."

Addison gave her friend a sympathetic look. "Things will get better."

Callie's pager went off and she moaned in protest before hopping up to hurry out. Before she did, Addison promised they would do a girls' night soon, where they could drink too much wine, eat chocolate and watch chick-flicks 'till too early in the morning. Callie laughed, thanked Addison and hastened on her way while Addison returned her attention the charts before her.


	18. Chapter 18

As the weeks rolled by, Jack became less and less the subject of conversation and for that he was very grateful. There was always some new scandal or rumor circulating, and especially once the last of the press gave up and left, the story about Jack and the plane crash was already fading from the notoriously short memory of the hospital staff. Though Jack still felt uncomfortable with the fact that everyone knew about his unusual past, he had no choice but to accept that things would be different in that respect and simply move forward.

Even the press that had gathered outside his apartment building had given up by this point. There was nothing new to report with Jack, and no new developments with Kate. Jack still wondered why she had taken the trouble to come all the way to Seattle and not contact him in any way, but he did his best not to worry about it.

Late one night, a couple weeks after the news reported that sighting of Kate, Jack laid in bed thinking hard about her. He knew that there was no future where Kate was concerned and that he couldn't keep holding onto her ghost forever. Nevertheless, he could not let go of her just yet, not after all they had been through together. Not when he still might love her (he uneasily noted his use of the word _might)_. The thought that he would never be with her made his heart ache even now, though he couldn't help but notice that the pain was much duller than it had been several months ago.

Despite the increasing emotional distance he felt when he thought of Kate these days, Jack continued checking news outlets for information of her, though it was becoming more out of habit than anything else.

Jack had other things to keep him occupied as the days wore on. For one thing, the hospital was putting on a major benefit at the end of the month to raise funds for the hospital as well as some local charities, and the Chief reminded the staff of this at nearly every opportunity. It was going to be a huge event, held at a nearby auditorium, with live entertainment and fancy catering, and Chief wanted as much of his staff to attend as possible.

Jack and Addison were enjoying a few rounds of darts with Callie and Derek at Joe's late one evening discussing the upcoming occasion, when Derek had to call it a night.

"Oh come on," Addison pleaded. "Just one more round."

"Are you kidding?" Derek chuckled. "You guys are absolutely _creaming_ us. I've had enough losing for one night."

"I had better go too, sorry," said Callie, grabbing her coat. "It's getting pretty late and I have two bone grafts and a femur repair tomorrow, starting first thing. Addison, are you coming?"

Callie had earlier offered to drive Addison home, but the red-head was not quite ready to leave.

"I can give her a ride," Jack offered, seeing Addison's hesitation.

She turned to him. "Are you sure? I can just go with Callie now."

"No, I don't mind at all. Besides," Jack smiled and took a quick sip of his beer before saying, "We're not done this round yet."

Callie and Derek exchanged significant looks, which Addison ignored and Jack missed because he'd risen to take his next turn.

After their friends had gone, Jack and Addison opted to continue playing darts for several more rounds, chatting, teasing and laughing. Before they realized how much time had in fact passed, Joe was saying it was time for last call.

"Already?" Jack glanced over his shoulder.

"Wow, I had no idea it was that late," remarked Addison as she began putting away the darts.

Jack paid their relatively small tab and the pair headed out. The car ride to Addison's apartment was quiet, but it was a comfortable and tired sort of quiet. Jack pulled up in front of her building not too long later.

"Thanks for the ride, Jack," Addison smiled. "I appreciate it."

"No problem." He replied.

She had her hand on the door handle when he stopped her by saying her name hesitantly. Addison turned back to face him.

"I want you to know what happened to me." He said quietly.

"I already do, Jack," she replied, confused.

He shook his head. "I want to tell you the parts… that I haven't told anyone. The things that no one else knows except the people who were with me on that island."

It wasn't really something he'd planned or thought in depth about, but as he drove, he simply knew that he wanted her to understand, wanted her to be the first person to know it all – about him, the island, everything.

After a few moments where she contemplated what he'd said, Addison suggested, "Why don't we go inside? I'll make us something to drink."

~

Addison handed Jack a steaming mug of tea before seating herself on the couch beside him. She crossed her legs and perched herself sideways, her back leaning into several pillows and waited patiently for him to begin.

"My father and I… had a complicated relationship." Jack's tone was quiet and he often kept his gaze trained on the mug before him on the coffee table, as if that somehow helped him say everything out loud. "He was an alcoholic and he… one day he left for Australia and didn't come back. My mother convinced me to go after him, find him, and bring him home. I flew to Sydney and found him: he'd died of a heart attack.

"I made arrangements for his funeral, and bought tickets for a plane back home. I… I actually argued with the check-in girl – she didn't want to let me on the plane with my father's coffin." Jack chuckled at the memory, though it was a sad sort of laugh. "She pulled some strings, though, and got me on that flight. I can't help thinking that if she hadn't – if she'd have just stuck to her regulations and rules, or told me off… I would've been on a different flight. Everything would have been different."

He sighed and paused to try the tea, continuing a few minutes later.

"A few hours in, we hit a patch of severe turbulence. I don't remember much about the flight, to be honest. I blacked out. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in the middle of the jungle." He shook his head, his mind swimming with memories. "I got myself up and ran out to the site of the crash. There was just… people and twisted metal, luggage… everywhere. Screaming…

"I just sort of… flew into action – helping others. I didn't even think about it. It wasn't until later that I realized I was hurt myself. Big gash, here," he gestured with his hand to his back and ribs on his left side. "I was going to sew it up myself but the angle wasn't good enough, I couldn't reach."

Addison barely restrained from making a comment. _You were going to sew yourself up?_ She thought incredulously. She was a doctor, of course, and realized that in that situation, it was probably the best he could've done. Still, she struggled to imagine a scenario where she would be sewing up her _own_ wounds.

"A woman came out of the jungle and I asked her for help. That's how I met Kate." He swallowed a lump of sudden emotion and covered it by having some more tea. Jack cleared his throat briefly and resumed his story. "The first night, there were horrible noises coming from the jungle. It looked like trees were being ripped out or mowed down and we were… terrified of what could possibly cause that. I suppose, in hindsight, that should have been an indication of things to come."

As Jack continued, he spoke of some of the most fantastical things Addison had ever heard. Had it been coming from anyone else, or had she not known Jack to be an extremely logical and down-to-earth type of person, she would have thought he were actually crazy.

He told her how he and Kate had found the pilot of their plane, only to have him ripped from the cockpit by an unseen monster. The survivors found a French woman who'd been stranded on the island for sixteen years, and a metal hatch in the jungle floor. The survivors tried to find their way off the island, they clung to the hatch for hope, and some even claimed that the island was their _destiny_. When the hatch was finally opened, they met a man who claimed that pushing the button inside it would save the world from a cataclysmic disaster.

Addison rose to refill their tea and Jack took a break. Her mind was reeling with everything Jack was telling her. People struggled on that island amongst themselves, they had been tortured, murdered, killed by accident, and abducted by these "Others". There was a monster made of smoke, an aged drug plane from Nigeria, and an old scientific organization from the '70s called The Dharma Initiative that had been "purged" by the Others. She couldn't believe that any of it was possible – how _could_ it be? How could no one have found the French woman? How did no one find the Oceanic survivors for day after day, week after week? How could a place like that, and everything that went with it, possibly exist?

And yet it _did_ exist, she had no doubt. It was utterly impossible, but hearing Jack explain it, she knew it was real.

She settled herself on the couch again, and Jack faced her warily.

"I know this is a lot," he said. "And I'm sorry. But I need you to understand. It wasn't just the crash, or the elements. It wasn't just the vague, blanket statement we released to the press. It was so, _so_ much more."

Addison nodded and gave him an encouraging smile. "It's ok. Keep going."

Jack took a deep breath and carried on.

An imposter infiltrated their camp, and it wasn't long before Jack, Kate and Sawyer (who Addison had met at the party) were led into a trap set by The Others.

"We were tied up on the dock, and then the sky turned bright purple and there was this… noise." Jack paused briefly, thinking. "I couldn't even begin to describe it to you. It was piercing but it… _hummed_. We had no idea what the hell it was at the time. We found out later that it was because the button in that damn hatch didn't get pushed. When that man in the hatch, Desmond, said he was saving the world, it turns out he really was."

"What do you mean?" Addison asked quietly.

"I don't know the science behind it, but whatever that button was doing, was stopping the sky from turning purple – something to do with some crazy amounts of electromagnetism, and that button kept it at bay. The day we crashed was the first day in years that Desmond didn't push the button on time."

" _He_ crashed the plane?" she breathed, unable to fathom the possibility.

He nodded. "As far as we can tell. It wasn't a coincidence."

Addison covered her mouth in horror as she listened.

Jack went on to describe that while he was held prisoner by the Others, he was manipulated and psychologically tortured. He'd had no idea what was happening to Kate and Sawyer for some time. Then their leader came to Jack, needing spinal surgery. When Jack refused, they forced Kate to ask Jack to do the surgery, threatening to kill Sawyer if he refused again.

"The thing is… I'd seen them. The Others, they had these monitors – cameras everywhere – all set up. One day I managed to get out of the cell they had me in and I saw them: Kate and Sawyer being held in a cage, together. They were… _together_. So I agreed to do the surgery."

During the surgery, Jack struck a bargain that ensured Kate and Sawyer were set free, and that he was to be sent back home. He ended up getting out of the Others' custody and returned to the beach with his fellow castaways.

"Then finally, something good happened."

A woman, from a freighter that had stumbled on the island, parachuted onto the island, and the survivors used her satellite phone to call the freighter for rescue. An underwater station was blocking any signals to or from the island, however, and a castaway that was a good friend of Jack's volunteered to switch off the jamming signal. He never came back. He had drowned in order to ensure another didn't as well.

"From there, it was all basically how the press reported it." Jack stopped to empty his second mug of tea before carrying on. "The freighter picked us all up and got us off that damn island. Some of the crew and Sayid managed to get the machines and engine working again, and they took us to Hawaii.

"We were transported back to LA. We all agreed it was better, and easier, to be vague about what really happened. It was all too insane. So a few of us came up with that statement I read at the press conference, and we tried to return to our lives."

Jack slumped back against the couch and exhaled. "And that's everything."

She could see him visibly relax. It was hard to describe, but he somehow looked… _lighter_. She still felt numb from everything that he had told her, all the terrible things, death, and more that he had experienced while trapped on that island. It went way beyond anything in real life she could think of or possibly identify with.

No _wonder_ he was plagued with nightmares and had tried so hard to keep this all to himself – no one would possibly believe his story. She couldn't imagine going through everything that he had suffered through and still having the strength to get up in the morning. Her admiration for him increased tenfold in that moment but as she gazed at him, she was quite unsure how to respond to everything he had said.

He momentarily saved her the trouble, however, as he turned to her with glistening eyes and said,

"Thank you."

She reached out and grasped his hand tight, saying without words what it meant to her that he had chosen her to trust with his story. She felt warmth flood through her as she watched him and couldn't help the smile that grew across her features. He looked so incredibly unburdened and though she wished he hadn't held onto his secrets about the island so tight and for so long, she was deeply glad that he had _finally_ let it go.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: So, there is some heavy stuff coming soon, and I REALLY do not want to spoil a single thing. However, when I posted this for the Bang, I was alerted that I needed to include a trigger warning for those who had them. If you have any trigger issues with fics, please review all the tags, otherwise carry on!

When Addison entered the locker room the following morning, she was exhausted. It had already been quite late when she and Jack had left Joe's, but by the time they had turned in for bed, it left her with only a few hours of sleep before she needed to be up for work. Because of the hour, Jack stayed the rest of the night on her couch. She envied him, as he didn't have to be at work until the afternoon and therefore got to sleep in.

Mark was packing up his things and getting ready to leave when she arrived. He whistled when he saw her.

"Somebody had a late night last night." He smirked suggestively.

"Go away, Mark," Addison groaned. "My coffee hasn't kicked in yet."

"Derek told me you two stayed late at Joe's, and Callie saw Jack's car outside your building this morning." He leaned against the locker beside her, grinning.

"Nothing happened," Addison replied, doing her best to ignore the look he was giving her. "We just stayed up talking and he slept on the couch."

"Right. I'm sure you did. And he slept there. Alone."

"Mark…"

"And _I_ didn't make out with Erica Hahn in a supply closet during the night shift I just worked."

"What?" she turned wide eyes to him, unable to help herself.

Mark laughed and grabbed his bag. "See you later, Addison."

"Oh come on, you can't leave me hanging like that. Did you really?"

"Did you really _not_ sleep with Jack?" He quirked his eyebrow at her and exited the locker room laughing.

~

Jack locked Addison's apartment door behind him and headed home to his place around noon. As he readied himself for work, he noted that for the first time in a very, very long time, he didn't feel weighed down by his past, by the crash and everything that went with it. He even smiled as he made himself a pot of coffee.

Jack glanced at his laptop with the urge to check news sites as usual. Instead, however, he turned away from it, grabbed his keys and coat and headed out. He'd check it later.

~

The night of the benefit felt like it came much quicker than it should have. When it was just days away, Addison realized she didn't have a dress to wear (although she had plenty of dresses, like every other girl before an important event, she didn't have the _right_ dress). Callie was in the same predicament, so they spent a long afternoon out and about searching for the perfect things to wear. Their search was successful, and both women were reduced to giggling girls when they tried their respective perfect dresses on in Callie's apartment and stood in front of the mirror together that evening.

A couple of days prior to the fancy occasion, it seemed to be all the hospital staff could talk about and Addison was forcibly reminded of high school when a dance or graduation was coming up. Everyone needed to know who was going, if they were going with someone, who was wearing what and so on. And of course, though she rolled her eyes and chastised all the interns or junior residents for their gossipy chatting about the benefit, at nearly every coffee break, she could be found discussing the matter just as excitedly with her own friends.

When the day finally arrived, the hype had reached a fever pitch. The Chief was practically beaming all day and told anyone who would listen how the benefit had been his idea. He added that he was also very glad that so many people had gotten involved to make it such a major event. He expected a significant turn out, and therefore a substantial amount of fundraising for the local charities and the hospital.

Addison exited the hospital promptly the moment her shift ended and hastened home to prepare for the night.

~

As she was getting herself ready for the big event, she couldn't help thinking about the Prom Night held at Seattle Grace a year or so ago and comparing her life then and now. Then, she had still been married to Derek and rather desperately doing everything she could to hold onto him. She'd known very quickly that he was in love with Meredith, and had tried so hard to believe it wasn't true, that there was a glimmer of hope that she and Derek could go back to what they once were. Derek had been the love of her life once and while she had been the unfaithful one, running to Mark for comfort and thinking she was perhaps in love with him too for a time, "the one" had always been Derek.

And now… now Derek was simply a good friend, and though she still had pangs of guilt or sadness now and then over the fact that they were no longer together, she had moved past it. She had moved past her lingering feelings for Mark (though of course Mark being Mark, he enjoyed teasing her about it still) and she had come to realize that her little fling with Karev had been just that: a fling. She'd convinced herself she'd wanted more from him at the time, but he was still a boy in so many ways. She was ready for a man and he still had a lot of growing up to do.

And of course, there was Jack. Jack who she had fallen hard and fast for, and who had become one of her best friends alongside Callie and Mark. Jack, who was complicated and broken but healing, intense and stubborn but learning to let go, brilliant and gifted and passionate.

Jack, who was currently ringing her doorbell.

Addison hurriedly pressed the buzzer to let him into the building and dashed back to the mirror to check herself over for the millionth time. She shouldn't have felt nervous in the slightest, but for some reason she did and had to keep her hands from trembling when she heard his knock and opened the door.

~

Though it was probably cliché, it was nonetheless true. When Jack saw Addison, he felt like the wind had been momentarily knocked out of him.

Her dress was long with a sort of heart-shaped neckline. It was a deep crimson color, hugging her figure and seemed to shimmer slightly when she moved. Her lipstick impeccably matched her dress, and her amazing red hair was pinned up, though a few strategic wisps were left to dust her cheeks and neck.

"You look _stunning_ ," Jack said a moment later when his breath had returned.

Addison flushed slightly. "Thanks, Jack." She stepped forward to fix his crooked tie and smiled. "Great tie choice, by the way. We match perfectly."

Jack chuckled and felt his face grow warm at her proximity. She didn't seem to notice however as she moved back into her apartment and retrieved her clutch.

"Ready?" he asked.

"As I'll ever be," she answered and locked up her apartment.

Jack offered her his arm with a dashing smile. Addison returned his grin, and feeling her knees get a bit wobbly, accepted his arm, linking it with hers.

~

When they arrived at the benefit, Addison thought the Chief had outdone himself – or rather, his wife Adele and her planning committee, as there was no way the Chief would have any inclination to decorate the hall this beautifully.

The theme, she overheard someone saying as she and Jack passed by, was _A Midsummer Night's Dream_. Dim, white Christmas lights hung across the walls, woven between fake vines. The ceiling had been draped with soft white fabric and tiny twinkling lights, making it feel as though they were under a giant white gazebo. The tables were decorated with center pieces made of vines, clear vases and floating candles, and were draped with smooth white tablecloths. The oversized dance floor was lined with the same multi-colored flower petals that covered the stage at the far end of the large hall, already quite full of people dressed in their best. The overall effect was incredibly impressive and, Addison couldn't help noting, _very_ romantic.

The Chief spotted them and hurried over, looking quite handsome in his formal suit.

"Well, what do you think?"

"I think Adele is a genius," Addison replied.

A waiter came up to the trio offering them flutes of champagne, and they accepted one each.

"Well, the sponsors were very generous, and she did have help," Chief admitted but then added, "Don't tell her I admitted it, but she _is_ a genius."

"I heard that," Adele sauntered up beside Chief, pretending to be serious.

Chief laughed, his spirits high, and kissed his wife on the cheek, whose features broke into a pleased smile.

After roughly a half an hour of mingling, the guests were asked to be seated. Jack and Addison found a table off to the side but relatively close to the stage, and were shortly joined by Mark, Callie, Derek and Meredith (who, Addison was unsurprised to hear, were back together).

"Where's Hahn?" Addison asked Mark in a falsely innocent tone.

"Somebody had stay back the hospital," he replied. "I'm sure she's having fun – stuck back there with Yang."

"And they don't exactly get along." Callie put in. "Hopefully the hospital is still standing when the night is over."

Addison glanced at Mark out of the corner of her eye, curiosity rising. Aside from his implication that one day in the locker room about kissing Hahn, he had been uncharacteristically quiet on the subject. Stranger still, given that he usually never failed to make some sort of comment where Hahn was concerned, he was now passing up the opportunity.

The conversation was already on to different subjects however, so for the time being, Addison opted to let it go. She made special note to herself, however, to badger Mark about it when she got the chance. After all, he never ceased to let up about her and Jack when they were alone.

Dinner was served in courses, each one as delicious as the next. The champagne and wine flowed steadily and the music put on by the live band was pleasant but not overpowering. By the time they'd finished, and the last of their dishes were cleared away, Addison was stuffed. She complained there would be no dancing at this rate, lest she end up with her stomach contents on the dance floor.

"Oh, come on," Jack smirked at her. "After the endless dancing you put me through at Hurley's party, you're just going to sit back and watch everyone else here?"

"That's the general idea," she replied, rubbing her belly.

"Come _on_ ," he wheedled. "You need to make room for dessert."

"Maybe I don't want dessert," she countered.

"You most definitely do." Jack gestured to the table across the room where the desserts were laid out buffet style for whoever chose to have some. "They have Devil's Food cake, cheesecake, lemon meringue…"

"Alright," Addison groaned. "You win." She paused and then raised her eyebrow at Jack. "I thought you didn't like dancing. Something about public and no sense of rhythm? I had to get a lot of beer in you last time before you were willing."

Jack laughed. "Well, I like dancing with _you_."

The corners of her mouth turned up into a wide smile, and she felt warm as a result of the look he was giving her.

"I like dancing with you too." She finally managed to reply.

The evening's program started a short time later. First up, were a few speakers and heads of charities talking about the things their organizations were involved with. Chief went up and spoke about the hospital, and some of the more cutting edge things they'd been able to do thanks to donors and new equipment. Next, there were a handful of songs sung by a local choir and a couple more speakers, followed by a significant amount of information about the silent auction that was set up outside the hall. It would be available all night for bidding, with the winners of each item being contacted over the next couple of days.

Roughly two and a half hours later, the program wrapped. The main MC thanked everyone for coming, thanked the caterers, everyone involved, and asked that donations be made out front at the various tables that had been set up. He encouraged everyone to take a look at the silent auction items, and after a short drawing for door prizes (Derek won a $100 gift card to a local steakhouse, but no one else Addison recognized won something), the "boring part", as Mark called it, was over.

As the DJ set up, Addison and those at her table all made a trip (or two, in Mark's case) to the dessert table. By the time they'd enjoyed their choice of confections, the dance floor was ready and several people had already begun dancing.

"Let's go," Meredith grabbed Derek's hand and pulled him out of his chair.

Addison turned to Jack. "I seem to recall someone whining about dancing?"

Jack laughed and stood. He cleared his throat and made his features serious as he held out his hand and bowed low.

"May I have this dance?" he asked.

She fought to suppress her smile, answering as coolly as possible, "You may, sir."

She couldn't hold it anymore as he led her to the dance floor, however, and was glowing happily as they began moving to the upbeat music.


	20. Chapter 20

By eleven, most people were either on the dance floor or had left the main hall to check out the silent auction items. And by midnight, Addison had had _a lot_ of champagne and was feeling quite tipsy. She wasn't alone, however, as Callie was slopping wine all over the table when she stopped to take a break from dancing and Mark was having trouble not swaying when he walked. Addison couldn't remember the last time she'd had so much fun.

Jack too, had had quite a bit to drink, though he was not quite as far gone as some of his friends. He was also having a fantastic time and half-wished the night would go on for days.

At one point Jack needed a break from dancing, so he dragged Addison back to their table, sweating and panting and grinning the whole way. She collapsed unsteadily into a chair and he laughed heartily.

"Don't laugh," she said, slurring somewhat. "You're not so smooth yourself, there, Shephard."

"I hide it better," he replied. "Plus I'm not wearing high heels."

Addison glanced down at her feet, which she realized only now, were sore. "Why _am_ I still wearing these?" She kicked off her shoes unceremoniously then told Jack abruptly, "We should go look at the silent auction. Maybe there's something I'll want."

She grabbed his hand and he followed.

Outside the hall in the expansive foyer area, it was much cooler and Jack exhaled in relief at the drop in temperature. They sidled up to the nearest table to survey the goods.

"Ooh, look!" Addison gushed. "There's a boat! Look there, that picture. Jack, you should get a boat!"

"You are _drunk_."

"So are you," she poked him in the chest. "Don't even try to deny it."

"I am," Jack laughed. "I told you, I just hide it better!"

Addison had already moved on and was exclaiming over a small but lovely pair of diamond earrings.

Jack leaned forward and glanced at the highest bid, which was in the low 400s.

"Awfully small to be that expensive."

"Means they're real. Is it hot in here too? It feels like it's hot in here too." Addison fanned herself.

"Let's go outside." Jack attempted to grab her arm and missed, sending them into a fit of laughter. When he had more or less regained the ability to stand, he firmly grasped her hand and led her outside.

There was a smattering of people outside the building, some calling cabs, some having a smoke, and others simply escaping the humid hall same as them. Still holding her hand, he led her away from the door to a bit of an alcove so it felt more private. She complained loudly about the cold cement on her bare feet and he could hardly stop laughing long enough to say that she was the one who had _just_ taken off her high heels.

She wobbled suddenly and he, sufficiently drunk though he may have been, hastily caught her before she completely lost her balance and fell. All at once as they straightened, they were extremely close and he felt miles more sober in one crystalizing instant. Her eyes sparkled and he couldn't look away from them, from her, and overwhelming emotion collided inside him.

Maybe the alcohol was helping things along, but at that moment, it didn't matter: he'd wanted to do this for a very long time. Jack leaned forward, swiftly closing the gap between them until his lips were on hers. He kissed her fiercely as one hand moved to her neck. She pressed against him, kissing him back just as hard. She wrapped her arms around his neck and one hand snaked up into his hair.

He didn't know how long they were like that, until the sound of his cell phone jangling in his pocket made him pull away with a start.

It was closing in on one in the morning by that point, so he had no idea who could possibly be calling. His hand went to his pocket to answer it, but halfway there he changed his mind. Instead, he asked Addison quietly,

"Do you want to get out of here?"

~

They ended up at Addison's place because it was closer (as usual). As they stumbled into her apartment, it was way more than alcohol that was making their minds buzz.

Jack slid the straps of her dress down her shoulders while she unbuttoned his shirt. They stayed connected at the lips as much as possible. He gently pulled pins from her hair, letting them fall on to the carpet and she grinned and shook her head with relief when it had all been released. He didn't know if he'd ever seen anything more beautiful.

They fell onto the bed together and she breathed his name in his ear. He ran his hands over her smooth skin, over her breasts. She captured his mouth with hers and trailed her fingers over his back, giving him shivers.

Jack raised himself up on his arms so he hovered over her. Her brilliant red hair was fanned out on the pillow like a flaming halo and she smiled the most intimate, sexy smile he'd ever seen. He wished he could stay in that moment forever, with her looking at him like that – wished he could cast it in amber so it would never, ever change.

"I love you."

She reached up and pressed her hand to his cheek and whispered, "I love you too, Jack."

~

For a split second when Jack awoke, he thought he'd been having a wonderful dream. But then he realized that the warm body curled against him was Addison's, that it was still dark outside and that it hadn't been just a dream after all. He smiled and inhaled the scent of her hair, something vaguely like lavender or cucumber, something fresh and intoxicating. He didn't know how he had never noticed it before, but then again, he'd never been this close to her.

He heard a muffled beep and lifted his head slightly in confusion. The noise sounded again and Jack carefully extracted himself from the tangle of Addison and sheets to investigate. He assumed it was one of their cell phones and then belatedly remembered the call he had earlier ignored. Jack confirmed it was his phone beeping insistently when he found his discarded pants, and rummaged in the pockets to retrieve his phone.

_1 Voicemail_

Jack's brow furrowed and he promptly dialed his mailbox, assuming he would listen to the message, save it, and head back to bed. It was nearly 5 in the morning, after all, and the sun would be coming up in an hour or two.

" _Jack…"_

It was Kate.

He immediately felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over him. And as he listened to the message, all previous feelings of contentment, relaxation and happiness drained out of him faster with each successive word.

" _Jack… I… I don't know… what time it is…"_

There was some muffled noise which he couldn't discern, and then he heard her crying.

" _I can't run anymore. I… wanted to see you. I came to Seattle – I wanted to see you. Jack, I… I should have listened to you – I'm sorry. Back in LA… you were right. I shouldn't have run…"_ She sniffed loudly. _"I would've said yes… and… I'm so sorry."_

Jack's pulse was racing with dread. Something was wrong. Something was wrong with her voice – she sounded exhausted and terribly sad, but something went way beyond that, something much deeper. He knew her too well and he could tell: something was horribly wrong.

" _Jack, I loved you. I should have… stayed… and I… can't…"_

It sounded like she dropped the phone and there was an agonizing few seconds before she picked it up again, her voice now sounding slurred.

" _I wanted you to know… that it's over. I… I'm not… running anymore. Goodbye, Jack…"_

The rest of the message was simply dead air until it ended, a solid ten or so seconds later.

"Jack?" Addison's sleepy voice mumbled and he heard her stir behind him.

With shaking hands, he pulled the phone away from his ear and ended the call to his electronic mailbox.

"Jack?" she sounded more awake and concerned, but still he didn't turn around.

He hit the button that showed him the caller ID for his recent missed calls, heart pounding so hard he thought it might burst through his ribs. When his eyes registered the number, he was fairly certain his heart stopped altogether. _It was his apartment._

For an instant, he was frozen solid, hardly daring to believe, suddenly unable to comprehend. And then he whipped around and began throwing his clothes on, severely startling Addison.

"Jack! What is it?"

"I don't have time to explain," he said hastily. "I have to go. Right now."

"What's going on? Who was on the phone?"

When he didn't respond, she almost shouted his name. He stopped briefly to look at her.

"It's Kate. She's in trouble, and she's at my apartment – or was, several hours ago. Are you coming?"

Addison was stunned and opened her mouth to reply before closing it again.

" _Addison_ ," he snapped.

"Yes, of course." She finally said and jumped out of bed, throwing on the first set of clothes she had folded in her dresser.

Jack grabbed her car keys from the hook by the door and in less than a minute, they were hurrying at top speed down the stairwell because Jack couldn't stand waiting for the elevator for more than five seconds. It wasn't until they were in her car and Jack was speeding down the empty roads that Addison was finally able to get a straight answer from him. He explained the voicemail in clipped tones and silently urged the car to go faster.

 _Don't let me be too late_ , he thought desperately. _Please God, don't let me too late…_

The fear that he _was_ in fact too late was nearly crippling, and he had to force himself with everything he had to concentrate on the road until they had pulled up in front of his building. He was out of the car like a shot, leaving Addison to retrieve her keys and lock it up, while he fumbled to open the door to the building. Once inside, he headed straight for the stairwell again, taking several at a time, and Addison struggled to keep up.

The closer he got to his apartment, the more that paralyzing fear bubbled inside him. His mind played worst case scenarios of what he was about to find. His door was unlocked already and he banged it open at once with no regard for the noise it made.

"Kate?" Jack called frantically.

He didn't see her in the living room or kitchen, and for one small moment, he thought his fear was unfounded. But then he realized the bathroom light was on in the bedroom and he bolted towards it, shouting her name.

"Kate? _Kate?_ "

The light from the bathroom spilled into the bedroom, casting a dim glow and he spotted her form immediately on the bed. He rushed forward and in one silent moment, his world came crashing down.

~

Addison was panting hard when she made it into his apartment, moments after him. She heard him calling Kate's name and saw him disappear into the bedroom. She followed and stopped in the threshold, covering her mouth with her hand as she took in the scene before her.

Kate was on the bed and was visibly too thin (far thinner than her photographs on the internet). Even in the pale light from the bathroom, Addison could see bruises and scabbed gashes on her limbs, her dark hair was matted and the dark circles under her eyes were so pronounced it almost looked like makeup. The cordless phone she'd used to call Jack was on the floor, probably where it had fallen from her hand, beeping softly because it was out of battery. There were two bottles of medication on his nightstand, empty and laying on their side. The drawer to his nightstand was ajar, a ring box lay open beside Kate and the ring it had once held was sitting on her delicate ring finger.

"Kate! _No_ no no no…" Jack was at her side, shaking her shoulders as though she might just be sleeping. "Kate, wake up, come on. Kate – _Kate_!"

He wrapped his arms around her and brought her close to him, but she didn't embrace him back. Her head lolled to the side and her arms were limp.

"God, she's cold – get a blanket!" He put his ear to her lips and checked her pulse. "And she's not breathing – call an ambulance!" he shouted.

Though to Addison it seemed clear they were much too late, she didn't hesitate and ran to the living room to place the call. Once the paramedics were on their way, she hastened back to the bedroom with a thick blanket from the linen closet. In the bedroom, Jack had laid Kate back down and was desperately doing chest-compressions.

"Kate, come on, come _on_!" Jack cried out. "Don't do this to me – you _can't_ do this!"

"Jack…" Addison approached slowly but he didn't seem to notice her or hear her.

"Kate, please, come on… _Kate_!"

"Jack, she… she overdosed, there's nothing you can do."

"You don't know that," he growled, finally acknowledging Addison. "I can save her. I can still… _save_ her."

"No, you can't," she said gently.

"I _have_ to!"

She reached for him but stilled her hand when he snapped coldly,

" _Don't._ "

Addison pulled back, slightly stung, and said nothing while Jack continued fruitless chest-compressions. When the paramedics arrived, Addison explained what had happened and how they had found her. It was only when the paramedics had checked her over and determined she had been dead for more than a couple hours that Jack – there was no other word for it – _broke_.

" _God_ , no… no! Kate… _no_ …" he covered his face with his hands and his shoulders shook.

"I'm so sorry, Jack," Addison said, her heart breaking and tears clouding her vision. "I'm so sorry."

It was absolutely unfathomable to think that a few hours ago they had been blissfully making love. A few hours ago, while Kate was committing suicide, while she was dying, they had been ignorant and happy and saying _I love you_.

The paramedics took Kate's body away and Jack's legs gave out beneath him. Addison dropped to her knees on the floor beside him and wrapped her arms around him immediately. She squeezed her eyes tight shut and wished with all her heart she could make this go away, make it better, _anything_.

They stayed like that until sometime after the sun had risen outside his window.


	21. Chapter 21

_He could feel the gash was bad, but he couldn’t quite see it. There was no way he would be stitching up himself after all. Just then, a woman with long, curly brown hair emerged from the bushes glancing around aimlessly._

_“Excuse me!” he called. “Did you ever use a needle?”_

_“What?” the woman looked his way, still rubbing her wrists._

_“Did you ever… patch a pair of jeans?” he gestured in the air the motion of sewing._

_“I um… I made the drapes in my apartment?”_

_“That’s fantastic, listen – if you have a second, I could use a little help here.”_

_She came towards him until she was just a couple feet away. “With what?” she asked quietly._

_Still kneeling, he turned his body slightly and lifted his arm so she could see the wound on his side and back._

_“With this,” he said. She shut her eyes briefly. “Look, I’d do it myself, I’m a doctor, but I just can’t reach – “_

_“You want me to sew that up?”_

_“It’s just the like drapes – “_

_“No,” she protested, her voice quivering. “With the drapes I used a sewing machine!”_

_“No you can_ do _this, I’m telling you.” He paused and added, “If you wouldn’t mind.”_

_She looked very much like she either wanted to cry or hurry away, but after a moment, she nodded slightly, exhaling._

_“Of course I will.” she whispered._

~

“There was nothing else I could do,” Addison sighed, leaning her head back in the break room chair. “We’d already given our statements to the police and it was obviously suicide.”

Callie shook her head. “I can’t believe it. Poor Jack. How was he when you left?”

Addison paused, searching for the right word before answering quietly, “Shattered.”

After leaving Jack at his apartment, Addison had come straight to work and immediately explained the situation to the Chief. News outlets were likely already reporting Kate’s death, so it wasn’t going to be long before the whole hospital was aware of the tragedy. He was stunned and horrified, readily giving Jack as much time off as he needed.

“And you too, Addy,” he’d said sadly. “I know how close you two are.”

She’d thanked him and found Callie immediately, hauling her into a break room, shutting the doors, and closing the blinds before she proceeded to tell her what had happened. She’d skipped the part of sleeping with him (and admitting they loved each other), however – it had seemed selfish and trivial to discuss at this point, she’d thought, next to everything else that had happened.

“God…” Callie shook her head again.

“I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life,” Addison said emotionally, her eyes glistening. “I mean, I’m a doctor – we both are, but we… we were just too late. And he… he loved her. All I could do was stand there and watch him come apart.”

“Addison,” her friend leaned forward and placed a comforting hand on Addison’s arm. “There’s nothing you could have done.”

“I know that, I do... But it doesn’t make me feel better.”

“No,” Callie sighed. “I don’t suppose it would.”

Silence stretched for a few moments and the tears began streaming down Addison’s face. When she spoke, her voice was thick and just above a whisper.

“I love him. And I don’t know what to do now.”

~

_“You don’t want to be a hero.” His father regarded him seriously. “You don’t want to try and save everyone. Because when you fail… you just don’t have what it takes.”_

~

Jack felt like he was free falling in the pitch dark. He felt hollow and couldn’t get the feeling of Kate’s limp body out of his mind. He’d hated how cold she was, how she couldn’t hold him back. He thought of the first time he’d tasted her lips in the jungle on the island, and of the last time, when she’d kissed him quick before going on the run.

He was drowning and he couldn’t breathe or he was crashing against the rocks, pounded by the waves, over and over. He thought of the day, what felt like years and years ago now, when he had asked Addison if she ever felt like she was hanging by just a thread.

There was no thread anymore – just darkness.

~

_“If you’re thinking about going for the cockpit, I’m going with you.” She said._

_He turned to her, the firelight flickering across their features. “I don’t know your name.” He chuckled and she smiled softly._

_“I’m Kate.”_

_“Jack.”_

~

During the first week, Addison fielded questions about Jack and Kate at work and struggled to keep her mind focused on the task at hand. She used her lunch breaks to drive to Jack’s apartment and make sure he hadn’t choked on his own vomit.

She had trouble sleeping late at night, worrying about him, and would check on him before she left for her next shift. He was usually passed out on the bed or the couch, and more bottles had accumulated on the floor.

One night she invited Callie and Mark over for supper and handed them both a key to Jack’s apartment so they could check on him when she was unable to. Addison trusted them wholly as her best friends, and knew they understood the severity of what Jack was going through. Mark hugged her tight, stroking her hair and promising it would all be ok. They pretended not to notice the wet spot on his shirt when she finally let go.

~

_She settled beside him on the sand. “I want to tell you what I did. Why he was after me.”_

_“I don’t wanna know. It doesn’t matter, Kate. Who we were, what we did before this, before the crash. Doesn’t really… Three days ago, we all died.” He paused. “We should all be able to start over.”_

~

In the second week following Kate’s death, Addison packed an overnight bag and brought food to restock the fridge. Jack hadn’t shaved or showered, hadn’t even changed out of the suit from the night of the benefit. He was passed out on the couch with a half empty bottle of whiskey. She ordered take out and when he woke up, she coaxed him into having a few bites.

Afterwards, with red-rimmed eyes and without saying a word, Jack got up and went to the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. She sighed heavily and proceeded to clean up all the empty bottles and cans lying around before putting the leftovers away.

Several hours later, Addison had turned the couch into a temporary bed, and was reading with the lamp on. Jack emerged and stumbled into the living room.

She wanted to ask if he was ok, but she knew the answer. She could see he was anything but _ok_.

Jack collapsed into the chair across from her and met her gaze properly for the first time in days.

“I couldn’t save her,” he said miserably. “I could never… _save_ her. When I found out she was a criminal on the island, I told her it was time for a fresh start. And when she fell in love with Sawyer, and she… broke my heart… all I ever did was try to save her.”

He shook his head and buried his face in his hands.

“I failed. I couldn’t save her then… and I couldn’t save her now.”

“Maybe she couldn’t be saved.”

He lifted his head. “When she showed up at the house that night? The night she escaped and disappeared? I should have done something. None of this would have happened.”

“Like what?” she asked softly. “What could you have done?”

He didn’t have an answer. That didn’t stop the guilt from gnawing relentlessly at his insides. And it didn’t stop him from replaying that voicemail over and over again.

~

_He finally found her, out in the jungle just sitting there._

_“Kate, what the hell are you doing out here?”_

_She turned slightly, almost surprised to see him, and he continued approaching until he stood before her._

_“What happened in the hatch? Why’d you leave?” He paused and when she didn’t answer, he continued. “I come back, I find Sawyer just lying in the ground. You just took off – “_

_“Is he ok?”_

_“Yes, Kate,” he snapped. “He’s fine.”_

_She slowly got up off the log and began walking away. “I’m sorry.”_

_“Are you?”_

_She stopped and faced him, and her voice became suddenly emotional and defensive. “Ya, I’m sorry. I am sorry I’m not as_ perfect _as you. I’m sorry that I’m not as_ good _!”_

_He put his hands up. “Okay… what’s going on with you?”_

_“Just forget it.” She replied in a small voice and started away from him again._

_He wasn’t about to let her get off that easy, so he reached out and snatched her wrist._

_“No, don’t walk away from me, no – “_

_“Don’t!” She tried to yank away from him but he pulled her close, confused and scared by her reaction._

_“Kate, Kate!” He pulled her into an embrace and she struggled for a moment, crying._

_“Don’t,_ stop it _…”_

_“It’s ok, it’s ok…” He held her close and she cried into his shoulder._

_“Jack,” she breathed and moved back slightly, no longer fighting him, her face tear-stained. “This place – this place is crazy! It’s just… I can’t – it’s driving me nuts.” She cried._

_“I know… it’s ok.” He gently took hold of her shoulders, breathing as heavy as she was. “It’s alright. It’s alright.”_

_Her hazel eyes were wide and vulnerable as she stared at him and he straightened a little, feeling she was calmer. Then without warning, she leaned forward and cupped his face with her hands, kissing him hard._

~

Jack didn’t sleep any more, not really. He mostly just kept drinking until he couldn’t remember if he was asleep or awake. Then when he became more aware of his surroundings, of the reality he was faced with, he’d find a new bottle and keep going.

He had loved Kate for a relatively short amount of time, but it felt like a lifetime. He knew her, knew so much about her, and had loved her, even her flaws and her problems. He felt like he’d been loving her so long, holding on to her memory so tight, that it had become almost an obligation or habit. Something he did without really thinking it, without meaning it anymore. It used to mean something – she used to mean _everything_ – but ever since she’d left…

And then she’d turned up dead, in _his_ apartment, with the ring he’d intended for her once upon a time on her finger. The guilt had been crushing – the first night he spent intimately with Addison, the night he admitted aloud not only to himself but to her as well that he loved her, was the night when _Kate_ needed him. After so many months of waiting in vain for her to come back to him, the moment he finally let her go, it came back to cripple him.

What was worse – _so_ much worse – was that the overwhelming emotion he’d experienced, when he’d held Kate’s cold body close and knew she was gone, had been _relief_. He’d shut his eyes and indescribable, immense relief had washed over him, which only caused the guilt to increase tenfold to take its place. _How_ could he feel relieved at her death? A little voice had whispered, however: _it’s over. It’s finally over._

That relief haunted him, as did his tremendous feelings of failure. There _had_ to have been something he could have, should have done. Something the night of the benefit so that he arrived home in time to stop her, something before that night, something months ago, something back on the island. Jack replayed everything in his mind constantly, trying to find where he went wrong and finding hundreds of different avenues he could have or should have taken, and maybe this tragedy would have been avoided.

All he could dwell on was the _what if_ s and _could have been_ s, and the guilt clawed and ripped at his heart. He was raw and destroyed, and convinced it was somehow his fault, that somehow he could have prevented it.

Jack listened to Kate’s voicemail again and pressed the latest bottle of alcohol to his lips. He was passed out before he heard Addison come home from work that day.


	22. Chapter 22

_The dark hallways were deserted but he moved forward quietly and cautiously, taking no chances. He was tense, ready to strike if necessary, as he walked into a room with one wall full of monitors. He glanced around the room and saw no one else. There was a large cabinet at the back and he went straight for it. Inside were several guns of various sizes. He grabbed one of the smaller ones and found it already loaded._

_Heart pounding, he made for the door he’d entered through, ready to make his escape. He spared a quick glance at the monitors, unsurprised to note that the Others had cameras posted seemingly everywhere. That’s when he saw it and he stopped dead in his tracks._

_There was Sawyer, leaning against a low cement wall, metal bars extending up from it. And curled intimately against him, naked but for Sawyer’s shirt draped across her lower body, was Kate._

~

The third week, Addison was practically living in Jack’s apartment, or might as well have been (which was cruelly ironic in a way, she supposed, as just a short time ago she would have given anything to be able to move in with Jack in the romantic sense). She’d taken the Chief up on his offer for her to take some time off, requesting a few weeks for now, and she would reassess the situation afterwards.

Half her wardrobe was in a suitcase in the corner of the living room, her toiletries had taken over the main bathroom, and the apartment was stocked with her groceries. The couch had basically become her new bed, and she simply folded all the blankets aside for the day and pulled them back when it was time to go to sleep.

She managed to get Jack to finally change out of the suit at this point, and helped him into the shower. He was a shell, a zombie, imprisoned by his guilt, and barely seemed to register the hot water. He wore boxer shorts and after watching him standing in the stream for a few seconds, she climbed in with him and began to gently help him wash. Though he still hadn’t shaved, she figured a shower was good enough for now.

As the hot water pounded Jack’s back, he whispered shakily, “I couldn’t fix her, Addison. It’s my fault and I couldn’t fix her.”

Addison shook her head and took his face in her hands, turning his sad eyes to her brilliant blue ones. “Jack, you can’t _fix_ people. Kate was lost and damaged, and as much you blame yourself for what happened, there was nothing you could have done.”

She wasn’t sure if the water on his face was tears or not as she added softly, “You can’t fix everything. You’re not supposed to.”

He swallowed and looked away, and she let him go. She noticed his hands were shaking and her heart broke all over again. She grabbed one tight and he lifted his tortured gaze.

“Hey, I’m here,” she said and gave his hand a squeeze. “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

After she helped him clamber into bed and had gently closed the bedroom door behind her, Addison leaned against the wall and wiped her eyes. This was all painfully new to her. She was a doctor, and dealing with death and trauma came along as part of her job, but not like this – never like this. This was too close to home, this was slowly killing the man she loved. It scared her to see the despondent shadow he had become, and she didn’t know what else to do, besides simply be there for him and help him as much as he let her.

She slid down the wall and wrapped her arms around her knees. It was horrible and strange, this routine that had developed. She couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, not yet, and just had to keep going, keep doing what she was doing. She believed that Jack was holding onto her like a lifeline while he fought with his demons and grief over Kate’s death, and she wasn’t about to stop caring for him any time soon.

This was peculiar to Addison in a way. She’d always been one to act fiercely independent, yet all the while clinging desperately to others, usually the men in her life. She’d always needed someone to hold onto, someone to be her rock. Now, it seemed, it was her turn to be the rock, to be steady and needed.

She wasn’t used to being the strong one.

~

_Sarah took her hand from her mouth and her voice quivered when she spoke._

_“You’ll always need something to fix.”_

~

September 22 was the worst day, which was saying something. It was the anniversary of the day Jack had crashed on the island. This, compounded with his state over Kate’s death, was more than overwhelming.

She thought she had felt extremely helpless when they’d discovered Kate. It was nothing to how she felt now.

~

_He pressed the talk button down on the walkie talkie._

_“Kate, you have about an hour’s head start before they come after you.”_

_“Wait, where are you? Where are you?” she replied frantically._

_He ignored the beeping of the machines monitoring Ben, and thought fast. “You remember what I told you on the beach? The day of the crash. Do you remember what story I told you while you were stitching me up?”_

_He waited for her response and knew he could not be wasting these precious seconds._

_“Do you remember it?” he shouted into the walkie a moment later._

_“Yes, yes, I remember!” she answered emotionally._

_“When you get safe, you radio me, and you tell me that story.”_

_“Jack, please…”_

_“If I don’t get a call from you in the next hour, I’m gonna know something went wrong – “ he turned to the people in the OR with him, his volume rising – “and he dies!”_

_“I can’t leave without you!” Kate cried._

_“Yes you are. Go.”_

_“Jack, I_ can’t _–“_

_“Go, now!” he demanded. She was wasting more valuable seconds and he couldn’t save her, couldn’t make sure she was safe, if she argued with him._

_“I can’t!” she screamed._

_“Kate, dammit,_ run _!”_

_~_

One night during the fifth week, he was laying on the couch beside her, a nearly empty bottle of vodka clutched tight to his chest, while she was flipping through a magazine. Jack’s voice was raspy and emotional when he spoke.

“I don’t know how to survive this.”

She looked up at the sound of his voice.

“How… how can I... possibly _ever_ … move on from this? Any of it?”

Addison contemplated this a moment before replying.

“There’s no easy answer. You just do. You keep getting up in the morning, you keep… going through the motions, and eventually, it won’t hurt so bad. Eventually you’ll be able to breathe again. And, maybe someday, you’ll even find a way to be happy again.”

He fell quiet again and after several minutes, she returned to her magazine.

~

_“Hey,” she stood as well, stopping him. “Why’re you sticking up for Sawyer? He’d never do it for you.”_

_“Because I love you.” He replied a moment later…_

_Hers were the eyes he sought when he hung up Naomi’s satellite phone…_

_On the freighter, she hugged him for so long and whispered that they were finally going home, thanks to him. He wished he could be with her but let go and forced a smile. She was not his to love…_

_She needed a place to stay, so she stayed with him. Whatever had happened between her and Sawyer back on the island was over…_

_She came to him late one night, waking him up, laying down beside him._

_“I want us,” she whispered. “I want to give us a try.”_

_Then she kissed him hard, hungrily and not unlike the desperate kiss they’d shared in the jungle so long ago…_

_“You're running, aren’t you?” he finally said._

_She smiled a little. “It’s what I do, right?”_

_She asked him to come with her and he shook his head…_

_“You didn’t answer my question,” he said a moment later. “Are you ok?”_

_Another bitter, sad little laugh. “Define ok.”_

_Her timer went off and she hung up seconds later, and he stood there holding the pay phone receiver…_

_As he listened to the voicemail, he knew something was deeply, terribly wrong…_

_His heart stopped when he saw her and he rushed to her side. She was cold and limp in his arms…_

~

Addison got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and noticed his bedroom lamp was on. She saw he was asleep (or passed out again) when she leaned in the doorway to check that he was alright, and tip-toed forward to turn off the lamp. As she turned around to exit the bedroom, she heard him stir.

“Addison?”

“Yes?”

He was silent for long enough that she thought he had fallen back asleep when he finally whispered, “I’m so… _sorry_.”

“For what?”

“For what I’m putting you through. You don’t have to stay.”

She moved close to his bedside in the darkness. “I told you that I wasn’t going anywhere – that I would be here for you. I’m just keeping my word.”

~

The words that Addison had said to him over the past few weeks were tumbling around in Jack’s mind late one night, as he lay awake staring at the curtains in his bedroom. Part of him knew she was right, that what she was saying was true. There was nothing he could have done, he can’t fix everything, he has to let go, he has to stop blaming her death on himself. Knowing she was right and accepting it, however, were two different things.

His thoughts inevitably turned to Kate, the woman who had slipped into his heart so quickly. The woman who was so intensely independent, who he could never predict or control, who always had to _run_ and who had ended her life because she finally, _finally_ had stopped running. His mind spun with memories of her, as it been ever since he’d found her in his apartment that night.

He couldn’t fix her, and he couldn’t save her. He’d been holding onto some form of hope, some imaginary thread that he would be with her again. He had believed that it was his fault, but finally Addison’s words were sinking in and getting through to him.

And finally, after so long, fumbling and drowning in the dark, fighting to breathe, he thought he saw a pinprick of light, thought he could see with a little clarity for the first time in weeks, perhaps years. Something terrible had happened, but it _wasn’t_ his fault. Maybe there was some way for him to have prevented her death, but he could not spend the rest of his days torturing himself over it, because at the same time, maybe he could _not_ have prevented it.  And either way, he would never know.

Maybe he had _finally_ grasped what his father meant all those years ago, what Sarah had meant, what Addison meant now: when something awful happened, when it was out of his control or when he had truly done all he could, he had to free himself from the burden of responsibility. _He needed to let go_.

Jack shut his eyes and this time, he didn’t drink himself to sleep, and he didn’t replay the voicemail.

~

Sometime around the sixth or seventh week, Addison was up early, reading the newspaper and eating a light breakfast. She looked up, surprised, when Jack came out of the bedroom. She was even more surprised when he greeted her.

“Good morning.” Jack moved past her to the kitchen counter and began making a pot of coffee.

Addison couldn’t help herself and asked bluntly, “What are you doing up? I usually don’t come get you for another few hours.”

He looked a bit embarrassed or sheepish and when he smiled, it was small and sad, like the muscles in his handsome face were rusty from disuse and the action was foreign, but it was a smile nonetheless. He cleared his throat but his voice still sounded gravelly when he spoke.

“I need to shave.”

Addison blinked and suddenly hope bloomed in her chest. She swallowed down the rising emotion in her throat and said as casually as she could muster, “Yeah, I’m not a fan of the beard.”

He turned back to his cupboards and after opening two, asked, “Where are the coffee filters?”

“Oh, I moved them,” Addison pushed her chair back with a scrape. “They’re in this cupboard now.” She retrieved the box of filters and held them out to Jack.

When he reached for the filters, he gently grasped her hand instead and held her gaze, his eyes suddenly shining with tears.

“Thank you.”

She replied just as emotionally, “You’re welcome.”

~

The next day, she arrived at his apartment after running a few errands and found him seated at the kitchen table in a fresh set of clothes, clean-shaven and showered. He looked up when she entered and she offered him a warm smile. Wordlessly he gestured for her to sit with him, so she pulled up a chair and settled across from him.

“I wanted you to be here,” he said and placed his phone between them which was on speaker phone.

The automatic voice of his voicemail box was steadily going through the menu options.

“ _To delete this message, press 7._ ” It said.

Jack took a deep breath, reached forward and pushed the 7 on his phone’s keypad.

 _“Message deleted. End of messages._ ”

He leaned back in his chair, shutting his eyes and letting all his breath out at once. When he opened them, he abruptly rose and went to Addison’s side, pulling her into a tight embrace.

In her ear, he whispered, “I would not be here without you.”

“You’re stronger than you think.” She replied.


	23. Chapter 23

_Epilogue - Two Months Later_

“So are you guys doing anything special for Christmas?” Callie asked, sipping her drink.

“I think it’s going to be pretty low-key,” said Addison, smiling at Jack. “Just the two of us. We’ll do the family obligations on Boxing Day.”

Under the table, he gave her hand a squeeze. He knew he was exceptionally lucky to have her in his life. Not only was she his best friend, but she was incredible, brilliant, gorgeous and _loved him back_. Even after everything he put her through, all that time he kept his past a secret, all those weeks he was unrecognizable and guilt-ridden, she had stayed. She stayed, and she kept on caring and kept on loving him. He would never find anyone like her and he didn’t want to.

“I’m just looking forward to the time off,” Mark commented as he leaned back in his chair and locked his fingers behind his head.

“Don’t think you’re going to be doing much relaxing,” Callie warned. “I told you that you were helping me wrap – plus you’re coming with me to visit my parents in Florida.”

Mark groaned loudly and Callie smacked him playfully on the arm.

The pair had always been fairly close, but ever since Hahn had quit and gone to work in LA to be with her sister (Addison couldn’t help smirking when she thought of that – like Seattle and LA were the only two places in the world to work), they’d grown closer. Mark was still vague or tight-lipped about whether or not anything concrete had ever happened between him and Hahn, which made Addison believe something had, in fact, and he’d quite cared for her.

In the end, however, whatever it was, it was short-lived and Mark had always been good at moving on. Addison didn’t want to jinx it, but she had a strong feeling that her two friends would soon be a romantic item and hopefully one that would last.

She glanced over at Jack, who was joking with Derek and smiled. Though she’d moved back to her own apartment and returned to work within days of Jack deleting the voicemail, at the beginning of December she’d officially moved in as his girlfriend. His place was bigger and nicer, plus she already knew where everything was. Jack was still recovering from the loss of Kate in many ways, but he had finally learned to put things behind him and she couldn’t help thinking that she had been instrumental in getting him to that point.

“I’m going to grab us some more drinks,” she said and stood. “Do you want anything?”

“I’m good, thanks,” he replied and returned her smile. Her heart fluttered and she headed up to the bar to ask Joe for another round.

“You two look happy,” he remarked, nodding his head at Jack.

“We are.” She beamed.

A little ways over, Meredith was sitting with her group of friends as usual. Cristina’s head was resting on her arms and as they talked, Addison was reminded of another conversation she’d overheard back in the late spring when Jack was still quite new to Seattle Grace.

“McYummy, McGreat, McFantastic…” Cristina rattled off in a monontous tone.

“Meredith, we have to give up on this,” Izzie shook her head. “There just isn’t one that _fits_.”

“There has to be,” Meredith said stubbornly.

“McSexy, McDoc, McIntense…”

“Maybe he’s not Mc-able.” George shrugged.

Alex took a big swig of beer and grumbled, “This is dumbest conversation I’ve ever sat through.”

“You’re just jealous that we never bothered to Mc-name you.” Meredith tossed her hair over her shoulder and threw back a shot of tequila.

“Whatever.”

“McSerious, McFoxy, McCastaway…” Cristina droned.

“Wait!” Meredith slapped her hands on the bar, causing her friends to jump. “What did you just say?”

Cristina blinked. “Uh, McCastaway?”

“Before that.”

“Uh… McFoxy?”

“McFoxy.” Meredith tried the name out and all three women swivelled on their bar stools simultaneously to regard Jack. Addison had to physically stop herself from laughing.

“I think that’s the one.” Izzie nodded approvingly.

“McFoxy.” Meredith nodded as well, smirking slightly.

“That only took us, what, like 9 months?” Cristina raised her eyebrows.

“Here you go, Addison,” Joe placed the drinks before her and she turned her attention from the junior residents.

“Thanks, Joe.”

 _McFoxy_ , she thought with amusement. _I’ll have to tell him that._

As she made her way back to the table balancing the various drinks for her friends, she thought of the way Jack had kissed her that morning before work, the look on his face when they woke up that morning, the way he’d gazed at her when they were in bed the previous night. She thought of how far they’d come, how far they still might go. He seemed to sense her gaze and he glanced up as she approached and there was that smile again, that one that nearly made her knees buckle.

 _No, not McFoxy_ , she thought. _McPerfect._

Addison laughed at herself and she set the drinks down on the table. Mark was already sloshing his within minutes, as he debated something sports-related enthusiastically with Derek, while Callie laughed along. Jack immediately took hold of Addison’s hand again once she was settled back in her chair.

His heart swelled as he watched her laughing at Mark with Callie, and even if it took him a while to say it, he knew in that moment that she was the one person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. She was different and wonderful and flawed and he loved every piece of her, and even the man he had become because of her.

Later that night as they were walking to his car, she turned that stunning blue gaze on him and he couldn’t help himself. He drew her in for a slow, universe-stopping kiss. When they eventually pulled apart, he tucked a piece of her brilliant red hair behind her ear.

“Addison,” he breathed. “You are everything to me… I love you so much.”

She smiled, the one that made him feel light-headed, and leaned close so their faces were nearly touching.

“I love you too, Jack.”

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to each and every reader! <3 I hope you enjoyed. Now let's see if I can tackle the 2012 Het Bang...


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